December 30, 2010
Prayer For The Day:
I
pray that I strive to be the kind of a person that God would have me be.
I pray that I may try to fulfill God's vision of what I could be.
Just For Today:
My recovery is too precious to just wish about it. Today is a good day for action and prayer.
I enjoyed the Women's Group with Nikki today. I know these groups
with other women and making friends here will get me through being
here. My parents come tonight for visitor's night. It's once a week. I'm interested in seeing how that'll go. I don't think I'll be sad when they leave. We'll see.
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December 30, 2010
They, parents, came for visitor's night and left and I wasn't sad. They reminded me of partially why I drink. Their back and forth bickering, mainly started by my dad, causes me to drink at home. Even when it's not even related to me, in most situations, if I don't want to hear the yelling I'll hole myself in my room, turn up my music. But I think it's more of a habit to take the pills, which I don't even take everyday. I can't say that when things go wrong I'll always get a drink, because I don't. But if I still get angry out of no where. I'm adjusting here well. Yesterday was the first official day I stopped feeling sad here. The last day I kept trying to want to go home. I still have 3 weeks left so I still have a while to go. My parents did ask me about a sponsor, something you are asked to have in AA/NA. It's really hard to be around people that don't get it and those that aren't addicts themselves. My dad really focuses on the wrong things. He frustrates the hell out of me. His total ignorance of this disease is so unnerving. I'm not going to sit here and start blaming my parents, not after all the self growth I've found during my short week in rehab. I totally forgot that their fighting was one of my reasons. Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.
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December 31, 2010
Prayer For Today:
I pray that I may carry good things into the year ahead. I pray that I may so live that I will be afraid to die.
Just For Today:
I will look for opportunities to be of service in everything I do.
Of course I miss being home and I never sat there and blamed my parents entirely for my drinking. You know, of course I miss being home. You can't get used to this place. There's nothing like home comforts. The thing I heard to think about, probably Elissa the counselor said this during one of our groups, think about your worst/ saddest moment while drunk or whatever and after days of brainstorming it has to be this past Christmas Day. Maybe it was because of the holiday, but I knew it was out of control. It was when I took 12 sleeping pills, stayed in my room high as hell from the pills, and my parents were downstairs opening presents. To me, that memory is so heartbreaking. But you know, I can't do anything about that now. Elissa told us to think about that time and Nikki mentioned to play the tape in your head all the way though. What this means is, don't just think about the good highs and the good times you had while drunk or on drugs. Think about all the bad things that happened as well. So I start remembering the physical sickness, the time I left my cats outside because I was too drunk to remember to let them in. Also about the time I was drunk and the one time I went to work hungover. Also when I started drinking vanilla extracts because they have a small amount of alcohol in them. I know that wasn't more than 3 months ago. I don't even know how that started, but I would drink that when I couldn't afford to buy my usual bottle of red wine, my main drink of choice. I also remember about 2 years ago I would call in sick to work when I would be too buzzed off of the sleeping pills. That's when I would take those sparingly. But the point is, if I remember all that stuff and if I really look back at all that, not to mention how nervous and angry my parents got each time something happened to me, that all wasn't because I thought life wasn't worth living. They weren't suicide attempts. They were all apart of addiction, the disease. Another reason was boredom. Simply, I was able to get away with it, so I did it. I would sit at home, I didn't make my job situation or my life overall any better. If anything it made my life stagnant and make me feel worst.
My mom said when I get out of rehab, she's going to buy me and herself a plane ticket for Puerto Rico. We have a beach house about 40 minutes east of San Juan. She wants to go in February. I haven't been there since my birthday last May. She said she might call my therapist for me. My mom also mentioned that my cousin, Tim, who is in AA as well, called me and left me a sweet and supportive voice mail. Before word of my alcoholism broke out to parts of my family, I really was never close to Tim. He's on my dad's side of the family. My dad had a drinking issue when I was younger but once some of his family talked to him about it, he promptly quit. Maybe that's why he doesn't understand my addiction. I wrongly assumed a while back that a person would totally understand addiction if they had an issue of their own. I was wrong. He doesn't understand at all. My cousin Tim and his mom, my aunt, are both alcoholics. Actually, my dad's mother, my grandmother was an alcoholic as well. So, it strongly runs in my family. Anyway, Tim knows a few girls our age that live close to me that are in AA. I am trying to find people my age to go to meetings with when I get out of rehab. I plan on going to at least one meeting a day when I return home. My job situation is what makes me the most nervous about returning home to live with my parents. Until I find a job I'm going to have to volunteer or something just to get outside. But I won't think too far ahead. Everyday here in rehab is different. So far I'm doing well.
