Getting Dre involved

I just called Dre to see if he wants to do business with the NY dealer guy. Dre declined because he can't afford China. It's closer to raw/brown and that's why it's more expensive than Dre's kind. China is Brown and more raw means better-and you know, I bet you I'd feel it more if I got more in me,which means I have to shoot this-I think in general I should go back to shooting because-at this point,for months now, my tolerance has gone up to the point where I can't afford the amount I need to feel a good high-and also I can't snort as much as I need to to get a good high-so shoting it is the best answer-in terms of getting more of it in me to feel anything anymore-that clearly won't solve my money issue-that's the problem with tolerance and addiction-the more you do, the more used to it you get/more tolerance, more you need, more you spend, etc...
I am almost done it. I only bought 1-honestly I'm a little  bummed because it wasn't as strong as I thought it would be. All I've heard about China White was about how great it is....but to me, it's like a 7-8. Is there a different kind of China that's stronger? I'm thinking I should start shooting so I can get more in me. Sniffing it, I can't do as much because my nose gets clogged or bleeds, so I know that if I go back to shooting, I can get more in me. But I also don't do that much-not because i can' handle it because i can, but so I won't use it up so fast and have to buy more quickly-especially this kind...it's more expensive than Dre's kind. It's only $5.00 more-but Dre offers me more in quantity,so it ends up being cheaper. This China kind was just in a small stamp like bag and Dre has his in clear capsules. Anyway so honestly, Angie didn't want me directly dealing with that NY guy anyway because I don't know him and I personally don't want to deal with him. I don't think I'll do business with him much more.

My Current H related Health Issues

I get a lot of chest/heart pains. I know when I used to use the needle, I didn't always clean it and I did share a needle with Rob once- so I wondered what issues I could get from that. I know that from shooting, you can get something called Bacterial Endocarditis. That's what Demri Parrot, Layne Staley's girlfriend at the time died from back in 1996. I know it harms the liver too-so do pills and alcohol. I get a lot of bruising on my skin-not from alcohol but only when I use H. The bruising isn't from picking at my skin-I don't do that at all >I know some users pick at their face and shit-I never did that. What's the point of that anyway?  I just bump into something and I bruise easily. I know that is from liver related issues.So, I'm conscious of all of these changes yet I don't change..........

another video/Mike Starr...

Some of my troubles

well Dre kicked me out of this place I was staying at for a while so I have spend the last 4 hours walking up and down Sunset. I'm used to the people looking at me, I clean up well I don't care. I'm hoping that Rob has some work forme at this go go club he's been working at now.

If only..........Jerry Cantrell MusiCares Speech

If only I just acted normal in front of my parents they'd never suspect anything. They said it themselves, how can they feel comfortable going on vacation, leaving me here, when they strongly question what I'm up to? I don't blame them for their thinking or their concern. God knows how badly i want to get out of this-how the hell do people stay out?

Last night on Youtube, I watched Jerry Cantrell's MusiCares MAPP speech. It helped me a lot to hear his words-I could relate. That's what I need, the constant ability to relate and realize that I'm not alone in this addiction hell and twisted mentality.[1st video-Jerry's MAPP speech. 2nd video-Mike Starr]

Already dope sick.

I feel the withdrawal symptoms coming at me already. I'm seconds away from that sneeze, already feeling that inner uncomfortable that only gets worst late at night. The only thing that solves this is junk food-so I think I'll eat something.....shit I can't even afford it.

crackwhore

Just got back home from Dre's. I've been sharing this little place with a girl that was homeless for a little bit. She works as a dancer and her pimp let her stay with him and let me stay too if I provide him with some dope. Easy enough. He gave me my first hit of crack today. I also bought 2 pills of dope. I have to say that crack feels like coke to me. I tried coke over a year ago-and I honestly don't care for either. Naturally having anxiety and all that shit, I don't like anything that makes me hyper and all that like those 2 do, so I still prefer H forever. I just wanted to try crack, for general curiosity, but I don't care for it. He let me have a small amount of what was left of the crack to take home but I don't even have a stem or anything so I have to ask Rob if he has anything. After that, I'm over it. More expensive too.......eh
Anyway so but I mean, not to say I didn't love it, for the first 2 minutes....felt like a roller coaster great orgasmic high-yea but then came the tears, anxiety, panic, etc......