Just got back home from Dre's. I've been sharing this little place with a girl that was homeless for a little bit. She works as a dancer and her pimp let her stay with him and let me stay too if I provide him with some dope. Easy enough. He gave me my first hit of crack today. I also bought 2 pills of dope. I have to say that crack feels like coke to me. I tried coke over a year ago-and I honestly don't care for either. Naturally having anxiety and all that shit, I don't like anything that makes me hyper and all that like those 2 do, so I still prefer H forever. I just wanted to try crack, for general curiosity, but I don't care for it. He let me have a small amount of what was left of the crack to take home but I don't even have a stem or anything so I have to ask Rob if he has anything. After that, I'm over it. More expensive too.......eh
Anyway so but I mean, not to say I didn't love it, for the first 2 minutes....felt like a roller coaster great orgasmic high-yea but then came the tears, anxiety, panic, etc......
Monday, August 6, 2012
Friday, August 3, 2012
Flowing like water, out of my hands
I am already finished with this 1 pill I got today. Well that's not surprising. It's gone even faster because today's stuff was damn good. I really, really want to save a good amount that I can clearly feel for tomorrow when I go into the club. That means I HAVE to save it for tonight and I cannot give in and finish it tonight. I've been stealing change from Rob. It truly is a hassle to live as a junkie/addict but I would rather live this interestingly complicated, lonely, desperate life of an addict than a routine, boring, clean life. No, I didn't mean that. But I have to say, I do find the seedy world interesting. I came here for a reason. I stayed on the streets here for a reason. I always have. I know that's why I do heroin-at a very young age, around 14, I started to become obsessed and curious about heroin and strip clubs. I saw it as glamorized, rock star, etc- extremely still huh?Even more so, it's sad because I was curios about that crap at a very young age. I truly never had a youth I think. I think my youth was stolen from me early. That's why I don't know how else to cope without drugs/alcohol [The ibuprofen pm I stole is kicking in now. I recognize the sleeping pill feeling like the back of my hand. I used to have a several year history of abusing those as well, including an OD. It's strangely comforting, but my addiction in general is comforting.] How can wanting to do the right thing [get out] feel so bad and like the wrong choice? Why does wanting better for myself feel bad? Why is addiction so damn easy and so damn hard to get out of? Why is the choice of not getting high and staying clean seem so simple and so hard? I'm sure a lot of this is self sabotage too.....
New York Junkie
Just got a call from a dealer that my friend Angie knows. I met him before. He's from NY originally but he comes over here to see what kind of business he can get. He agreed to meet me next week and have me try some new stuff-China White. I heard about it only because of Nikki Sixx- that's the kind he mentioned in his book. Surprisingly I never read the book. Only parts of it in a book store. I say it's surprising because 1. Motley Crue is my favorite band and they are what got me into rock and music in general in the first place and I always saw Nikki as a musical idol. The thing with rock star's and their autobiographies is you never really know what's real and what isn't, so I am selective to actually buy Nikki's. Nikki Sixx book, Amazon.com
I guess that's the same for anyone, right? You never know what's real and what isn't.
Anyway so honestly I'd rather mess with this NY guy that Angie knows than go to where I go because it's faster and closer and.....don't know why but I'd say it's also probably safer. Well no, that's not true. I never felt -well maybe not never, but often I didn't feel nervous while getting stuff with Dre. I surely was nervous, somewhat, with Darrell. I never, ever copped with Darrell before. I don't know anything about him-other than he's a runner/dealer like Dre and he sometimes works as a door man/guard at some of the strip clubs I applied to.
He seems fine, nice, to me. But I know the rules of the street-never trust anyone in this game, no one. In a flash they could easier turn on you. They might even turn me in if they ever get popped, you know? But honestly, naively, I don't think that would ever happen. Perhaps I really should because I now realize how Dre protects himself. He even refuses to let me know his last name. Of course not. He's freaked I might turn him in. I was taking pictures of myself in his bathroom with my camera a few weeks ago and as soon as I left his house that day, he called Rob up right away and starting getting really paranoid thinking I was trying to get him arrested or trapped-I know I'd never do that ... and he knows I wouldn't but my behavior surely showed otherwise.
I guess that's the same for anyone, right? You never know what's real and what isn't.
Anyway so honestly I'd rather mess with this NY guy that Angie knows than go to where I go because it's faster and closer and.....don't know why but I'd say it's also probably safer. Well no, that's not true. I never felt -well maybe not never, but often I didn't feel nervous while getting stuff with Dre. I surely was nervous, somewhat, with Darrell. I never, ever copped with Darrell before. I don't know anything about him-other than he's a runner/dealer like Dre and he sometimes works as a door man/guard at some of the strip clubs I applied to.
He seems fine, nice, to me. But I know the rules of the street-never trust anyone in this game, no one. In a flash they could easier turn on you. They might even turn me in if they ever get popped, you know? But honestly, naively, I don't think that would ever happen. Perhaps I really should because I now realize how Dre protects himself. He even refuses to let me know his last name. Of course not. He's freaked I might turn him in. I was taking pictures of myself in his bathroom with my camera a few weeks ago and as soon as I left his house that day, he called Rob up right away and starting getting really paranoid thinking I was trying to get him arrested or trapped-I know I'd never do that ... and he knows I wouldn't but my behavior surely showed otherwise.
"Needle And The Damage Done"
I caught you knockin'
at my cellar door
I love you, baby,
can I have some more
Ooh, ooh, the damage done.
I hit the city and
I lost my band
I watched the needle
take another man
Gone, gone, the damage done.
I sing the song
because I love the man
I know that some
of you don't understand
Milk-blood
to keep from running out.
I've seen the needle
and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie's
like a settin' sun.
- Neil Young
at my cellar door
I love you, baby,
can I have some more
Ooh, ooh, the damage done.
I hit the city and
I lost my band
I watched the needle
take another man
Gone, gone, the damage done.
I sing the song
because I love the man
I know that some
of you don't understand
Milk-blood
to keep from running out.
I've seen the needle
and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie's
like a settin' sun.
- Neil Young
Loveless relationships and the ignorance of the non addict
Actually I'm glad that I activated my blog here again. I knew I had
to continue to get my thoughts and experiences out since apparently I
have no plans of quitting H-as badly as I want to.
About 20 minutes ago I sat there truly trying to open my heart and mind up. I forced myself to truly sit and think about why I hurt myself this way in this heroin addiction. Why do I use? Why am I sad? Well, turns out it's a lot of abandonment issues, stress, anxiety, etc. I so badly want a boyfriend-a honest, supportive, loving healthy relationship-but where do I get that? Every single guy I've been with has treated my badly. Not surprisingly, since I always felt lonely, I stayed with them-and then I wondered why they treated me like crap. In each relationship, I rushed, lost my sense of self, etc-so of course they'd all end the same-being dumped and used.
It wasn't truly until my last boyfriend which I dumped a year and a month ago. I was used in that and taken advantage of so badly it was sick. He'd ask me for money, have me pay for everything, never cared to visit me, didn't have a car, relied on my for everything-and yet he had a better paying career than I had. Seriously I finally got so fucking fed up that I said "fuck you, good bye you loser!" I never felt better after I left is his loser ass. Where'd I meet him? In the rehab I went to. yeah, bad choice-but so I mean-another situation of me ignoring the red flags early in the relationship and wanting to stay with him so I would at least have someone. Hell no, I am not like that anymore. I'd rather have no one than some idiot loser. But the thing of it is is that since I was in middle school I was so obsessed-rather worried-that I'd never find someone to be with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring a partner, companion-someone to support your goals and dreams, and be there for you, a good honest, healthy relationship-but it's wrong and no healthy when you lose yourself and only hang around them and let them be your entire life. That's what I was doing with every single boyfriend. And chances are if they allow this behavior, then they aren't good guys to begin with. You can generally tell someone's intentions early on and if you see red flags-figure out what's going on and if you aren't happy-evaluate the situation and leave. Now, I feel so scared to enter another relationship. I can't even fathom even having sex-not because H kills your sex drive, not about H at all-but about honestly, I hate to admit this but I think I lost faith in possibly having someone and meeting someone. I have to change my mentality before I can even think of being with someone. If I go into it with wrong thinking, it won't work-even if they have the best intentions. Me being attractive, smart, giving, loving, honest, loyal, pouring my heart to them and basically being a pretty damn good girlfriend- I think IMO, that doesn't mean I'll get someone right away. I have to realize that while finding someone to love in your life is amazing and love, relationships and marriage even should be respected and not treated as lightly as it is treated today, sadly, being with someone, sharing your lives together isn't your or their entire life-it should be a positive and healthy addition to life. You shouldn't drop your career, friends, goals, etc and only be around them. That's not right-but that's what I would do! So, now that I thoroughly have it figured out about what I need to change in myself-I need to put that to use and actually DO the change! But so then comes H- and my entire addiction/alcohol and pills-I will never be in a healthy mindset as long as I use drugs. I think that an addict can find a good gf/bf that isn't a user and the relationship can work but in the end, the addict has to quit or it won't work forever. I don't think you need to be sober when you find or are with someone that is good- but I think it really truly boils down to-as long as you are using, you aren't solving any problems- therefore you aren't bettering yourself and giving that person the respect they deserve-and you certainly aren't respecting yourself if you are still using-so in the end, you truly have to be sober to appreciate the bf/gf.
Many people think that finding a partner in AA/NA isn't good-but I disagree. Sometimes it honestly helps if your partner is an addict, but has good long clean time-so they can truly understand the struggles you are going through. NOTHING irks me more than people that aren't addicts. We are two different breeds-addicted persons and non addicted persons. Non addicted persons have NO CLUE about the psychological, emotional damage, information, and facts that go with addiction. If you aren't an addict, do not voice your opinion as if you personally know what's going on. That's it. I don't want to hear it and God knows other addicts don't either. This is why I LOVE and truly grasp the point of what Layne Staley sang in Junkhead. Jerry Cantrell and Layne Staley wrote this. It was their way of expressing their thoughts on drug abuse and how you can't understand the mind of a drug user unless you are one yourself. The lyrics I'm referring to are- "You can't understand a user's mind. But try, with your books and degrees. If you let yourself go and opened your mind, I'll bet you'd be doing like me. And it ain't so bad"
You idiots actually think for one second that you understand the insanity, pain, and freedom of the addict just because you read something about it from some Dr. Drew book? Whatever. Please, spare me with that BS.
About 20 minutes ago I sat there truly trying to open my heart and mind up. I forced myself to truly sit and think about why I hurt myself this way in this heroin addiction. Why do I use? Why am I sad? Well, turns out it's a lot of abandonment issues, stress, anxiety, etc. I so badly want a boyfriend-a honest, supportive, loving healthy relationship-but where do I get that? Every single guy I've been with has treated my badly. Not surprisingly, since I always felt lonely, I stayed with them-and then I wondered why they treated me like crap. In each relationship, I rushed, lost my sense of self, etc-so of course they'd all end the same-being dumped and used.
It wasn't truly until my last boyfriend which I dumped a year and a month ago. I was used in that and taken advantage of so badly it was sick. He'd ask me for money, have me pay for everything, never cared to visit me, didn't have a car, relied on my for everything-and yet he had a better paying career than I had. Seriously I finally got so fucking fed up that I said "fuck you, good bye you loser!" I never felt better after I left is his loser ass. Where'd I meet him? In the rehab I went to. yeah, bad choice-but so I mean-another situation of me ignoring the red flags early in the relationship and wanting to stay with him so I would at least have someone. Hell no, I am not like that anymore. I'd rather have no one than some idiot loser. But the thing of it is is that since I was in middle school I was so obsessed-rather worried-that I'd never find someone to be with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring a partner, companion-someone to support your goals and dreams, and be there for you, a good honest, healthy relationship-but it's wrong and no healthy when you lose yourself and only hang around them and let them be your entire life. That's what I was doing with every single boyfriend. And chances are if they allow this behavior, then they aren't good guys to begin with. You can generally tell someone's intentions early on and if you see red flags-figure out what's going on and if you aren't happy-evaluate the situation and leave. Now, I feel so scared to enter another relationship. I can't even fathom even having sex-not because H kills your sex drive, not about H at all-but about honestly, I hate to admit this but I think I lost faith in possibly having someone and meeting someone. I have to change my mentality before I can even think of being with someone. If I go into it with wrong thinking, it won't work-even if they have the best intentions. Me being attractive, smart, giving, loving, honest, loyal, pouring my heart to them and basically being a pretty damn good girlfriend- I think IMO, that doesn't mean I'll get someone right away. I have to realize that while finding someone to love in your life is amazing and love, relationships and marriage even should be respected and not treated as lightly as it is treated today, sadly, being with someone, sharing your lives together isn't your or their entire life-it should be a positive and healthy addition to life. You shouldn't drop your career, friends, goals, etc and only be around them. That's not right-but that's what I would do! So, now that I thoroughly have it figured out about what I need to change in myself-I need to put that to use and actually DO the change! But so then comes H- and my entire addiction/alcohol and pills-I will never be in a healthy mindset as long as I use drugs. I think that an addict can find a good gf/bf that isn't a user and the relationship can work but in the end, the addict has to quit or it won't work forever. I don't think you need to be sober when you find or are with someone that is good- but I think it really truly boils down to-as long as you are using, you aren't solving any problems- therefore you aren't bettering yourself and giving that person the respect they deserve-and you certainly aren't respecting yourself if you are still using-so in the end, you truly have to be sober to appreciate the bf/gf.
Many people think that finding a partner in AA/NA isn't good-but I disagree. Sometimes it honestly helps if your partner is an addict, but has good long clean time-so they can truly understand the struggles you are going through. NOTHING irks me more than people that aren't addicts. We are two different breeds-addicted persons and non addicted persons. Non addicted persons have NO CLUE about the psychological, emotional damage, information, and facts that go with addiction. If you aren't an addict, do not voice your opinion as if you personally know what's going on. That's it. I don't want to hear it and God knows other addicts don't either. This is why I LOVE and truly grasp the point of what Layne Staley sang in Junkhead. Jerry Cantrell and Layne Staley wrote this. It was their way of expressing their thoughts on drug abuse and how you can't understand the mind of a drug user unless you are one yourself. The lyrics I'm referring to are- "You can't understand a user's mind. But try, with your books and degrees. If you let yourself go and opened your mind, I'll bet you'd be doing like me. And it ain't so bad"
You idiots actually think for one second that you understand the insanity, pain, and freedom of the addict just because you read something about it from some Dr. Drew book? Whatever. Please, spare me with that BS.
New place, new score-possibly lethal combination
Well I was sick as shit as soon as I woke up. On Monday I went to see Dre, hoping he had a Suboxone but he didn't and his guy didn't either, so I was forced to settle with 1 pill of dope. I didn't want to go back home empty handed so I opted for H. So then I was sick yesterday all day but it wasn't too bad. At night is usually when my symptoms, especially feeling restless, become increased, but thankfully it wasn't bad last night. But then this morning, I sat on the edge of my bed crying, sick, contemplating going back to see Dre-only one issue-when I did get to his house, he wasn't there. I banged on the basement door where his roomate, Darrell, stays. Thankfully Darrell was home. Several weeks ago when I went to see Dre, on a Sunday, they were both home, but sleeping heavily, so they didn't hear me know. Because of that I ended up having to cop on my own-and that was when I met that stripper girl that sold it to me.
Anyway, so I had to go through a done of BS with Darrell just to get one---ONE pill of dope this morning. I haven't been able to afford more than 1 or 2 pills lately. I am desperately waiting to get my first check from this new job I'm at. That won't come for another week or two. Til then, I'm saving whatever money I have in my account and stealing the rest from the house.......
Anyway so around noon, Darrel and myself drove to a new area-well near the strip clubs I applied to-a few blocks from there. We had a hard time finding the dealer Darrell knows so we had to go around in circles several times til we spotted the guy. Of course the guy was mad that I only wanted 1,for $15 but F him-I'm not spending money I don't have -if I can afford it,I'll get it, and today, $15 was all I could afford.
Actually, I only brought change with me, not bills, because I assumed I'd just be dealing with Dre- so Darrell had to front the money for my dope-what a nice guy, and all I had to do was pay Darrell $5 in change....lol poor guy
So then after we scored, he wanted me to drop him off closer to the inner city/tourist area, so after I dropped him off I headed home. I was honestly intending on going to school after I scored, that is assuming Dre was home and it wouldn't be as stressful as it ended up being-and it was too hot out so I just went home.
So about the lethal combination-as soon as I got home around 2:15, I did a few lines of the H-and thankfully it was good shit-[better than Dre's dope;don't tell him that ;) ] Then about 15 minutes ago, I mixed 2 lines of H with ibuprofen pm and Midocardis- a blood pressure pill-and I'm assuming all of this will really lower my heart rate but hoping this won't kill me-here's my proof typed on here, if that matters.........I'm only noting this because the Midocardis is known to make you dizzy, weak, lower heart rate-typical of a blood pressure/stress pill, and you all know H already lowers the heart rate as it is, so we'll see.....
Anyway, so I had to go through a done of BS with Darrell just to get one---ONE pill of dope this morning. I haven't been able to afford more than 1 or 2 pills lately. I am desperately waiting to get my first check from this new job I'm at. That won't come for another week or two. Til then, I'm saving whatever money I have in my account and stealing the rest from the house.......
Anyway so around noon, Darrel and myself drove to a new area-well near the strip clubs I applied to-a few blocks from there. We had a hard time finding the dealer Darrell knows so we had to go around in circles several times til we spotted the guy. Of course the guy was mad that I only wanted 1,for $15 but F him-I'm not spending money I don't have -if I can afford it,I'll get it, and today, $15 was all I could afford.
Actually, I only brought change with me, not bills, because I assumed I'd just be dealing with Dre- so Darrell had to front the money for my dope-what a nice guy, and all I had to do was pay Darrell $5 in change....lol poor guy
So then after we scored, he wanted me to drop him off closer to the inner city/tourist area, so after I dropped him off I headed home. I was honestly intending on going to school after I scored, that is assuming Dre was home and it wouldn't be as stressful as it ended up being-and it was too hot out so I just went home.
So about the lethal combination-as soon as I got home around 2:15, I did a few lines of the H-and thankfully it was good shit-[better than Dre's dope;don't tell him that ;) ] Then about 15 minutes ago, I mixed 2 lines of H with ibuprofen pm and Midocardis- a blood pressure pill-and I'm assuming all of this will really lower my heart rate but hoping this won't kill me-here's my proof typed on here, if that matters.........I'm only noting this because the Midocardis is known to make you dizzy, weak, lower heart rate-typical of a blood pressure/stress pill, and you all know H already lowers the heart rate as it is, so we'll see.....
My blog is back! My pain isn't for your entertainment though....
Sorry to my many readers about briefly deleting my blog. My paranioa got the best of me. I'm back though! But the thought did cross my mind-this isn't entertainment for you all, is it? My pain isn't your entertainment right? You all do realize I'm in a hellish addiction and this isn't fiction, right? Yes this is my choice to create this blog and let strangers read about my life, but I hope people, especially those that aren't addicts, realize what an awful thing this is to live with. Just a thought............
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