"Chasing The Dragon"

I felt really sick and shitty last night through this morning so I broke down and went to see Dre. I honestly wanted to buy suboxones only but all he had was H so.....ugh I ended up getting 1 even though I didn't want do. So I'm still stuck in this shit. I truly want to stay the hell out of this-but I don't......why? Well, I remember learning something about Chasing the Dragon or Chasing the high you had when you first started this drug that you will never again get...for some reason, that's hard for me to understand-not the thing or idea itself-but I know I have so much denial in this particular addiction that I didn't have in drinking. Bottom line-the only reason I'm stuck doing heroin is to keep from getting sick. That's it. I don't want people to think I"m doing this because I want to get high- I do, but that's not what happens. I do it simply to get well. How sad is that? In this past year of doing this stuff, this is where it landed me. I haven't had fun in this for months now and I've been complaining-but the other reason why I stay is the obsession-not as bad as it was, but it truly is like I need to rewire my brain-to try and totally erase the memory of the initial H high and to totally forget every single bad thing that happened from this. There is not ONE SINGLE thing left in this at this point for me. I watched myself from the outside from the beginning. I heard myself first say "the only reason I'm doing this is for the high feeling, even though negative things are starting to happen." Then it went to, and is at now- "the only thing I"m doing this is to keep from withdrawing". I put myself through all this just so I don't get sick over and over-trust me, if Dre had a suboxone today, I would have gotten that instead. So, in a couple more days, when this 1 pill is gone-ok let's face it, tomorrow evening-when this shit is done with, I'll go back to being sick again. I'm sorry but I simply cannot just let it run its course. Especially when I have to go to work-do you think I feel like going in there feeling like shit? No. So I take out more money, and tell more lies, etc-just to get well. That is it. Simple as that and complicated as that. That's all this shit has left for me. But what I also have trouble understanding is-why did this take me down so fast? It's only been 1 year-and I know not everyone in this stays several years- some get into H only for a few months, then they end up addicted longer to the suboxone or methadone-and I have to say that the last time I got suboxones, I ended up getting into the high-but it just seems to me like H ripped me apart and knocked me down faster than it would others. I don't think that's true-but then again other than my denial, what keeps me in this also is how I compare out. I compare my issue to those that are much worse-Worse? How could anyone define that? I am the same as someone that has been doing this for several years. All addicts have the same mindset, similar reasons for numbing ourselves in the first place, right? Honestly, we aren't any different-that's why when I used to go to AA, I used to like how I always was able to relate to someone else's story-of course you can!
Anyway, so as of now I am beyond annoyed with this situation-I don't get any kind of a high-and I mainly do it by snorting it-so I'm thinking the next level would be to use the needle, so I can put more of it in me-but.....you know, I just find it ridiculous;if I can barely afford my current addiction problem, what makes me think I can afford more? That's just it-I cannot afford my addiction tolerance level, literally. That's it. So why can't I just grasp all of this, drop the denial, and quit?

1 Year Anniversary of Using Heroin

Well this month, August, marks the 1 year anniversary of my heroin journey. You know, when I quit these past couple of weeks I truly thought it was over. I ended up getting 2 the other week and now I'm really poor. Thankfully I can pay my upcoming bill. I've always made sure I could afford what really mattered. Even if I had to steal money or sell my things to get the money to pay for the bill. But I know I'm just skimming by. I tell myself I'm not craving it and am not in the obsessed mentality I was in while it was really bad but I don't know if that's true. I"m just ignoring my urges to buy more-because I can't afford it. If money weren't an issue-I'd buy tons of H, but realistically money is an issue and every time I get back into this addiction, I end up poor again. There's no way around it.
Well last week Angie had me meet an NY dealer so I could give him names of people around here that use H. I only know Jeff, Dre and Rob-so it's not worth it for the NY guy to come here for 3,4 people. There I go quickly getting worst, in more dangerous situations-nothing bad happened. In fact, the dealer gave me money for gas to get home-even though right afterward I went to meet Rob-he bought me 2 from a very bad area of the city-I've been there once-so after buying just 2, I really am pinching my pennies. That's why I am PRAYING this new job stays. Not just to afford H-to afford school too! I pay $200.00 a month for school and I haven't been paying in 2 months, and yet I have $60-80 to pay for H? That's how important this shit truly is to me I guess........that's why I didn't want to get started again. The second you get started, the second shit hits the fan again. So, Angie has this other guy that lives closer who is also coming from NY with a shit load of H and he's wanting me to buy. Yea only one problem-I CAN'T AFFORD ANY MORE! Usually it was where I'd go see Dre and he would let me get a few for free and I'd pay him later but that hasn't been happening lately. So, unless money falls from the sky, I honestly can't be doing any for a good few weeks-maybe not even until I get a check from this new job!

Saturday plans?

After tonight, I will refrain from using H or xanax until I know for CERTAIN that my new job will not drug test.  That way I willl be half ased straightl I realllllly need any job and it's retail and I have done that before-although I do missed tipped jobs because at least I went home with money in my pocket every night and i would put my checks in the bank for my bills and use my tips for H= ---ok I keep really nodding so I really need to wrap up this journal post. Ok so I want to go to school tomorrow because i haven't been there in a couple of days. the last time I was there was after I bought xanax and that shit made me so damn tired i only spent 2 hours in school then made my way home-yes i drove home high and drowsy on xanax..............

anyway so i really need to spend more time in school. i found out that I am now a sophomore at the school now!! I just took and  passed my 355 hour test with an 83% [!!!] so I am not longer being taught by the beginning teacher, I am now going on up to another higher level teacher and I know this hard ass other teacher is a stickler for making sure you do neat and proper hairstyles-currently I am [stilll] doing perms on my mannequin heads. I say "still" because there the one styles I avoided because 1 they are kind of boring and so basically i only have to complete like 6 more perm styles and I'm done. But I think the same thing will happen again like my other jobs, trying to juggle a job and school schedule, I'm sorry but, it just dosn't work. I explained to this new manager I go to school and I have explained that with all my other past managers and they act like they don't care. they will make me work all the damn time and I dont even ever have time to go to school! I have GOT to be more strict an say look, seriously i need to finish school and i cant be working all the time...,but shit, what do I expect.......? I have to pay out of pocket for my school tuition. They dont accept financial aid-so I HAVE to work to pay for school. so maybe it's one of those Catch 22's; need a job to pay for school but need to attend school so I can finish on time. idk anyway im really nodding......nite!

ready to end it

I'm ready to end this pathetic exitence

Why can't I get a high/euphoria anymore?!

so just now I was on the phone with Rob and we just hung up but I was telling him yea I'm nodding but I am not itching, etc but I honestly a, not able to get the high euphoric feeling I got when I first started H. why not?? what gives??? and the H I got today was good and strong...scramble mixed with a little raw-raw is always good and strong but i do not know what is wrong with my body-why can't i ever get a high feeling anymore? tell me someone what is wrong? i used to spend  $200.00 worth of H and I would be done with it by the next evening. seriously that is why I want to stay out of this because I am eating up my money on this shit and no amount of strengths are working. This is why I am contemplating contacting that NY dealer for some black tar. I heard that shit is 10x stronger than the best kind I get here so maybe that's the trick. Rob said that black tar would have me possible OD and die because it's so strong. You can shoot or smoke that but I don't know much about it to want to mess with it. the kind I get is easier because you just snort or bang that. 

so even though I mixed the H,1 whole one, with 2 xanaxs and alcohol-I still feel sober...what the fuck?!

Going to rehab isn't such a bad idea

I'm talking to Rob now and I know he still wants to be with me and.......I mean, somewhat I don't want him or like him that way-but hey, as a person when he isn't high, he actually is a nice good and supportive guy-things I look for. Well no matter what I feel that I really need to go find a rehab or an outpatient place because bottom line I NEED HELP and I will never get off H or any drug or drink if I don't get help for my pain, anger and underlying problems.  A few weeks ago when I last used heroin other than today, I went to my rehab and visited one of the counselors I knew there and so now this rehab accepts insurance and they didn't when I was there so, I was thinking, I really, really want to go attend an outpatient class they have and try to get back into some meetings. I totally miss the people I met in that areas when I went to the rehab. So, I could contact my counselor, check on insurance info pricing, ----sorry, nodding out now lol-----and see what could happen. Just because I used H today does NOT mean I will allow myself to become addicted to it and withdrawal--  ahhh i keep nodding LOL

Left home today.

I'll never get the help I need because I'm too weak to admit this to my parents or try and find a therapist on my own. I couldn't take it anymore. I left home a few hours ago. I'm at a public library now typing this. I'm sorry God ut H to me now is too important. It's too much apart of my life to just leave it behind. My dealer, Dre said I could stay with him for a little bit. I might die because I'm too proud or guilty to admit anything or care about my safety. my parent's have been calling my phone nonstop. I'm surprised they didn't cancel it.

End of my 4 week heroin sobriety

Well I went back to the Devil again. I bought 2 pills of heroin from Rob today. I first met with Angie, my friend that sells me xanax, after a job interview today, and after my interview I went to Angie's house. While there, I met a heroin dealer from New York. He is a friend of Angie's boyfriend. This NY dealer came to Maryland a week ago to try and build connections with users and dealers. Since I told Angie I did/do heroin a while back, she put me in touch with this guy. Basically what he wanted was for me to give him a list of names/friends of other heroin users but all I know are Rob, Dre and Rob's friend Jeff. Just because I do H doesn't mean I know other people or have this long list of user friends. Angie assumed I knew a lot of people that this NY dealer could sell to but nope. So it was a waste of gas and time or me to meet this guy and so for my time the dealer gave me gas money-how nice- and Angie gave me 2 xanaxs.

Then I met up with Rob and bought 2 capsules of heroin. It's good but not that strong. I have a slight euphoric feeling but.....honestly, it's not as strong as when I very first started-so I kind of feel guilty for getting it. Rob told me to not do as much as I left off doing because that is how people OD but so silly me did almost a whole 1 pill and took it with a xanax............ :( 

Anyway so after tonight I am not doing any more, even though I have more-because I think I might end up having to do a drug test for this new job that I interviewed for. Thank GOD I got the job because I REALLY need to be employed and be able to pay my bills. Just to be able to pay this last bill I had to sell a really nice emerald ring I own. So, whether I do H or not, I still struggle financially to pay my bills but I know that spending my money on H really isn't helping.

Honestly, the feeling isn't as strong as I thought it would be. I quit for about 4 weeks-and so I did it just only about...an hour ago and I still don't feel that great of a feeling or that strong of a high.......this totally just cements that I really have no interest in H anymore. I don't. It's boring. It's not doing it for me. I still just -it's pointless......thankfully I only got 2 and didn't decide to buy more.

So I'm be totally fine never doing it again. Actually, I really think that I could do it casually because I don't care for it that much-so I really know I wouldn't go overboard again.

Ok Cupid.com

My last relationship was over a year ago. I met him in rehab. I haven't bothered with anyone since him. I started using heroin shortly after we officially broke up. A few months ago I created a profile on OKcupid.com I haven't logged in in about a month but when I logged in today, I got a message from a cute Italian long haired metal guitarist who lives near me. Nice! That's the type I go for-long hair musicians ;) I know I have things I need to change-not rushing into another relationship, not losing myself in the relationship, not pushing away responsibilities and only focusing on them, not ignoring red flags, etc but God I am ready to be in another relationship. I have learned so much about myself during my year of using heroin and I want so badly to be with someone-why? I really don't want to use a guy as another filler. Drugs are a filler, not people. I shouldn't need to be with anyone. I should be happy with me, but a lot of the time I'm not-but a guy certainly won't fix my issues....and being with someone is an addition to life, not my entire life and I haven't entirely realized that yet. Until I understand how to be in a real relationship, I shouldn't bother trying to get into one. I should focus on having good friends first-I need to learn that I don't NEED someone...I should want them. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone-because I have always wanted to be with someone for the right reasons-but they end up being the wrong guy and I ignore the red flags.

I want support, honesty, loyalty, someone I can do different activities with, someone artistic/creative, social, fun, knows how to treat others, knows how to be in a serious relationship, etc...and I haven't found that yet.

Addiction-Never ending battle

I am still clean off of heroin but it is relly getting to me today. I bought 10 more xanax pills yesterday and drank with them throughout last night. I miss Dre and even miss Rob so much. It's my loneliness that causes me to want to talk to them again not even to buy anything but just to talk. The last time I went to Dre's house was last week when he gave me a couple suboxones. He assumed I was there to buy heroin but I said I was done with that. The only reason I want to be done with heroin is because 1 can't afford it, 2. i wasnt getting the euphoria feeling anymore 3 i didnt want to go through another situation of me not being able to get a hold of him and ending up having to buy it on my own from strangers 4 the withdrawal ....and I know it's best if I don't pick it up again because i know that if I do, I'll end up where I left off with it-in a desperate situation. I actually thought Dre was my friend. How could I think that? He's my dealer, he takes my money, he won't even tell me his last name. Sure he tries helping me and cares enough about me as a person to try and get me to quit-which is why he gave me suboxones. He said he knew what he was doing- get me on suboxones to get me off the heroin addiction, take my money and not bother with me again. I can easily go up there again and see him. I know his schedule and I know where he lives. Maybe I'll go see him tomorrow morning. I just......miss him-as a friend-yes. I'm that lonely I see adrug dealer as a friend.

No one cares about me. No one even knows I've been on heroin or anything I've been going through in this last year. 

I didn't get to sleep last night until 5am. I caught a cool Alice in Chains interview on tv so I forced myself to stay up even tough I was so damn dead drained tired from the xanaxs I took throughout the day.

Angie, the girl that gives me Xanax told me she knows a heroin dealer that comes from NY and he wants to talk to me. She told him I do/did heroin and he has some business proposition for me. I really don't want to get involved in any illegal business plan-so I declined but hey-if he can get me H, why not? Jesus-when will I get it!? I cannot afford it. I cannot deal with it financially, emotionally, mentally-so why all the sudden do I want it again? I only kept seeing Dre for H because i trust him. He never put me in a situation that would get me in trouble. I never even had to go to the area he bought it from. I'd just sit in the car and wait for him to walk over and buy it. That safe. That simple. Why would I even contemplate wanting to mess with some stranger dealer from NY!?  The only thing that hasn't happened to me so far in the heroin addiction was getting arrested and I will never allow that to happen. 

Sorry I haven't posted an entry lately. Glad you all enjoy reading. Also, thank you to those that added themselves to my Facebook page! 

I just find myself in such a strange situation. I feel so lonely and uncomfortable, akward sober. I miss the chaos, frustraiton and BS involved with H but I know I don't miss it.....I dreaded it for months. But that was my norm. It's not normal but for me, that lifestyle that went with being a heroin addict is comforting, normal. I had a good conversation with Denise, Sean Kinney's sister. Sean is the drummer from AIC. Denise was in alcoholism and we talk about my struggles- I try to talk to whomever I can because I feel I don't have anyone I can share how I feel with. She said there will be days when I miss H and I have to learn how to ignore those cravings. She said if I went back, I'd get into it even deeper and I believe that. At this point, if money were no object, I'd get tons of it and just.......I don't even know-but I miss it and...I miss even the things I hated when I was in it. So how will this end? These past few days I wish I ODed. I really wish I had more suboxone with this xanax so I could just end it. Even though I quit H, I still cannot stand my existence. Because it's not just about H. It's about my entire 14 year addiction. It's not about the drug-it's about not dealing with the underlying pain I haven't dealt with yet. Addiction is a choice but it is a disease. Nothing annoys me more than people that don't understand that addiction is a disease of the mind. The mind and nothing else. Ultimately it's about not dealing with the pain and situations that hurt you-the reason why you drug yourself in the first place. How do you think people end up homeless or dead? Because this addiction takes over-even if you want to stop it's just so hard to change your mindset. I wish I had a whole new brain. I wish I could knock out everything drug and addiction related out of my mind and start new. That's how bad it is. It's about rewiring your thinking. How do I even start to deal with my issues? I know the problem is that I am doing this alone. I need someone to help me but I don't want to sit there and explain my history. Don't tell me how I feel-I know myself and my problem better than anyone so I really don't want to hear your BS. Unless you are personally are an addict yourself, you don't understand. It's more than whatever crap you read in a book. It's about personal experience.

Hello Everybody

Sorry I haven't gotten a chance to pop in and post anything. I'm still doing well. It has  been 3 weeks since I last used heroin but only a few days since I last used Suboxone. I haven't been craving H at all and I am very thankful for that. I have a couple of job interviews coming up and I am also very thankful for that. I'm just so glad I don't have to be a slave in that miserable addiction anymore. Honestly, I don't think I'll touch H again. I haven't spoken to Dre since I last saw him. A few days ago I went to his house and he gave me a few Suboxone. He tried to push me into getting H but I declined. I knew something like that would happen. What did I think, he was my friend? How silly of me. No, he's nothing more than a drug dealer after my money and I won't give into anything I don't want to do. I knew I am done with H and now I know I really am. The  girl I got H from 3 weeks ago has been calling me, trying to be my friend so I can get more H from her. I told her I quit but for some reason that doesn't stop her from trying to sell me stuff. I haven't bothered talking to Rob in days either. He gave me this whole speech about being serious about quitting and yet when I was at Dre's last week, he told me that Rob was coming by later that same day to get something. So much for Rob telling me he wants to quit.

Sober House 2

Sober House with Dr. Drew Sneak Premiere!: Jenn welcomes the residents as they settle into the group home.

Created a Facebook

If any readers are interested in adding themselves to my facebook page, please go ahead! it's about my blog here, obviously.
http://www.facebook.com/scarlett.raven.37

First Day of Relapse

july 19, 2012

I was good for a week then.......this is just way too hard. I went back up and...well I didn't get H but I got suboxone,3 of em......I still feel it's a relapse  because I started using them to get high. I'm not getting them because I'm still sick. Well, I go back and forth.....knowing the reasons, knowing what it does, knowing how this whole thing hurts me and the lies and stealing, and selling shit and doing guilty things and never having enough money-and thanks to getting suboxone today, I now need to sell some things to make sure I can pay my bill next months. geez this crap never ends. it's really.......I really, really wish I never started this shit. i wish I never touched heroin. this truly is a never ending hell. once you've tried it, once you know the feeling, you never forget. it's awful.

i applied at more jobs today. that's another reason I really need to quit......how will I get a job if I fear testing positive!? that is not helping my job search if i only apply to jobs that dont test. I cant survive off those crappy jobs.

Why is finding a job so difficult??

July 17, 2012

This is part of the reason I forced myself to quit heroin; I cannot find a job! I refuse to go bankrupt for this drug and I have already sold my jewelry and instruments so ......but shit, I quit-for now at least-so wanting a job has nothing to do with being able to afford heroin. I partially accepted that the game is over. I wanted to get out of the addiction, the slavery, etc SO BADLY-so ok I'm out and...honestly, I still don't care to go back. Why bother?

I need/ want a job so I can pay my damn bills. I have applied to every single job online and in person that fits my skills and still, nothing! Sick........

Ok......I know myself  better than this......the second my bill gets paid next month, any money I have left over I will go back and  buy H. I know it.  But it's already out of my system, and God knows I do not want to go through the withdrawals and all of that again, so why bother going back? I got high with half a suboxone today. My last one. My tolerance must be going down. I guess it would by now. I can still get suboxones or even Xanax if I want. Shit, heroin is too expense. For now, I'm fine still. I was getting anxiety and slight cravings earlier today but it really goes away once I think about something else.
I haven't talked to Rob in a couple of days. I'm somewhat fine with that too. I just really wish Dre would call me. I'm somewhat tempted to go to his house one of these mornings but even that I don't care to do. Why? Just to waste gas and end up buying H....nah. It's so weird, I struggled wanting to get out of H for months and yet all of the sudden I'm out, that's it, so easy? It's not easy but honestly you know what is keeping me from using again? As soon as I start thinking about the aggravation, stress, withdrawals, money spent, lies, selling things, etc-I don't' care to go back. And that is all H has to offer. The desire to quit is physical, but it's mental too.

Heroin Anonymous

http://www.heroin-anonymous.org/

I was looking around different Blogger addict related pages and stumbled upon Heroin Anonymous. Wouldn't it be GREAT if there was such a thing as this near me, instead of AA or NA? I have been to a dozen AA meetings and only 1 or 2 NA meetings but I would totally got to HA. Do they even have an HA meeting near me?! I just don't like AA because they don't understand. Alcohol is one thing. Heroin truly is a whole separate beast. Heroin truly changed me forever. Heroin truly ruined me forever. I can only and only want to relate to heroin addicts, past and present. Maybe NA would work or even Chemically Dependent Anonymous but honestly, if there was an HA meeting I would go! As soon as I read this, on HA's main page, I KNEW I had to learn more.

On HA's main page, it says-"No more stealing to cop dope. No more lying to maintain our habit. Being dope sick is a thing of the past. Worrying about our next fix is no longer a problem. Having to get straight in order to function does not exist for us. We have found a way to live that is free from heroin addiction."

How true is that?! Stealing, lying, withdrawal, coping, etc......that is totally my heroin life right there. So, that's why I don't care for AA or even NA. I need to find HA!

My journey into heroin. My story

I glamorized heroin starting at age 13.  I liked bands like Motley Crue and I saw how they glamorized and made heroin look like a cool party. I HAD to know what it was like. Was it really that great? My obsession for heroin never ended until I found it on my own, and I wouldn't quit until I found it-and lost myself in the process....

I found alcohol on my own. I guess since 8th grade I started feeling weird, odd, lonely, loner, etc. I didn't get along with my dad at all. Still don't really. His mom died from an overdose of alcohol and barbiturates when my dad was around 8. I felt alone and insecure since 3rd grade. Third grade was when my feelings of abandonment started. I failed that grade because I wasn't doing very well. It wasn't that I was slacking off or didn't care. I have a learning disability due to brain damage at birth-loss of oxygen at birth-so forever I will have difficulty remembering things and learn a little slower-makes you wonder why I am hurting my brain more by doing drugs huh. 8th grade-I started drinking. I distinctly remember opening my parent's kitchen cabinets and the first thing I began drinking was Kahlua. I remember perfectly.  So at the same time, 8th grade I was given anxiety pills and I remember that made me really drowsy. So 9th grade was when I had big issues with social anxiety.  I skipped school practically everyday for a month and went to some person's house. That was when I first tried marijuana. I didn't entirely like it but I did it anyway. I was actually taken out of regular high school and put into some kind of a day program for those with anxiety, depression, etc. I always blamed my anxiety, depression, learning disability as to why I didn't care to quit drinking. In 9th grade and on I began abusing the anxiety pills I was given. I remember in 9th grade I met this guy who was surprisingly, a heroin addict, but I never touched it and he never gave it to me or even offered it. Actually my obsession and curiosity with heroin started around age 13. I became curious and glamorized it because the bands I liked-Motley Crue- glamorized it. I will never forget in 11th or 12th grade, I went to a house party and I remember always telling some people how obsessed with heroin I was. This one guy told me that I never came in contact with it because I was not supposed to get into that world. Boy was he right! Only I never found that out on my own of course until 10 years later.......My drinking and pill addiction never ended because I never stopped feeling like a victim, hating my disability, losing jobs, not doing well in school, etc. All I could think was, why me?

So, in December of 2010 I entered rehab. My parents put me there because I overdosed and ended up in the hospital. I mixed Jagermeister with klonopin-anxiety pills. I was in and out of consciousness in my home, alone. I had to call my aunt and she took me to the hospital-1 and a half days later! I didn't even realize that I was at home for that long injured-I almost lost my eye because during the overdose, I remember walking around and smacked my head on the door corner. The overdose wasn't why I went to rehab. I went to rehab because my parents found out that even after the overdose, I still continued to drink heavily. I'd say from 2001, until about 2010, I drank every day. Around 2008-2010, I would go to work drunk, call out "sick" to work and end up staying home knocking myself out on sleeping pills and alcohol, etc. 

While in rehab, I met a guy. He was a few years older than me and, like most of the other people in the rehab, had more experience with harder drugs than I did. The other patients wondered why I was even in rehab because I never had that street smart look. I just did never ever look like I would do any drug or drink! I still don't. After rehab I went to a half way house/sober house. I ended up getting kicked out a month later when I tested positive for Xanax-what my bf at the time gave me. I went back home and quickly fell back into drinking and ended he up introducing me to coke and percocet. I never got addicted to coke. I  only did about 5 lines one night. I didn't like how nutty and hyper it made me. It just increased my already bad anxiety. We stayed together for almost a year. It officially ended last June/August to be exact! Yes, exactly a year ago next month will be my 1 year anniversary with heroin!

So, I finally left him, a year ago this month. I didn't trust him, he truly did not act like a respectful boyfriend and I saw so many red flags. I am glad I went through that relationship because it taught me to never rush into anything again. I haven't since. Shortly after leaving him, I went on the Craigslist dating ad and met Rob. Rob,then 43, posted an ad about wanting to find a serious girlfriend, quitting heroin, etc. Bingo-there was my chance-heroin! I knew that if I didn't take advantage of the situation, I would probably never have an opportunity to try heroin again. The only thing I felt guilty for was that I used Rob to get access to heroin. I pretended to like him/be his gf, just so I could continue to get it. I think I do/did like him and I don't want to admit it. After all, this wasn't my first time being around a much older man. My obsession to try heroin never left me since I first started getting obsessed with it back in 1999. So I replied to his ad and it went from there. Actually, the first time we met was to score some H from him. I talked/begged him for about 3 weeks into letting me try heroin. He didn't want me getting started but he did anyway. I miss the way it used to be. I miss the initial rush, not having any problems, not caring if I lie, etc. I'd give ANYTHING to go back to the beginning of my heroin journey, mainly so I can get the euphoria again. But I can get that again now. I just need to quit for a certain amount of time and then try it again. Since I started heroin and since I met Rob, so many things have happened. Rob had a gun to his face and had our money taken, I stole money to fund my habit, I lied every time about where I was really going, I ended up getting withdrawals, I needed more and more heroin to get a high, I needed more and more money, etc..I remember a month after I started heroin, I noticed things quickly starting to go downhill. It was like I was looking from the outside in. I saw myself running into the brick wall and not even trying to slow down.

I entered cosmetology school in March of this year and I am not having any learning problems whatsoever. I realized that all my reasons for using are no longer my reasons! Well, yes I still feel lonely, alone, insecure, depressed-heroin got me into such a mess that I didn't know what addiction truly meant and I didn't know what it really felt like to be in hell/serious real addiction, until I started heroin. Heroin is one of the worst things you can get into. So fast I lost my money, friends, pride, respect, etc. Sure bad things happened while drinking but I never felt guilty about them. I actually started to open up eyes and realize why I was in the addiction when I entered rehab. I realized I'll never be able to quit if I don't fix my emotional and self image issues, it won't end until I learn how to let go of the past! It is so hard for me to let go. I am so sensitive-but I am glad I am. I'm sensitive, intuitive, etc. That's why it's hard for me to quit. I allow others to hurt me and it's hard for me to forget what someone said or did and my way to cope is with a drink or pill or, now, heroin. So, I don't know how much longer this can go on. Sometimes I'm surprised I'm still alive. I don't fear death. But for the first time in my addiction, since I started using heroin, I began to fear my fate and fear how I would be judged when I die; for once I felt and still feel guilty about lying, stealing, etc. That's why I want to quit. The only road this brings you down is to die or hurt others or do  bad things. Heroin enslaves you. Traps you in a vicious cycle. Before you know it, you are in it.

Craving like crazy today. I was able to relate to this person today-

I haven't used heroin in about 4 or 5 days. That is HUGE for me. I have never gone more than 2 days without anything. Surprisingly, I never got sick, withdrawal. That surprised me a lot. I think that is because early last week and up to today I have been doing small amouts of suboxone. I bet that helped. I thought I was starting to get sick this morning but thankfully I didn't. 

The one thing I like is being able to relate to other addicts. Respectfully, the following is a quote from a fellow h blogger. [Not going to include her name.] I enjoy reading her blog about her addiction journey and she enjoys reading mine. I am very glad I have someone reading my blog. I relate to SO MUCH and is one of the MAIN reasons I want to stay out-she types in one of her past blogs entries-> "It is so aggravating. The whole game. Making money, hopefully enough to get what I need...buying it, shooting it...then running out. I hate the whole running out part! Obviously. It is just a continuous cycle that will never end if I dont just QUIT using."

No one else other than other addicts understand that hassle and hell of addiction, the quote above. I cannot tell you how FRUSTRATING and AGGRAVATING, addiction, especially heroin addiction, can be. I wish I never started this shit. Honestly. It is AMAZING when you start but HELL when it starts to crumble. In my 14 years of addiction, alcohol/pills, I have mixed stuff and overdosed a couple of times. Even now that is one thing that never scares me. I didn't overdose but I did mix a scary mix of drugs last week-suboxone, heroin, xanax-and...I'd do it again. Not for suicidal reasons but just I guess that is a part of an addict's life...fearless actions.

Honestly, if I had the money, and didn't have to steal and just had the money in my account right now, I would buy more H easily. Easily. Sad huh. I am not going to kid myself...I will use again. Shit, come next month when I get this bill paid off, I am slightly thinking I will go back. Honestly, I don't think I do that much....It's 15 a pill and they come in see through capsules other than raw which is what I was starting to get. Raw comes in small zip lock bags-and so 15$ each....on average, weekly or 2x a week, I spend between $60.00-$80.00 recently but once I spent $200.00 and finished it in a day in a half. I could get xanax from my other friend for only $5.00 but seriously I haven't been working so I don't have any money. The money I put in my account today was from when I did my friend's hair cut and color this past Saturday and she paid me $70.00. Thank God for that. I could go to work with my dad. I have school though. I seriously try to find a job. I apply for every single Craigslist job that I am skilled in-office work mainly-but I can't get one interview. It's tough! So really just...I don't want to quit-I am forced to due to situations and money. The only reason I went to that strip club was to get money. The sad ass thing is I only was given $4.00 lousy bucks at this one club that wasn't busy at all and yet I made 70 bucks doing something RESPECTFUL-haircuts. Seriously.......why lower myself? I NEED MONEY for this fucking heroin! That is what heroin lead me to do-sell myself for money for this drug. That's why I want to get out....to stop being a slave to heroin and doing stupid and dangerous things all just so I can get money for it. That is why I posted the above quote from the other blogger-she understands my struggle and the frustration hell cycle inevitably involved with drug addiction.

Published Book

July 16, 2012

I would love to turn my journal here into a book. A fiction book where I include these blog entries as well as interview those I came in contact with. Well, maybe not a blatant interview but just a one on one for those to get a better sense and idea of how addiction and the world in it really plays out. The dealers, users, pushers, strippers, etc-all of the people I have met in my journey through my heroin addiction. I guess I can say that as of today, I am about 5 days sober. Honestly, I still want to stay sober. I go back and forth though. I don't entirely want to quit but then again no addict would want to quit if they never went through negative consequences. Why would they? The only reason people do quit is because things happen. So today I went to school for about 3 hours. I'm about to watch the season finale, well finale totally, of The Closer. I got into the show after watching one episode at Dre's house. See, everything has to do with those I have met in addiction haha

The last time I talked to Dre was last Friday. So I am hoping he calls again. He said he would. He just needs to get his phone working again. I know he cares. Rob doesn't call to ask how I am. He never calls to see if I'm alive or not. But Dre does. Dre cares. I have a bill to pay and I only need 20 more dollars to pay it and it's due early next month so honestly, after that gets paid off, I may end up buying more dope or suboxone or whatever......I can't sit here and say I'll never touch it again but...BUT I KNOW that if I touch it again, I'll get hooked again and I"ll end up where I left off, or worst. If I can soberly understand the consequences, then so be it.

Putting My Skills To Good Use

July 15, 2012

Today I went to my friend's house from high school, Mary Beth, and did her hair. I also did her grandmother's hair, haircut, and her friends color. Mary Beth got a cut and color. All together I earned $70.00! Feels good to earn money the RIGHT WAY other than from stripping and being trashy and guilty in the end. I got way more than I thought. I charged $15 for each thing but each person ended up paying me more than that so I came out with more. That'll help me pay my bills. So that's what I did  today. Yesterday I went to school. It truly feels good to do the right thing. It felt good to go where I said I was going instead of lying like I have been for months. What I would do sometimes is tell my mom I'm going to school when I would really be going into the city to get H. That's not nice, to lie like that. I guess the few things I do like about AA/NA is when they say "One day at a time" and talk about doing the right thing and living the right way....it really does feel good to earn trust and respect again. I haven't done any heroin or xanax since early this past week so probably not for 3 or so days. I thankfully haven't gotten any withdrawal feelings. I got high on half a suboxone strip last night. You know, this really isn't easy. Opiate addiction is the hardest to get out of. I pray it stays this way; I pray that  don't continue to go into day sober. I was totally sober today and you know, it felt good. It feels SO GOOD to remove that giant weight from your conscience. Sobriety isn't just about health-it's about finally living a good life and being a good person. Not lying, stealing, etc.

It's My Decision to End My Addiction

July 13, 2012

Well I did it. I threw away then paper that had Dre and Angie's addresses on it. I memorized how to get to Dre's house without needed anything written down at this point but it was the symbol and action of throwing the address paper away that truly helped me quit, try to quit, this entire addiction once and for all. I felt so guilty for hurting my mom when she found out about me going to the strip club-and I have been feeling guilty about this entire addiction, lying, stealing, ect.- that I have to get out.  I don't know what will happen next. Is Dre a bad guy? No. He has tried to get me to quit for weeks. He gave me methadone and suboxones- not at once- to help me get off H and not get sick but I practically ignore him. He wanted to take me to meetings and I ignore-so he tries to help, he isn't bad but at the same time, he will still take my money and still let me buy H. What do I mean let me? No one can stop me but me. It's my decision and no one else needs to help me but I should be appreciative that I am not around truly crappy people and I am around those that want to help. Even Rob..I can't stand him but he has been regretting that he ever gave me that first hit of H in the first place months ago. I have been tired and frustrated in this addiction for months now and I have been dragging my feet-not wanting to buy it, not wanting to steal to get money, not wanting to constantly be poor because I'm wasting my money on this shit. It's not a fun lifestyle at all to be in a heroin addiction and hey-if I am finally trying to get out, then good. This past week alone I already had several downfalls. 1st Downfall-Copping on my own on Sunday because I was sick as shit in withdrawal and that day I wasn't able to get a hold of Dre so I had to cop because I felt like shit and I was not going to return home empty handed and sick. 2nd Downfall- Monday finally seeing Dre, he gave me 4 Suboxone strips and a small amount of heroin and sent me home. Only I didn't go straight home. I went to Angie's and bought about 7 Xanax's. Within a 3 hour period I took all 7 and that's when I mixed it with the Suboxone strips and the heroin. Because I was high as hell, almost to the point of overdosing, I got the grand idea of going to the city and stripping. <--- 3rd Downfall. So in only what, 3 days, I went to hell in a hand basket, each situation worst than the one before it. I'm not the only one going through this. I have been hurting my parents for years in this addiction. God only knows what is next, and I know Him or angels or someone or something has kept me alive this long and kept me from getting arrested and I know that I have to quit  forever before something awful happens. Thankfully I haven't had any withdrawal symptoms yet but just in case I do get that I have 1 more Suboxone strip left. I have to change my behavior, want better in my life and.....just change my mentality and stop being so self hating and negative and BS-that mentality is what drives my addiction! I CHOOSE to do stupid stuff. Copping on my own was my own DECISION. Yes I was at the mercy of withdrawals and a slave to heroin but that was still a choice. Stripping was my DECISION-another awful and dangerous choice, but still a choice nonetheless. So what's next? My decision to quit......

Hitting The Hardest Bottom

July 11, 12

Good Lord I really did it to myself this time. I really hit bottom last night. I applied to work at several strip clubs both locally and in the city, where I buy heroin. I'm really getting desperate for money. I can't seem to find a normal job so I stripped at a couple of clubs tonight. I really feel guilty. I should. I did the ultimate never-selling myself. My mom found out the next morning about what I had done. She found business cards from two clubs and the clothes I wore on stage. This has to end. I'm really falling now. Rob wasn't happy about what I had done. Dre is probably still mad at me when I told him I mixed the xanax with the Suboxone strips and the H. I haven't talked to him in a couple of days. I'm going no where fast. Why do I glamorize stripping and that trashy lifestyle the same way I have always glamorized H? I have to quit for good. I will die soon or get arrested. Those are the only 2 things that haven't happened to me, yet-arrested or death.

Kurt, Layne, Mike....them and why not me?

July 12, 2012

I think -well I often wonder why I'm here. For a long time I thought I was here to suffer. All that surrounded me was abandonment, let downs, people leaving, jobs ending, constant let downs and the only thing that did stick by me was alcohol in the beginning and now my heroin. Heroin is the only damn thing that won't leave...Those guys, Kurt, Layne, Mike-didn't deserve to have their lives end. They had talent, more esteem and confidence than I have....I'm a musician too. Although I'm too negative to actually get anywhere with it. I sold my bass guitars for you know what-H. I've been singing since 1993. I'd like to get back in a band and make it work this time. I'd love to sing for a band, a metal/rock band. Something like Crue, AIC,etc....I love a 80s glam and 90s grunge, so something in between those two things.

I really do have an awfully negative mentality, don't I? Thinking my life isn't as important as those guys-wondering why their lives ended to the same problem I have, addiction, and I'd gladly take their place...what a sad thing. But shit look---the SAME SHIT is happening...nothing is changing, nothing is getting better-and it has NOTHING to do with the drugs....yes I use my learning disability as a big excuse as to why I can't do better in life. And I know my work ethic totally sucks-so there you go, I do know what my problem is, and this is when the addiction gets psychological and hard to get out of.....because my mind set is so dark and deep and negative and self loathing that it's a total trap. I hurt, I use heroin, and the cycle repeats..........but how long can I go on??Do I really want to die??? No. Actually, it wouldn't be a good time because I know I'd be judged by the bad things I've been doing due to my desperation to get money for my addiction. Heroin has brought me down so fast. 

Music has been such a big part of my life. It's like my soundtrack. I can tell you where I was, whom I was with when a certain song was playing. The only thing I allow my mind to actually memorize are lyrics. I paint and write too. I'm a creative person, yes! That's what I absolutely love and where my heart belongs, but my low self confidence-it took me a long time to admit that-is making it hard for me to be successful at it.
School feels so foreign to me. My mom said that school is the most important and that I don't even need to work and they'll pay for school-great except little do they know I DO need a job to pay for heroin. This is another reason why drug addiction is so damn difficult to maintain and gets in the way. That's why I stole money from them. That's why I sold my jewelry and instruments and ultimately sold myself......

Layne Staley Blog-thought I'd share this

I wasn't aware that there was a blog dedicated to Layne but here it is :)
http://fuckyeahlaynestaley.tumblr.com/

Sean Kinney Interview-

I can entirely relate to what Sean says in this interview. My biggest question is how do you STAY stopped once you have kicked drugs? The interviewer of this video seemed surprised that Sean continued to do drugs even after Layne died......but that isn't surprising at all. Consequences or other people around you dying doesn't make it any easier for you to quit. Why do you think people end up homeless, in jail, dead? Consequences mean nothing. But how do you quit and stay quit? Sean is one of the lucky ones;he quit and got out alive. Not many get that chance. It is a choice. It's in the mind. That is when addiction becomes psychological. All addiction really is is psychological. As long as you are stuck in a negative, self destructive mind set will be as long as you choose to use the drug.

The only ones that know. H, my best friend

July 11, 12

Occasional I talk to Gayle Starr, Mike Starr's mom through Facebook. I think of her as my second mom sometimes. I've told her things I would never be brave enough to tell my own mother. I told her about mixing the drugs I did the other day, I told her about all the awful things I've done and heroin and how guilty I feel and how depressed I am......she once told me that Mike is looking down on me and hoping I choose a better life. She says she prays for me and hopes I get out alive.....but I don't want to quit heroin-I just want all the bad things to go away. But that won't ever happen. Heroin is a love/hate thing for me. The one thing that tearing my life up is the one thing I hold so close. I haven't talked to Nancy, Layne Staley's mom in a while but I she used to try and get me to quit as well. If I know damn well that it's the drugs that are harming me yet God no I don't .......I cannot live life without something in me. SOMETHING. I am way too depressed and have too much anxiety to be sober........Is it worth it?Sometimes, yes. Heroin does have it's pros. My body looks beautiful, I get so many compliments-and maybe I do buy into that. It was the worst fucking decision to ever start heroin in the first place. I late August, it will be an exact year since I've started. It wasn't only a mistake because of the downfall, but because once you know the high, you don't want anything else. Once you meet H, you are tied at the hip. Sure you'll die, lose your soul-but all you can think about is as long you have heroin, nothing else matters.......all other things pass. Things you do and feel guilty about, that passes, because you have your best friend by your side.

Losing My Soul

July 11, 12

My life is getting worst. The decisions I'm making are getting poorer. Last night I danced at a couple of local strip clubs. I officially sold my soul and morals and I feel absolutely guilty and awful. I was in one of the most dangerous, trashy areas and I got taken advantage of so fast........I look so damn naive.

My mom found out this morning what I had been up to. She found the lingerie I danced in and several business cards from a few clubs. I can't begin to tell you how lucky I am to not have gotten killed or raped. Honestly I'm glad my mom caught me. I believe in things being meant to be and God did not want me going down that awful path. I told Rob what I had done and he wasn't happy either. He used to work at the door and guard at several of those clubs I went to. He worked there years ago and he knows how dangerous it is and he told me that I am worth more than that. I just wish I believed it.

I swear all I want to do and all I think about is heroin. The other day I took heroin,xanax, and suboxones at once. I can barely remember one day to the next. My life is ending fast if I don't get serious....

Rob and me won't ever quit heroin but we won't allow it to get out of control. Things got awful for months and I can't let it continue. Dre was mad that I did that deadly mixture of drugs too. He is so mad he won't take my calls......Things are really bad now. I need help.

Dre suggests AA

july 10/12

I just called Dre to see how he was doing. I stupidly-a better word would be guiltily told him that I mixed a couple xanaxs with heroin with a suboxone strip at once last night....I didn't wake up til noon today. He told me that was a really stupid thing to do and I know that-that's how Mike Starr died-by mixing xanax and methadone.....I tell myself I'm not suicidal but bored....I really don't know..but Dre wasn't too happy with me. He truly does care. Trust me, I do care about myself-but all I can think about is how shitty I feel in my life and how much I absolutely hate my life so much and my current situation so much that death is looking good. I miss heroin so much. But I have to understand where that took me. I don't even get the euphoria anymore-I do it to get well. I hated all the things that heroin took away from me so why would I miss it?Oh God........all my life I was able to recognize those that cared about me. Trust me, I know I have angels saving my life from every dangerous thing I do-and I have done a lot. The last time I took too many pills was when I drank a bunch of Jagermeister and mixed it with some kind of anxiety medicine. There were about 30 in the pack and practically overnight there was only 4. I was at home alone with a guy I had invited over-he brought the Jager- my parents were on vacation. I blacked out, hit my head really hard on the corner of a table and then on a wall, blood was everywhere......and the guy left me there at home like that when he went out to work. Asshole. The next day or I think 2 days later, I finally called for help. I called my therapist and sent her a text saying "I think I need help" and then I called my cousin on my mom's side who came to get me and take me to the hospital. This is what happens every single time I take pills-exactly what happened then and what happened last night-I OD. 

Dre wants to take me to a meeting in his area. I'd go even thought I don't follow AA or NA and their whole rules and BS. I know I need help but I know I'm too damn stubborn. Read all the other posts on here- I KNOW I AM HURTING MYSELF but if I don't have any drug in me I HURT MORE.

Friends lost...turning their backs in judgement

July 10, 2012

The other day I thought about how many friends I had that stopped talking to me or wanting anything to do with me once they found out about my heroin use. I told them and honestly I feel they are being judgmental. Why did you stop talking to me? I don't even look like I do anything! Everyone says they are surprised that I do it because I don't have that look. What look? Well, maybe I have it more than I think. I lost over 20 lbs in only 2 or 3 months, and the other day my sister said I looked so thin even in my face. I don't think she suspects I'm using drugs but she constantly questions how I lost such a big amount of weight so fast. I tell her I just don't eat a lot and hell what am I supposed to say? How the hell do you lose this much weight in such a small amount of time and aren't even able to give a proper answer? I remember when I went to her house a few weeks ago and had done a large amount of heroin before I left home and I was nodding so hard in front of her and my mom. My sister was like, "wow, you must be tired!" I guess she does suspect something. I do want to tell them. I wish I could tell someone everything. All I have to tell all my secrets to is this blog and those reading it. The readers, some addicts themselves, truly understand. That's the only reason I liked AA-I was surrounded by those who understood the struggle. But I don't agree with the 12 steps or having a sponsor to answer. I don't need to answer to you. Well, honestly, I don't like the 12 steps because those are about fixing your issues and facing things and clearly I have denial issues and don't want to face anything. Obviously that's why I'm in this- not dealing with my issues and not wanting to go into withdrawal. I don't even do this for the euphoria. I do it to stay from getting dope sick. Isn't that sad? That's when you know it's the end, you do it to stay well.

How bad is this really? I mean, I wasn't even scared to stick that needle in my arm. I just do it. How bad is heroin that people really need to stop talking to me? How bad? Am I really asking that asinine question? Well let's see shall we-let's point out all the things this shit has left me with-friendless, health issues, money issues, deeper depression, guilt, etc.......It's denial-strong denial as to why I stay. The only thing I go back to thinking about is money-spending the amount of money on this that I do-between $40.00 and $200.00 a week[!] Yes I know that's bad but it's certainly not the only problem. The mental aspect, the obsession of this drug is the number one reason as to why it's hard for people to quit. I get confused, my mind goes back and forth. It's like I need a constant reminder as to what my reasons are for quitting. No wonder I hate those 12 Steps, I can't even stay on Step 1-"Stop denying and admit you have an issue". I acknowledge and admit it and then I fall right back and all those excuses and problems that this has caused just go right out the window when I'm craving. That's all I can think about. I don't care if I'm hurting or lying to anyone or inconveniencing anyone-when it's in my mind, my obsession, I'll do anything and push anything out of the way to get it-That's the definition of an out of control addiction.

Tribute to Mike Starr and Layne Staley

                                 

I'll Never Forget the both of you. You know, how many times do I think it's you, Layne, God, or some angels that save me, get me out of bad situations, trying to get me out of this addiction path-trust me, I see the signs, I hear the warnings.

You made admitted you made a mistake. I can easily still make your same mistake but I don't want it to end that way. Do I truly think my fate will turn that way? Do I think I can do this forever and not die from it? I've been drinking for 14 years, sleeping and other pills from 10 or so years, heroin for almost a year......what now? I always felt I was in a crossroads and I could end up going either way. I still know that I have more than enough opportunity to get out. I'm not even 30 yet. I don't mix things because I want to die. It's not intention, it's on impulse. It's from frustration. A constant frustration and anger about my current life situation. A situation I have been in since 1993-even though of course I never touched a drink until I was about 13.  I was born this way but it's in my hands now. Instead of self loathing and wallowing I can build my strengths, acknowledge what I need to do to get in a better frame of mind. I blame my learning disability. That's stupid and a pointless excuse. That's the number 1 excuse I have made since day 1; my learning disability. I still cannot keep a job because of it.I'm still going nowhere. You know, it's not just boredom or sadness-I think it's beyond depression. I simply cannot let go of the past. I complain about my existence, I complain that I keep getting into shit relationships, boredom. I have shit so buried inside that I don't even fully know why I stay in this. What do I mean by boredom? Hey, let's face it-my parents are blind. Sure they see I've changed in the last year-but they don't see it as anything terribly different. I've always had these issues.It's as easy as saying I'm going to so and so's house or doing whatever or even going to school and where am I really? At Dre's or doing something other than where I said I was. That's a part of the guilt; when I was in my heavy drinking and pill years, I never felt any guilt for lying to my parents or how I was acting but when I stared heroin was when I started feeling guilty-so much so that I began fearing my fate-actually began fearing God. I was reading The Purpose Drive Life  by Rick Warren today and a lot of what's in that book is true. I actually starting thinking about that stuff recently; you better act true and right and moral in this life because you are judged at the end. You know you entered a world of mess with drugs when you seriously start questioning your future.That's why I said what I said earlier; I know I have archangels, God, sometimes I even think it's my grandmother, my mom's mother, or even my dad's birth mom, who looks over me. My dad's birth mom actually died in her sleep from mixing alcohol and barbiturates. She had a drinking problem and so does my aunt, my dad's sister. So, it's heretic, situational, etc as to why I do this. I know it's still a choice. I'm not trying to make any more excuses-I know I have to quit. I know my ride in heroin usage is done.  I don't even get the euphoria feeling so what's the point? That's when you know you hit bottom. There's a story in the AA book about some alcoholic finding her bottom, an emotional bottom-the beer or anything wasn't working for her the same way anymore so one day she said "what's the point? why keep going if I need increasing amounts due to my high tolerance level, why bother continuing?" that's dead on exactly how I feel. so, ok, fine-I'm fine-hey, I have xanax. I know that's not the answer, sorry, but trust me, I just want this monkey off my damn back-I have to quit heroin because truly nothing is as strong or destructive as that.

Same addiction, different drug

July 10, 2010

Turn the page, game over. I went to Dre's to get a few suboxones to help me through the upcoming withdrawals. I was serious about wanting to quit heroin. He only made me pay for one but gave me 3 extra. Then I went to a friend I knew from high school and got a few xanaxs. She gave me a couple extras of those too. So I mixed some heroin with a half a strip of suboxne with a couple xanax pills and I slept from 3pm to almost midnight! She also sells adderall so maybe I'll get those to wake up and take the xanaxs to help me sleep. I think that I'll miss the most about quitting heroin is that I'll finally get to sleep at a normal time;heroin took away my sleep. It's also give me back my orgasms-oh how badly do I miss those. :) I don't like the fact that I'll start to gain that weight back that I lost because of the heroin. I'm not looking forward to that. Well supposedly Adderal helps with weight loss too.

Anyway, I really can't say I'll quit heroin for good, but I know the hellish road it put me on so fast and I don't want to continue that. I need a constant reminder and reassurance. It's more than just writing it down. I need to constantly play the negative reasons of what heroin did to me in my mind over and over. You know how in AA they say play the tape over and over? Don't just think about the good, fun times you had but also think of all the problems and negatives that happened because of your addiction........that's what I need to do now. So maybe some of that AA talk with help now. I'm not against it, I just know it's not for me because there are a lot of things about the program that I don't agree with.

 Well so there you go. It's my anniversary too. A year ago in late August I started heroin. Interesting, huh? Late August I started heroin and here we are in mid July and I'm quitting. I couldn't even make it a year. Was heroin worth it? In the end, no. Would I do it over again knowing what I know now? I don't know...I just wish so badly I could go back to the beginning when I used to get that great eurphoria feeling. I don't get that anymore. There really isn't any reason to stay in this because the only reason I'm doing it for is not to get sick. I'm not even doing it to get high anymore. That's the same thing Layne Staley said about his addiction,

" I'm not doing this to get high like people think. I'm doing it because I need it like a diabetic needs insulin. That's basically where I'm at and that's not a good place to be and if I can quit before it gets worse, and it will whether I want to believe it or not, it will.

I think if I quit heroin for a good while and go back, I could. But even with the Xanax it's the same story. I'm still losing money, I'll eventually end up stealing money or selling my belongings. Sure it's only 5$ a pill but you know I always end up getting several of them so that adds up. You know, I didn't quit anything really. I just changed my DOC-drug of choice. I went from alcohol to whatever pills I used to do-sleeping pills mainly, to valium, to vicodin, to coke-only did that a few times, to one night of xanax, to percocet, to heroin, back to xanax.....that's my story. Those are the things I've done. That was the progression of the devil, the addiction. All I know and all I remind myself and fell grateful for is that I know I'm lucky and in God's hands. They say that every time you do one of these things you are risking your life but I never though of it like that. Sure I have OD'd, went to the hospital, went to rehab, got really injured-but none of those things stopped me. Do I have a bottom? The that bottom death?

I publicly said to people such as my therapist that no, I don't have a bottom and I don't see myself ever quitting anything.  I've always been risky. Even when I was younger I would do dangerous things and think nothing of it. I would ride my bike all over town, on  busy roads or I'd hang around people I hardly knew, skip school. My mom knows how I am. She knows I was enjoyed doing dangerous things and I guess I think nothing will happen to me, even though things have happened. I remember the first time I used a needle for heroin and even that didn't scare or bother me. I have to have something in my system everyday to feel comfortable. There are way too many things going on in my life and my family to that stress me out or anger me that I don't think I could ever quit and be stone sober. No way.  God only knows what happened. but I He is exactly whom I started thinking about. You know you must feel guilty about your lifestyle when you star thinking more about God and your fate and your ending when you are doing these behaviors. Well, heroin was the only drug that dragged me down so fast that I had to start fearing my fate and feeling guilty. No other drug resorted me to stealing, lying, and doing all the things that go hand and hand with this way of life.The songs below, Alice in Chain's JUNKHEAD and Martika's TOY SOLDIERS. They sum up how I fell and basically an addict's life pretty damn well. I can relate to a lot of what Layne wrote in this song.  

  Junkhead-AIC

A good night, the best in a long time
A new friend turned me on to an old favorite
Nothing better than a dealer who's high
Be high, convince them to buy

What's my drug of choice?
Well, what have you got?
I don't go broke
And I do it a lot

Seems so sick to the hypocrite norm
Running their boring drills
But we are an elite race of our own
The stoners, junkies, and freaks

Are you happy? I am, man
Content and fully aware
Money, status, nothing to me
'Cause your life is empty and bare

What's my drug of choice?
Well, what have you got?
I don't go broke
And I do it a lot

You can't understand a user's mind
But try, with your books and degrees
If you let yourself go and opened your mind
I'll bet you'd be doing like me
And it ain't so bad

What's my drug of choice?
Well, what have you got?
I don't go broke
And I do it a lot
Say, I do it a lot!
Say, I do it a lot!
Say, I do it a lot!
Say, I do it a lot! 

 ~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

Toy Soldiers-Martika 

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers

It wasn't my intention to mislead you
It never should have been this way
What can I say
It's true, I did extend the invitation
I never knew how long you'd stay

When you hear temptation call
It's your heart that takes, takes the fall
Won't you come out and play with me

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers

Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers

It's getting hard to wake up in the morning
My head is spinning constantly
How can it be?
How could I be so blind to this addiction?
If I don't stop, the next one's gonna be me

Only emptiness remains
It replaces all, all the pain
Won't you come out and play with me

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers

Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers

We never win

Only emptiness remains
It replaces all, all the pain
Won't you come out and play with me

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers

Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers

Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers 

Today's experience and fantasy story 2

July 8, 2012

I just copped on my own for the first time today! I felt sick as shit since last night, I ran out of H the other morning so around 11am I drove up to hoping Dre was home but he wasn't so I was on my own. I knew I was not going back all the way home empty handed so I had to figure something out. Rob didn't care to go with me and so I did the only thing I could think of-buy it on my own. I drove past this white girl around my age a couple of times. This was near Dre's neighborhood. She was nodding out and really looked like a dope addict so after finally getting the guts, I parked in a parking lot on the main road and walked over to her. I felt so out of place. I went up to her and asked," do you know where I can find anything..." she knew what I meant, of course. So she got in my car and we drove down the street a couple of blocks. She was just as nervous as me because she kept thinking I was a cop. I was thinking she'd fuck me over or I'd get arrested. I parked somewhere, gave her my cash and watched as she walked across the street to a couple of black guys and bought it. Things went fine but I swear that is the first and last time I'll ever do that again. I was desperate, sick as shit and wasn't driving all that way without anything. I was pissed I couldn't reach Dre. What else could I do? That was another "never" that went out the window. That's how sick I felt and that's how evil this stuff ends up. Another never was driving into a bad area to buy some but that went out the window a few months ago when Rob had me drive to a seriously shit area to buy some. Thank God that went well too but you know, seriously, I never want to risk that again. That's too damn scary. I'd seriously rather OD than get arrested for this shit. Hopefully I get in touch with Dre soon. I want to quit. I've made that decision final after what happened today. I just can't keep falling. The lying, stealing, spending money, driving an hour to get it, not even feeling the euphoria anymore and just doing it to not withdrawal-all of it is simply not worth it anymore. I want out. I think I needed something like today to happen to me up front to really want out. I just feel safer when I get it with Dre or Rob but I know that something could happen even then, but it's unlikely because I'm parked somewhere else and never actually around the buying. I honestly felt awful having to do that today. God, angels, whomever saves me and keeps me safe in this mess is seriously getting thanked by me that nothing happened today. I ended up getting raw and it was strong. It helped cure my illness so that's all I care about. 

A few hours ago I called my high school friend to buy some Xanax  tomorrow. She sells that in another county, but closer than where I have to go. I promise 10x I'll forever quit H if I can get suboxone to cure my withdrawal and get on Xanax or something. 

I think it's time for another Sean-related fantasy story. The first story I posted on here got the most views. Go figure. So, here we go......This story is not related to the other one.

---

Chapter 1-

It's 9AM on a Sunday. I wake up and turn to Sean, who is still fast asleep. I watch him as he breaths calmly and peacefully. He looks so innocent and sweet. I'm glad we made up from our fight before falling sleep last night. It's never good to go to sleep angry. That's the one thing we've been good at; we have great open communication and Sean is so good with talking things over and being patient with me, even when I'm a bitch to him. Honestly, I fear Sean's slipping back into his addiction and I'm so scared. He hasn't touched anything in a couple of years but I can just sense something's different with him. 

Sean must have sensed I was looking him over because he was starting to wake up. I began rubbing his chest and kissed him gently on his lips. He caressed my check and kissed me back. " I love you," I whispered. I rested my head on his chest. "Good morning, I love you too," Sean said back as he held and caressed my arms, shoulders and upper  back. We laid there in each others arms for a few minutes before going into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. It was just starting to drizzle outside. I took a seat on the bench at the island table as I stirred the milk and sugar into my coffee. Out of the corner of my eye I watched Sean pour himself a cup of coffee and look at his cell phone. 

"Are you doing any recording today?" I asked.-----

[HOLD ON- Dre just called me finally! He WAS home when I was knocking on his door this morning. Geez!!! I went through that copping situation for NOTHING! He just didn't hear my knocking because he's a heavy sleeper. Lord.....He wasn't too happy when I told him I went on my own to buy something. He was glad nothing happened to me. He said he hadn't heard from me in a couple of days and his phone wasn't working, as always, so he just got to call me just now. I told him I want to kick this shit for good and get subs. He said he'd be home tomorrow morning so I'm hiking back up there again tomorrow morning and getting the subs and getting off of this demon shit devil aka heroin for good. I'm not even sure I want to get the Xanax from my friend but I'll see.Back to my story...]

Sean turned to me, "No, I don't think we're getting together for that. Actually, I was thinking, we could go to my sister's today. She just texted me to invited us over this afternoon. Do you feel up to it?" 

"Yeah, that's fine. Hopefully this drizzle won't get worst," I replied as I sipped my coffee steadily.

"You still aren't used to this weather, are you?" Sean said with a smile.

"I knew what to expect when I moved here to be with you. I mean, it's Seattle. I prefer this to the heat I had back home actually. I'm not complaining," I explained, "I just wish that it didn't rain ever time I decide to straighten my hair."

"Honestly, I want to get back in bed and try to get a few more hours of sleep before we leave," Sean said."

"Fine with me," I replied as I hopped off the stool and followed Sean back upstairs and into our bedroom.

We slept for the rest of the morning and woke up again around 11. We made love and then got into the shower to continue. I wrapped my legs around his waist as he entered me slowly. He pushed me against the wall and we kissed hard and passionately. We have a large stand up shower stall and there's a place to sit on one end so Sean sat down as I straddled him and guided him into me again. I rode him as he held down my hips with one hand and grabbed my breasts with his other hand. I looked back and our lips touched. I moaned in his mouth in ecstasy as I began cumming. Then I turned around and continued riding him but facing him. All the sudden he held me down harder and begin cumming. He wasn't wearing a condom so I knew I'd end up pregnant again but I honestly didn't care. We finished and held each others sweaty and aroused bodies closely, kissing gently. We got out and got dressed a few minutes later.

Around 2:15 pm the rain let up so we decided to head over to his sister's house on Sean's custom built motorcycle. Her son had just graduated high school so it ended up being a little party celebration for him. We felt guilty that we didn't bring anything. 

We were all sitting around the kitchen when I noticed Sean get up from the couch and go to the bathroom. He seemed to be in a hurry. I didn't want to question him with his family around but I just felt something wasn't right about him. 

Ok story done for now...until next time ;)

And it begins, again...

July 8, 2012

Did my last bit of heroin this morning before I went to my sister's house. I'm already starting to feel the withdrawals. This is the part I hate the most about this whole thing. The withdrawals get worst every time. I hate running out. I absolutely hate it but then again I also hate this whole mess in general. I wish I knew how free it felt to not be trapped in this. I'm tired of wasting my money, making the trip to get it, etc. I've been tired of it for a long time. Yet, I find the door to get out. I'm trapped. 

It starts with the runny nose and sneezing and ends with the chills, sweats, muscle pain, etc. I've said this before and I'll say it again: I didn't know what addiction truly was until I tried this. I didn't know what a problem really was before this. 

I saw the movie Rent earlier today. Didn't know it had that much to do with heroin but it's about AIDS but still it had a good amount of heroin use in it. I never saw the musical. The only musical I did see was The Lion King in NY back in 1999 with my acting group in high school.

This, during withdrawals, is when I absolutely hate the drug the most. I mean, I tried to kill myself several months it was so bad. I figured the only way to get out of this was to die. That's how bad it is. That's how crazy I've started to think. That is how crazy and desperate this crap has made me. It's so simple to erase the dealer's numbers from my phone, make the decision to stop getting it-just get through the withdrawal and quit for good but at the same time all of that is the hardest thing to go through. I still wake up every day and cannot believe I even do heroin. Sure I was obsessed for years but really, to actually really do it......I still can't believe it. There is a big denial and I know that is what's making all of this difficult. I swear I get so angry with myself for being in this. I feel I have fallen prey to this like the other addicts. I have become a slave to this demon drug like so many others. I'm going against my own self. I do not want to go tomorrow and get more. I don't want to spend/waste that money. I don't want to waste that gas. I don't! I don't! But I do it again anyway. I cave in anyway.....

Top Movies To Watch about addiction

July 6, 2012

When I saw Requiem For A Dream, I quit everything for a week. I wasn't doing H at the time, just pills and drinking but by that time, things were bad. I really want to see the movie Trainspotting all the way through. I only saw a few minutes of it but I ended up switching the channel-this was years ago- so it didn't catch my interest then. There are some well made movies and then there are some shitty movies. It's a crap shoot really. Check out this site-

 http://unrealitymag.com/index.php/2009/02/16/10-awesome-movies-about-drug-addiction/

Ron Paul wants to legalize heroin and prositution. Surprsingly, I say "no"

July 5, 2012
There is something so unique about this drug, heroin. It's one of the most powerful, highly addictive, and one of the hardest things to quit. It's put on such a pedestal and glamorized. Once the drug of choice for rock stars is now the drug of choice for teens and young adults. Seriously. I've read countless news stories and documentaries from 2000 to now about high school students or those in their 20's trying it out of the  blue. What's even more surprising is that some of our government officials think this drug should be legal. Yes, legal.Ron Paul thinks so. He wants to legalize both heroin and prostitution. His outlook is that why try to stop someone from hurting themselves? He thinks that it should be legalized because obviously people are doing it anyway and having it illegal isn't stopping anyone and the people buying it and selling it aren't hurting others, just themselves-which I don't entirely agree with-and so why should the government get involved. This is why I hate when people that don't know the first thing about addiction open their mouths. Ron, you are wrong; addicts aren't just hurting themselves. They are hurting their friends, family and others with their lies, stealing, etc. The addict isn't the only one involved. If heroin or any drug becomes legal, it won't all of the sudden create some crazy issue-people are doing it regardless of legal standpoint so nothing will change. People that haven't tried it before aren't going to start now just because it's legal. Actually, I don't think one thing would change, except for less arrests, if it's legalized. But it's not just about making something legal. It's about getting the full picture of something that has clearly gotten worst. That isn't even the issue. The issue is that people need to be better informed and educated about addiction and the drug itself. Instead of arresting people, why not help them?There's an idea! As for prostitution, clearly people are ignoring the legality of this as well and doing it anyway, so I don't think one thing would change if it became legal, but I think that also has to do with a bigger picture than just hurting yourself. You aren't just hurting yourself. You are furthering the spread of STD's, for men that are married and doing this, you are making it look like their actions are perfectly fine when they aren't. To legalize things that are immoral and unhealthy is to "okay" it.