I just get so haunted by my past........

memories, thoughts, songs, anything sometimes takes me back to how it used it be when I used to use heroin.......God how sad......anyway..... I guess you never really get over it...and you know, I really think like how appropriate, I end up with a guy that has a somewhat alcoholic family--his dad used to drink a lot but stopped, and my bf thankfully seems able to handle drinking, especially now-but like to think like, at some point in the future, who knows what could happen but .......of course I always think it'll be okay for me, whatever.........anyway the point is that I guess I will always be haunted or miss how I used to drink, or still occasionally drink to......escape or remember... or how I used to do other things and somehow...well, I do still miss them..........

Negative Comments...why? True Idiots!

I JUST got around to reading some of the negative comments that I have  been getting in the years that I started this blog.....why is that? What is with your negative BS? You think it's silly to have this blog?Really?? Look at where I have ended up! Seriously! What morons you are. How many other people out there besides me have made blogs, BOOKS- about their addictions and have gotten praise for it-for  getting clean?! Come on people.........

New Post on That Guy's On Heroin!

I love this site hahaha so many memories..........
http://thatguysonheroin.com/

Before Heroin---I would play this song every day......

http://youtu.be/SAe3sCIakXo
Counting Crows, Around Here- I remember I would play this song while driving to and from school back in 2010----it's so interesting how powerful and strong music is....how many memories you get from music......songs.......

I Remember...

I remember hating heroin toward the end. I remember how I felt about doing the drug just a few weeks-days before my mom caught me. I remember the day my mom found my needles and drug like it was yesterday. I remember going to rehab at PRC here in Pasadena like it was last week. It's so incredible how fast time flies. Here I am sober off heroin for more than a year, yet still homesick, and sometimes missing it.......
I remember the crap I had to go through just to get the drug. I remember the hour long drive I took to get to their place to get the drug....I remember the very end......how devastatingly sick it was. How depressing it became. How desperate.......DESPERATE.

I have lived in California for over year now. I can't ever say I am not happy or grateful. I guess I just get confused.......I guess that it just the addict in me-sometimes I would rather just be where I used to be, doing my drug, whatever because that is more comfortable still. That is still the power that stuff has on me. Maybe that is why I don't care to really return home...I just get annoyed sometimes-because I never thought I wouldn't end up returning home. I didn't know what to think then. Shit it really is somewhat obvious that I still have a alcohol issue-which means I still have a heroin issue-obviously........well the alcohol issue is only obvious to my boyfriend anyway.......

I really Miss My Past

Is it wrong to say that I miss using? is it wrong or weird ot say that I miss being home with my old job, shit people around me, but "happy" using heroin? It really still has a hold on me and sometimes I think that the feeling and the memory really is still the same, whether I am drinking or sober? Even alcohol, I can't drink it the same way.....even though I think I try to.....I am totally different now-from the music I listen to-okay well not really- but ..I feel differnent........I am but only in the sense of like- ok-maybe I am not differnet at all.......am I being fake just to-fit in? When I know that deep down, if given the "perfect situation"-I would go back to heroin again? Yes. I have no guilt in even admitting that. Heroin is such an amazing feeling-you people don't even know....it's just dreaming now. It's just some shit dream to keep me "happy", reminiscing of a time that was, well, crap-desperate.

Only When I'm Drunk.......

I moved to California in August of 2013. Then, I had no idea whatsoever that I would end up staying here in California. It's now January of 2014.....wow! Seriously, wow! I mean, look...I came from the east coast from a really bad situation. I was doing heroin, running out of money, getting desperate, selling my jewelry, musical instruments, and my safety.......for what? For a drug.....a drug that gave myself, and so many others a safe feelings of security and happiness. My Lord, when I really think about the shit I used to do before I moved to California.......I can't even go there......expect when I drink............>>>>..
It is now January of 2014...I am not "sober" from alcohol-well, I guess I am when you consider I used to really drink-but I am totally sober from heroin-and deep, deep down I am proud that I no longer do that shit.......eventhough I miss using, only when I am drunk. I just miss the high it used to give. I don't miss the shit lifestyle, the lies, the crap people, losers, lies, situations, locations, etc.......I don't miss that AT ALL-but I do miss the feelings---and sometimes I miss the feeling heroin used to give me so much as to where I start to think up reasons to ask my co workers and new friends if they know anyone that has pills or does more than weed......but that never lasts long. I just miss it enough only when I'm really buzzed/drunk-which is rare. I don't even drink that much. I can't even really remember the last time I got drunk. Each time I do happen to get drunk, I wonder how I even managed that much alcohol back then.....my tolerance for alcohol has lessened, changed.....I can't even imagine how I used to drink.....whoohoo

Anyway........oh well......I have long lost the contact with the people I used to get it from or even communicate with. When I think about how it would be to return back to my home, my parent's home on the east coast, I can only think of one person that I THINK would still have something- ie pills- but that's it.....if anything. so What the point? oh Lord.......one part of me is so glad that heroin and that entire drug lifestyle is long gone but another half of me still mourns it.......

Thank You!

I haven't checked up on my blog here in several months and so many things have happened! I am so surprised and so happy that my blog has over 10,000 views currently! You know, I started this blog when I was in my addiction, back on the east coast and I continued it when I moved to the west coast and here I am now.....it has been about 4 months since I posted anything on this blog. Well, here I am.....I am still around, still alive-and I still want people to know I am here! I don't want anyone to think I just vanished and that I don't care, because I do care- I am the same person, and the issue is that I know that people that are just reading my blog now, have NO IDEA what kind of person I was, who I was, who I am, and where  I really came from.........but oh well.........

Its been such a long, long time

My last real post was back in April. That was a long time ago. 5 months ago to be exact. So many things have been going on since then, as you can imagine. Let's start with the most obvious. I'm back to using again. No surprise there right? Well maybe I shouldn't say it like that but hey, what else can I say? Part of the reason I abandoned this blog was simply for 2 reasons-using once again became my obsession and 2 I forgot my password- funny yes! So now that I logged back in here again, I figured it was only fair that I start posting my whereabouts.
Yes, I am in Baltimore still. I can't say my exact location but I am on Baltimore Street. Somehow I feel safer living in a tourist area, even if there are only strip clubs and bars around, but I just...am used to those surroundings unfortunately.
As for Rob, he is still in the game too. I think he quit for a little while but started up again. I even started hanging around Darrell again. It's difficult to ignore the crowd if all you want to do is be around that stuff.

Somehow I don't feel like I'm as bad as I was....if that makes any sense. I guess I just feel better having opened up this blog again. I feel like I finally have a place to share my feelings and what's been going on with me again.

Other Blogs that 'That Guy's On Heroin' Recommends

Recommended Reading

These blogs get the “That Guy’s On Heroin” seal of approval. I’m sure after a lot of deep thought and soul searching they can find out where they went wrong…
Baltimore:
Charm City Vacancy
Fells Point HonThe City that Breeds
Funny:
Least Helpful
What Does Lindsay Lohan Do All Day

New from That Guy's On Heroin!

Location: Hampden and 29th St., Baltimore, MD
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: Sure, Baltimore’s nursing homes aren’t as cushy as those in “functional” cities in America, but our seniors are too fuckin’ hardcore for bingo and Jello cups.
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Location: Pacific Beach, San Diego, California
Rating: 3.1/5
Description: This comes all the way from the west coast where my readers tell the heroin isn’t worth a damn. After learning about their plight I automatically give all west coast submissions a few extra points because getting blasted on weak-junk takes extra dedication. In Baltimore I can slip in Leakin park and be smacked up for days on all the loose syringes, but in the west coast I guess it would like trying to smashed off near-beer.
Well, this guy did it… and after all that work he didn’t get the recognition I feel he deserved. The submitter sent the following caption explaining the hard times of our try-hard friend:
He is legit passed out on a railing…he was also arrested an hour later. damn heroin..
Fucking southern California, what’s wrong with doping yourself to near extinction and taking a power nap across a handrail on a beautiful day? I bet he wasn’t arrested by the cops but by the home owners association for lowering their property value.
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Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 3.9/5
Description: This gem came with the following awesome caption:
Was juuuust about to drive home but decided to have a snack first.
Took off some points for the lean against the car, but gave some back for doing it like a pimp. This lean is hardcore, most other cities would do serious snoozing like this horizontal, but Baltimore don’t roll like that and this guy is showcasing our talent nicely.

Two Steps forward, three steps back

So as of last week I quit using heroin. So I guess you could say that I'm about 7 or so days sober. I'm glad about it, it was my choice. It was a choice I pondered over for the last month honestly. There aren't really any pros to staying on it, and I knew I had to get out of the lifestyle and out of the environment for good...only issue is that Rob is not interested in quitting for himself. I should know this by now-that you cannot make another addict quit if they don't want to on their own. Obviously I know this because my family and friends have been wanting me to quit for a long time and the choice had to be mine in the end. I don't know if or when I'll go back. All I know is that I'm happy quitting today. I brought the idea to Rob of quitting and I'm not gonna force anything. He knows his life isn't going anywhere...and he knows the consequences and issues related so I can't do anything about it.
I've been looking back at all I've been through, the places I've been, what's been going on.....it's just not a pretty sight. It's super easy to go back..and I know that Rob won't mind giving me a couple-but not entirely for free. With him, I always have to pay in one way, shape, or form-sex, money, stealing, etc...whatever it is, if he gives me one, I have to do something in return. Just like if I get him to buy it for me, he gets one for free just for going out and getting it...that's the rules of the street, plain and simple. Why do I  bother staying with him anyway? Oh, I don't even want to get into that one-well, look, with quitting, if I really stay out of this for good, I have to leave Baltimore, which I really don't want to do. I guess everything will be figured out in the end.
Tons of issues are going on with Darrel and the girls he's around. Things are happening with Rob and the messes he is getting himself into. I don't need or want to be a part of that.

Addict Drama

So Rob is pissed at one of his friends, that guy Jeff. Turns out that Jeff bought $500.00 worth of crack from Darrell and shacked up for 2 days with this stripper Tanya, Darrel's "fuck buddy"-Jeff was with this Tanya woman, locked up in a motel for these two days with the $500.00 worth of crack-and then the kicker and the reason that Darrell is mad at Jeff is because Jeff blamed Darrell, trying to make it look like Darrell was forcing him to buy that much crack.....bullshit! That was Jeff's choice to blow all that money on crack and go be with that woman-if anything, Darrell was trying to stop Jeff from buying that much crack at once! So, Jeff's an idiot...and Rob's pissed...so am I!

Going Well

Nothing new to report. I just got back from near N Baltimore with Rob for our usual pick up. We have a new routine with this new dealer now. We met this new guy, Dave, at one of the club on The Block, as people around here know the area as. We have this new system now. Dave works as a door man for on of the strip clubs but he lives north, and sells out of his house. We go up there, if he isn't working, and he already has something ready. He never seems to come up short. Rob knew him a while back when he used to be a doorman for one of the clubs. So, it's a lot easier than waiting around in parking lots, calling whomever seems ready and available. Saves a couple of hours honestly.

My blog causes my arrest!

I was with Rob up in our usual buying spot this weekend and guess what happens? This guys comes up to me and asks if I am the one that writes the Scarlett blog-uh yea......oops..pop! The cops come zooming around the corner coming from the Johns Hopkins area. so, yea, I was pretty pissed off needless to say. The cops took me to the station, Rob ended up running the other way that idiot......The cops questioned me and my blog here-shit, what was I gonna say? It's fiction...well, it's not. It's the old me, no I'm still doing it, clearly. It's some other girl, um, I just admitted that this is my blog to an undercover cop......shit, I'm caught. So yea, that was my weekend kiddies. They let me out a few hours later since I didn't have any heroin on me, thankfully!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!!!!! hahahaha

Happenings

I came across a guy the other day up near Loyola University named Chester who was in desperate need of a fix and didn't have much money. This was when me and Rob were looking for a new connect in that area. What I did for that guy seemed so out of character for me, the selfish addict, I gave him 10 bucks to help him out a little. He told me he sleeps on the park benches between York Road and sometimes near the Inner Harbor, doesn't have anywhere to live, spends every last penny on heroin, and finds left over food in trash cans behind restaurants and places. That's how this guy has been living for 10 years, so I felt the need to do a good deed for this guy- I guess because I never think I'd end up that way- and I wouldn't because I always have people to take care of me, always have some place to go. Of course Rob didn't care to help him out, but that's understandable since Rob's struggling, but not that badly.
After I gave the guy the money, he gave us the number of the guy he buys from in the North Baltimore areas.
We had to find a new connect for that area because Darrell is no longer looking too promising ever since we got mad at him for allowing some street walkers to take over Dre's place, for free mind you-and it didn't sit well with us. Anyway, so, after me and Rob parted ways with Chester, we took the bus back down to the Inner Harbor to check out the action around there. I remember Dre would ride his bike around and sell around the Inner Harbor area.  I really miss him.

So today we are taking it easy. We are almost finished with the $180 amount of heroin we bought off of Chester's dealer, Marco. [$180; $60 for me, $60 for Rob]. It's been getting harder to get to and from places to buy something since it's still so cold here, and it's snowy. But I'm sure you all know that the weather doesn't stop us. ;)

north avenue, rutland ave- new area

so this is the new area that Rob was telling me about, North Avenue and Rutland Ave. This is the only are at this point where there is anything good around. It's dwindling and it sucks!

'Get Up Here Quick'

Okay, so I just got a text from a friend...it read 'Get up here quick!' ..Here as in his place I'm guessing. I asked, 'Why, what's going on?' Could it be he is so excited to share some of his new heroin? Or could it be the police grilling this guy to give up names or else he gets longer time in jail? You just never know.

The one thing I have learned when communicating with other addicts and dealers is that you always have to watch your back, protect yourself, and always, always question everyone and everything. You never know when someone is trying to set you up. That's just the truth and everyone knows it. So I"m just sitting here waiting for his reply. See, the adventures never end in this type of lifestyle.

Why do I promote That Guy's On Heroin?

I know a lot of you have seen my posts re-posting blog entries from the site 'That Guy's On Heroin'. I do it for fun, pure entertainment. Plus I get a chance to see the area I live in-hey why not! And it's in relating to the topic of my blog here, right?
Shout Out to the creator of 'That Guy's On Heroin'- why don't you promote mind, or at least mention it?
xxxxx
Anyway, so, for today, here is the latest post from the blog that I enjoy frequenting, 'That Guy's On Heroin'!

Location: Baltimore, MD
Rating: 2.7/5
Description: I posted this one today in response to the “White in Philly” article which describes racial tensions in the city of brotherly love. Apparently, Philly is losing a majority white population for the first time, and to celebrate the event Philadelphia Magazine decided to reiterate that absolutely ever race in Philly despises the other, and just in case that wasn’t clear enough, got quotes from people living in Philly to put that on the record.
I’m really happy for Philly for finally putting into words the reason I find Baltimore a much more enjoyable place to live. Sure we may be 104% poor, minority, uneducated, drug fiends, but at least we’re not stupid enough to get quoted by a local magazine about how we hate people of different races or creed.
Sure, we all hate morons who steal stuff, play with guns, sell drugs (except to our submissions!), etc, etc. Except in Baltimore we hate the person, not the race. I really hope this blog has taught you that it’s not one particular race which is littering the city with unsightly (but strangely awesome) heroin zombies, but rather a racially unifying desire to chase that blast to whatever bus stop or needle filled alley it may bring you.
This picture of an elderly man patiently waiting for the bus next to a passed out junkie shows that even though they may be worlds apart in both race and blood toxicity level, people in Baltimore are willing to come together and generally get along despite our differences on the outside.

• Mar 19  
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Rob Out of Jail, Dre's House Taken Over

So let me tell you all whats been going on....First, Rob got out of jail yesterday so that's good. Now he's back living with me and actually-he's currently using as I type this to you all. Well, so we found out whats been going on at Dre's house. Before he died he was living about 30 minutes north of Johns Hopkins, near North Avenue. Anyway, so when Rob was in jail, he got word in there by someone that used to know Dre that some hookers are renting Dre's place now. So that's interesting- but that's not all. Turns out that when 3 or so girls that worked the Block for a while, you know, where all those strip clubs are,  they found an ad that was run by Darrell that Dre's house is for rent and off they went to check out the place. Sure, I guess those girls have every right to do that, but I don't want to get involved in that crap every time me and Rob go over to Darrell's house.
Darrell lives in the basement of Dre's house and so we would have to see those girls every time me an Rob want to get something from Darrell. I just don't like that. That's where the real trouble is- those girls, all of those girls that well, they aren't working on the Block anymore-so I can't even say they work for a company, not that those places follow the rules-I'm saying that they work strictly on the street, between North Avenue and off of York Rd, near that Mc Donald's.And from what you all have been reading in my past posts, you know that I frequent those areas when I'm looking for something. Just not the kind of people I want to be around. I'm really not trying to get back into that line of work.