I just get so haunted by my past........

memories, thoughts, songs, anything sometimes takes me back to how it used it be when I used to use heroin.......God how sad......anyway..... I guess you never really get over it...and you know, I really think like how appropriate, I end up with a guy that has a somewhat alcoholic family--his dad used to drink a lot but stopped, and my bf thankfully seems able to handle drinking, especially now-but like to think like, at some point in the future, who knows what could happen but .......of course I always think it'll be okay for me, whatever.........anyway the point is that I guess I will always be haunted or miss how I used to drink, or still occasionally drink to......escape or remember... or how I used to do other things and somehow...well, I do still miss them..........

Negative Comments...why? True Idiots!

I JUST got around to reading some of the negative comments that I have  been getting in the years that I started this blog.....why is that? What is with your negative BS? You think it's silly to have this blog?Really?? Look at where I have ended up! Seriously! What morons you are. How many other people out there besides me have made blogs, BOOKS- about their addictions and have gotten praise for it-for  getting clean?! Come on people.........

New Post on That Guy's On Heroin!

I love this site hahaha so many memories..........
http://thatguysonheroin.com/

Before Heroin---I would play this song every day......

http://youtu.be/SAe3sCIakXo
Counting Crows, Around Here- I remember I would play this song while driving to and from school back in 2010----it's so interesting how powerful and strong music is....how many memories you get from music......songs.......

I Remember...

I remember hating heroin toward the end. I remember how I felt about doing the drug just a few weeks-days before my mom caught me. I remember the day my mom found my needles and drug like it was yesterday. I remember going to rehab at PRC here in Pasadena like it was last week. It's so incredible how fast time flies. Here I am sober off heroin for more than a year, yet still homesick, and sometimes missing it.......
I remember the crap I had to go through just to get the drug. I remember the hour long drive I took to get to their place to get the drug....I remember the very end......how devastatingly sick it was. How depressing it became. How desperate.......DESPERATE.

I have lived in California for over year now. I can't ever say I am not happy or grateful. I guess I just get confused.......I guess that it just the addict in me-sometimes I would rather just be where I used to be, doing my drug, whatever because that is more comfortable still. That is still the power that stuff has on me. Maybe that is why I don't care to really return home...I just get annoyed sometimes-because I never thought I wouldn't end up returning home. I didn't know what to think then. Shit it really is somewhat obvious that I still have a alcohol issue-which means I still have a heroin issue-obviously........well the alcohol issue is only obvious to my boyfriend anyway.......

I really Miss My Past

Is it wrong to say that I miss using? is it wrong or weird ot say that I miss being home with my old job, shit people around me, but "happy" using heroin? It really still has a hold on me and sometimes I think that the feeling and the memory really is still the same, whether I am drinking or sober? Even alcohol, I can't drink it the same way.....even though I think I try to.....I am totally different now-from the music I listen to-okay well not really- but ..I feel differnent........I am but only in the sense of like- ok-maybe I am not differnet at all.......am I being fake just to-fit in? When I know that deep down, if given the "perfect situation"-I would go back to heroin again? Yes. I have no guilt in even admitting that. Heroin is such an amazing feeling-you people don't even know....it's just dreaming now. It's just some shit dream to keep me "happy", reminiscing of a time that was, well, crap-desperate.

Only When I'm Drunk.......

I moved to California in August of 2013. Then, I had no idea whatsoever that I would end up staying here in California. It's now January of 2014.....wow! Seriously, wow! I mean, look...I came from the east coast from a really bad situation. I was doing heroin, running out of money, getting desperate, selling my jewelry, musical instruments, and my safety.......for what? For a drug.....a drug that gave myself, and so many others a safe feelings of security and happiness. My Lord, when I really think about the shit I used to do before I moved to California.......I can't even go there......expect when I drink............>>>>..
It is now January of 2014...I am not "sober" from alcohol-well, I guess I am when you consider I used to really drink-but I am totally sober from heroin-and deep, deep down I am proud that I no longer do that shit.......eventhough I miss using, only when I am drunk. I just miss the high it used to give. I don't miss the shit lifestyle, the lies, the crap people, losers, lies, situations, locations, etc.......I don't miss that AT ALL-but I do miss the feelings---and sometimes I miss the feeling heroin used to give me so much as to where I start to think up reasons to ask my co workers and new friends if they know anyone that has pills or does more than weed......but that never lasts long. I just miss it enough only when I'm really buzzed/drunk-which is rare. I don't even drink that much. I can't even really remember the last time I got drunk. Each time I do happen to get drunk, I wonder how I even managed that much alcohol back then.....my tolerance for alcohol has lessened, changed.....I can't even imagine how I used to drink.....whoohoo

Anyway........oh well......I have long lost the contact with the people I used to get it from or even communicate with. When I think about how it would be to return back to my home, my parent's home on the east coast, I can only think of one person that I THINK would still have something- ie pills- but that's it.....if anything. so What the point? oh Lord.......one part of me is so glad that heroin and that entire drug lifestyle is long gone but another half of me still mourns it.......