How it all began

Recently I've been thinking back to when I first started this blog and how my addiction started and looking now at where I am, the mess I'm in and how back it has gotten. It's like night and day to me. I guess it's not a total change, but, I mean, I guess I was headed here eventually. Heroin only takes you one place right?

New Picture from blog, That Guy's On Heroin

http://thatguysonheroin.com/

Location: #8 Bus, Baltimore, MD
Rating: Honorable Mention
Description: This #8 bus line, or the Crazy Eight as it is affectionately called by the locals, was recently named the best retail on wheels by the city paper.
If you are like most Americans and view “retail” as the sale of legal products or services for legal tender you may be completely disappointed by this “retail on wheels” bullshit the city paper is selling. If instead you’re like me and read it as “this is a great place to pick up banged-up, aging hookers who will charge by the tooth, and low-grade blow (get it now… the crazy eight…)” then you’re probably closer to reality.
Unfortunately I’d feel like I was cheating rating this one because the angle of the shot leads to more questions than answers. Is he smacked out? Drunk? Tired? Just got his ass whooped by epic beard man? We may never know, but whatever the case this guy could really use a pick-me-up, and from my experience he’s on the right bus!

• Jan 30
• 3
• baltimore bus crazy eight Honorable Mention epic beard m

The Needle And The Damage Done ~ Neil Young

I caught you knockin'
At my cellar door
I love you, baby,
Can I have some more
Ooh, ooh, the damage done.

I hit the city and
I lost my band
I watched the needle
Take another man
Gone, gone, the damage done.

I sing the song
Because I love the man
I know that some
Of you don't understand
Milk-blood
To keep from running out.

I've seen the needle
And the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie's
Like a settin' sun.

Fall To Pieces ~ Velvet Revolver

Its been a long year since you've been gone
I've been alone here I've grown old
I fall to pieces, I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling
Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

I keep a journal of memories
I'm feeling lonely I can't breathe
I fall to pieces I'm falling
Fell to pieces and I'm still falling
Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

All the years I've tried
With more to go
Will the memories die
I'm waiting
Will I find you
Can I find you
We're falling down
I'm falling

Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces
Every time I'm falling down
All alone I fall to pieces

A Junkie's Lament ~ James Taylor

Ricky's been kicking the gong
Lickety split didn't take too long
A junkie's sick
A monkey's strong
That's what's wrong

Well, I guess he's been messing around downtown
So sad to see the man losing ground
Winding down behind closed doors
On all fours

Mama, don't you call him my name
He can't hear you anymore
And even if he seems the same to you
That's a stranger to your door
Ask him what's he come here for

Oh my god, a monkey can move a man
[A Junkie's Lament lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]Send him to hell
And home again
With an empty hand in the afternoon
Shooting for the moon

It's halfway sick
And it's halfway stoned
He'd sure like to kick
But it's too far gone
They wind him down with the methadone
He's all on his own

But baby, don't you throw your love away
I hate to seem unkind
It's only that I understand the man
That the monkey can leave behind
I used to think he was a friend of mine

A Baltimore Love Thing~ 50 Cent

She loves me, she loves me not
Yeah she loves me not

The fiends need me, I ain't around it, bones ache
Detox, rehab, cold sweat, watch 'em shake
I'm not that genie in a bottle, I'm in a bag
Take one hit, I slide off to the land of the H man

When we first met, I thought you'd never doubt me
Now you tryin' leave me, you'll never live without me
Girl, I'm missin' you, come and see me soon
Tie your arm up, put that lighter under that spoon

Now put that needle to ya arm princess, stick it in
Relapse you fat bitch, don't ever try that again
All that shit I did for you, I made you feel good
We have a love thing, you treatin' this like it's just a fling

What we have is more sacred than a vow or a ring
You broke my heart, you dirty bitch I won't forget what you did
If you give birth, I'll already be in love with your kids
Listen, I don't give a damn if your ass start smokin'
But we have a bond and it's not to be broken

We got a love thing where you try to leave me
But you need me, can't you see you're addicted to me?
We got a love thing, I can take you higher girl
Fuckin' with me, you can be all you can be

We got a love thing where you try to leave me
But you need me, can't you see you're addicted to me?
We got a love thing, I can take you higher girl
Fuckin' with me, you can be all you can be

Baby you know, on the low your sister be eyein' me
I'm good lookin', so you know, sure she be tryin' me
I heard she bisexual, she fuck with that girl
But boy, oh boy, fuckin' wit me is a whole 'nother world

After that first night, she fall in love, then chased a feelin'
I hung out with Marvin when he wrote 'Sexual Healing'
Kurt Cobain even good friends, Ozzy Osbourne too
I be with rock stars, see you lucky I'm fuckin' with you

I chill with Frankie Lyman and Jimmy Hendrix crew
See this is new to you, but to me this ain't new
I live a lavished life, listen if the mood is right
Me, you, and your sister can do the do tonight

I never steer you wrong, you're hyper I make ya calm
I be the incentive and reason for you to move forward
Let's make a date, promise me you'll come and see me
Even if it means you have to sell ya mama's TV
I love you, love me back, no one said lovin' me'd be easy

We got a love thing where you try to leave me
But you need me, can't you see you're addicted to me?
We got a love thing, I can take you higher girl
Fuckin' with me, you can be all you can be

We got a love thing where you try to leave me
But you need me, can't you see you're addicted to me?
We got a love thing, I can take you higher girl
Fuckin' with me, you can be all you can be

I love you, I got you barefooted on glass, chasin' a dove
That monkey on your back, symbolizes my love
Your friends talk bad about me bitch, you sit there and listen to 'em
Over and over you hurt me, my love is unconditional

They talk to you when you up, you down they got nothin' to say
But when you call, I'll come runnin', I'll always take the pain away
They set you up, to let you down, they crowned you prom queen
Fiddle about me behind your back, they call you a fuckin' fiend

Can we just be alone, so I can kiss and hug you?
Plus me beside you, no other man can loves you like I do
Call me daddy, I'll make you feel good, I mean real good
I found pleasure in pleasin' you, like a real man should

It was written long before, it was carved in a tree
Forever me and you baby we were meant to be
There's more to life than laughter, what brought us together was fate
And we'll be hand in hand, when you walk through those Pearly Gates
And to see to that, I'ma do whatever it takes

We got a love thing where you try to leave me
But you need me, can't you see you're addicted to me?
We got a love thing, I can take you higher girl
Fuckin' with me, you can be all you can be

We got a love thing where you try to leave me
But you need me, can't you see you're addicted to me?
We got a love thing, I can take you higher girl
Fuckin' with me, you can be all you can be

Heroin Poetry

I miss again...
Dammit!
When will I finally feel it?
Shadows dance around me,
But they are not my own.
I'm tired.
I'm too tired for this.

Finally, success!
Pinprick.
Dancing in the dark.
A smile is painted across my face.
What a face it is, a wretched face.
Face the desperation that lies ahead....
Orgasm, screaming vultures. 

Today's Agenda

Call James-fully try and wake up and try to ignore those two I am still forced to live with. You know, I've been in this area for a while and I haven't see the area or gone shopping. I eventually really want to get on that.

Heroin News of the Day= New hope for addicts

http://medicalxpress.com/news/2013-01-addicts.html

School of Pharmacy faculty member Christopher R. McCurdy has made it his mission to find and develop compounds to unlock the shackles that bind people to addictive drugs. "A lot of people who become addicted to methamphetamine, cocaine or even heroin truly want to quit," McCurdy said. "They begin with recreational use and don't think they will become addicted, but (they) soon get to the point where they almost must take the drug to survive, because withdrawal is so intense." Making withdrawal more endurable – and therefore, cessation more likely – is the goal of several projects in McCurdy's medicinal chemistry laboratory. Among them is a National Institutes of Health Centers of Biomedical Research Excellence-funded study of kratom, a botanical mixture derived from Mitragyna speciosa, a treelike plant native to Southeast Asia. (COBRE grants are awarded by the NIH's National Institute of General Medical Sciences through its Institutional Development Award, or IDeA, program, which builds research capabilities in states that historically have had low levels of NIH funding.)

Read more at: http://medicalxpress.com/news/2013-01-addicts.html#jCp

School of Pharmacy faculty member Christopher R. McCurdy has made it his mission to find and develop compounds to unlock the shackles that bind people to addictive drugs. "A lot of people who become addicted to methamphetamine, cocaine or even heroin truly want to quit," McCurdy said. "They begin with recreational use and don't think they will become addicted, but (they) soon get to the point where they almost must take the drug to survive, because withdrawal is so intense." Making withdrawal more endurable – and therefore, cessation more likely – is the goal of several projects in McCurdy's medicinal chemistry laboratory. Among them is a National Institutes of Health Centers of Biomedical Research Excellence-funded study of kratom, a botanical mixture derived from Mitragyna speciosa, a treelike plant native to Southeast Asia. (COBRE grants are awarded by the NIH's National Institute of General Medical Sciences through its Institutional Development Award, or IDeA, program, which builds research capabilities in states that historically have had low levels of NIH funding.)

Read more at: http://medicalxpress.com/news/2013-01-addicts.html#jCp

School of Pharmacy faculty member Christopher R. McCurdy has made it his mission to find and develop compounds to unlock the shackles that bind people to addictive drugs. "A lot of people who become addicted to methamphetamine, cocaine or even heroin truly want to quit," McCurdy said. "They begin with recreational use and don't think they will become addicted, but (they) soon get to the point where they almost must take the drug to survive, because withdrawal is so intense." Making withdrawal more endurable – and therefore, cessation more likely – is the goal of several projects in McCurdy's medicinal chemistry laboratory. Among them is a National Institutes of Health Centers of Biomedical Research Excellence-funded study of kratom, a botanical mixture derived from Mitragyna speciosa, a treelike plant native to Southeast Asia. (COBRE grants are awarded by the NIH's National Institute of General Medical Sciences through its Institutional Development Award, or IDeA, program, which builds research capabilities in states that historically have had low levels of NIH funding.)

Read more at: http://medicalxpress.com/news/2013-01-addicts.html#jCp

January 28, 2013 by Barbara Lago in Addiction It doesn't take a rocket scientist to quickly grasp what a University of Mississippi professor's research could mean to the millions of people addicted to hardcore narcotics such as heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine and morphine.

Read more at: http://medicalxpress.com/news/2013-01-addicts.html#jCp

January 28, 2013 by Barbara Lago in Addiction It doesn't take a rocket scientist to quickly grasp what a University of Mississippi professor's research could mean to the millions of people addicted to hardcore narcotics such as heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine and morphine.

Read more at: http://medicalxpress.com/news/2013-01-addicts.html#jCp

January 28, 2013 by Barbara Lago in Addiction It doesn't take a rocket scientist to quickly grasp what a University of Mississippi professor's research could mean to the millions of people addicted to hardcore narcotics such as heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine and morphine.

Read more at: http://medicalxpress.com/news/2013-01-addicts.html#jCp

January 28, 2013 by Barbara Lago in Addiction It doesn't take a rocket scientist to quickly grasp what a University of Mississippi professor's research could mean to the millions of people addicted to hardcore narcotics such as heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine and morphine.

Read more at: http://medicalxpress.com/news/2013-01-addicts.html#jCp

In desperate need of $$$

Well this just takes the cake. This shit is ridiculous. I'm out of money. How the hell did that happen?? Well, what do you think? I'm totally depleted. It's as if my money is totally-well-it isn't as if, it IS true that I'm poor. Piss poor-fucking sucks. All because of drugs, well shit and you know, you think I'd be a rich bitch with all these things I'm doing for James and his company-the movie and the calendar and other shit but NO-NO well, I just have really bad spending habits. He doesn't pay me THAT much you know. Where else did it go? Where is all my new stuff?? hell if I know!

Salt Lake City Stalker

I'm pretty sure it's linked to someone viewing my blog but thy also tried to get into my email. Not cool! You look like an idiot!

Recommended Reading

Heroin-related fiction and non fiction books recommended by me-

*Heroin by Julie O'Toole (May 8, 2008)-Julie grew up in the heart of Dublin’s north inner city, in Sheriff Street. Living in this tough area, she was exposed to crime and drugs. She started using heroin when she was 16. By the time she was 18 she was a chronic addict. This story details how she spent the next four years living on the streets of Dublin; dealing drugs and stealing to feed her habit. It is a snapshot of how a young girl became a victim of circumstances. It happened in Dublin, but it could have happened anywhere in the world. Her life was saved by a chance encounter with a drugs counsellor who brought her to first to London, and then to America where she de-toxed and slowly began to rebuild her life.

*BOOKS BY TONY O'NEILL=

Digging the Vein's= unnamed narrator has a problem: He has a burgeoning drug habit and a wife he's only known for two days, but no job, no money, and no way out. As the narrator's life crumbles, the pills, booze, and problems multiply until he hits on a brilliant solution: heroin. Soon the narrator is associating with a cabal of street freaks. Just as the comedy is piling up, things go sour, making Digging the Vein a brutal look at a self-destructed, marginal life.

Down and Out on Murder Mile=After exhausting their resources in the slums of Los Angeles, a junkie and his wife settle in London's "murder mile," the city's most violent and criminally corrupt section. Persevering past failed treatments, persistent temptation, urban ennui, and his wife's ruinous death wish, the nameless narrator fights to reclaim his life. 

SICK CITY=Meet Jeffrey and Randal, two desperate junkies and your guides on this top-to-bottom fun-house tour of Hollywood's underbelly. From infamous crime scenes to celebrity treatment centers, Sick City is an outrageous page-turning adventure set in the sun-bleached wilds of LA. 

*The Heroin Diaries:  Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star by Nikki Sixx (Sep 18, 2007)-

In one of the most unique memoirs of addiction ever published, Mötley Crüe's Nikki Sixx shares mesmerizing diary entries from the year he spiraled out of control in a haze of heroin and cocaine, presented alongside riveting commentary from people who were there at the time, and from Nikki himself.When Mötley Crüe was at the height of its fame, there wasn't any drug Nikki Sixx wouldn't do. He spent days -- sometimes alone, sometimes with other addicts, friends, and lovers -- in a coke and heroin-fueled daze. The highs were high, and Nikki's journal entries reveal some euphoria and joy. But the lows were lower, often ending with Nikki in his closet, surrounded by drug paraphernalia and wrapped in paranoid delusions.

*Beauty Queen by  Linda Glovach-creates a likable, believable character in Samantha: we recognize her humanity as a girl genuinely troubled by her mother's alcoholism (as well as by her mom's lascivious boyfriend); we feel the unconditional love she harbors for her diabetic Maine coon cat; we shake our heads as her greed for money and flippant attitude about her addiction cause Sam to make naive decisions. As Sam spirals further downward--still unaware of how far gone she really is, even though she can't complete a journal entry without shooting up--readers will feel the remorse of what could have been, and may learn a valuable lesson in the processteenager, writing in her diary about an ex-boyfriend: "I will never fall in love again, never, ever! Why is life so cruel? Why do people like to hurt each other?" But a mere three months later--after moving into her own apartment, taking a job as a topless dancer, and becoming addicted to heroin--her tone takes on that of a grizzled drug abuser: "I've been shooting in my bony hip area... toward my groin, so no one can detect the needle points on my rear when I wear my G-string, and I'm getting terribly numb there." Samantha's story is told entirely in the form of her journal entries, which vividly reflect this young woman's rapid descent into the seedy world of addiction. Author Linda Glovach creates a likable, believable character in Samantha: we recognize her humanity as a girl genuinely troubled by her mother's alcoholism (as well as by her mom's lascivious boyfriend); we feel the unconditional love she harbors for her diabetic Maine coon cat; we shake our heads as her greed for money and flippant attitude about her addiction cause Sam to make naive decisions. As Sam spirals further downward--still unaware of how far gone she really is, even though she can't complete a journal entry without shooting up--readers will feel the remorse of what could have been, and may learn a valuable lesson in the process.

Beauty Queen by Linda Glovach (Sep 19, 1998)

Beauty Queen by Linda Glovach (Sep 19, 1998)

Beauty Queen by Linda Glovach (Sep 19, 1998)

Beauty Queen by Linda Glovach (Sep 19, 1998)

Beauty Queen by Linda Glovach (Sep 19, 1998)Beauty Queen by Linda Glovach.

4,000 Page Views!!!yay!!

THANK YOU!!
How aweosome that I just noticed that my blog now has 4,000 page views!!How cool!

THANK YOU!!!!!

Memories of a Heroinhead

When I Google search "heroin blogs" I sadly don't see mine listed up there-and I thought by now my page was popular enough to be listed on Google, geez. BUT I did find this other blog that I have been a fan of for some time now. Check it out!

http://memoiresofaheroinhead.blogspot.com/

*Donations*

I thought on and off about this for a while now, and so I have finally come to the conclusion to start receiving donations, if anyone is willing and interested. My email address is scarlettraven44@gmail.com and I contemplated asking this or even bringing anything up about donations but hey, I figured now is as good a time as any-probably the best time to ask.
One thing though is that I prefer it to be cash, as I don't have a bank account or anything-that's part of the reason I didn't care to ask for several months.
So, this is totally your decision, as my readers, my fans, my friends, whatever you want to call yourselves. If you are in a giving mood, then email me and I'll get in touch with your personally.

Thank you.

Heroin-related blog of the day!

As you all most likely know by now, I'm obsessed with reading news articles and other blogs about and related to my *DOC*, heroin. So, here is another blog I ran across just now that might serve your entertainment needs as much as my blog does.[okay, now I know my blog comes first haha]

http://myheroinrecovery.blogspot.com/

Blog Becoming a Book-Idea 2

Remember a while back I was contemplating some ideas of how to turn my blog into a book, a memoir of sorts? Well, I came across this blog written by blog guru Mari Smith, "

["Own Your Niche by Becoming An Author — How To Blog A Book"

  If you are like most business people, your blog serves as the cornerstone of your social media activities. Not only can you repurpose your old blog posts into a book, or “book your blog,” you can create a content plan and actually “blog a book,” a much more effective plan and use of your time. When you are done, you will have something else to sell to your loyal fan base and one more way to prove your expertise.

Blogging a book is easy to do. Simply choose a topic to blog about that supports your business or that your fans ask you about often, create a content plan, and break that content plan into chapters. Then chunk down the chapters into blog-post-sized bits—250-500-word pieces. Write these post-sized bits in a word processing document first, and then copy and paste them into your blogging program 2-7 times per week and publish them. In this way you create a manuscript as 
you publish the blog posts. You can later edit and revise this manuscript before you actually turn it into a published book.

http://www.marismith.com/own-your-niche-by-becoming-author-how-blog-book/]


**So, my idea is this-if there are any  publishers/editors out there that have been following my blog, and would be interested in setting up a book deal paralleling my blog, contact me, let me know! Send me a message through my email, scarlettraven44@gmail.com and I'll get back to you!**

Can't back out now

The shooting for that movie I was doing for James is complete, as of today. Obviously now wouldn't be a good time to express my feelings for wanting to back out of the project. I mean, geez, I at least could've confessed that to him days ago! I'm taking a big, deep breath about this right now as I type. I miss LA, I miss-I'm freaking homesick, can't you tell?! I wish I could just get that shit out of my mind, be content with where I am, with what I'm doing, etc. but NO, I can't-shit, how can I?

Well, James said he'll send the video to editing and then all there is left, he said, is to hold onto our seats and hope that some company like  Hustler picks it up. Those photos James shot of me, he sent several into Hustler last week so even if the movie doesn't get represented with them, at least my photos will take notice, hopefully. Hopefully SOMETHING happens out of all of this mess because I really need the damn money to get my damn plane ticket and get the hell outta here! James actually doesn't even know I'm planning on leaving Palm Springs. Of course I'd never let on about my plans.

That Guy's On Heroin-I love this blog!

So I stumbled upon this Tumblr accounting, That Guy's On Heroin. It's a photo and description website of the Baltimore, MD area and the heroin addicts that litter the area.

http://thatguysonheroin.com/

Check it out!

Author/ blogger Tony O'Neill

I got a chance to go to the library today and I found the perfect book and the perfect author. The book is titled Down And Out On Murder Mile by Tony O'Neill. It's a fictional account of two heroin addicts in LA and London. I was searching for a book like this and out of the blue it caught my eye.
He has a blog do I want to check that out too.
I had a pretty decent, non sexual day. Hard to believe now right? ;) well yea I did get a chance to meet with James for an hour or so earlier today. I stayed at the basement dump with the two guys last night until early this morning. I barely got any sleep last night. We stayed up all night doing crack and I shot up about $50 worth of heroin that I got from one of the amateur porn gals that I met at the party James had a while ago. Nothing new to the guys, staying up from dusk til dawn, which is typical of them.
I think I'll rest and read my new book for the remainder of today.

Lara dawn

Remember the lifetime TV movie about Lara dawn the girl that became a porn star and ended up killing herself? Her real name was Christina Applegate. I don't want to end up like her but... I can already see how I am.

Stay or go

I don't know why I'm having this question ever enter my mind; should I stay here or go back to LA? All of the sudden I'm getting movie ideas thrown at me and the idea about the calendar and shit- I want to stay here all of the sudden? I knew coming to Palm Springs would leave me in some kind of bind. I went back home to Casa de la Idiotas this morning. I couldn't stay at James' mansion forever. I didn't want to wear out my welcome. So nothing is any different back at the basement apartment. They got a hold of some crack and were smoking it as I came in. I took a small hit and crawled into my bed/mattress and hid under my covers. I think I'll stay here for the rest of the day. But if James' calls with a driver outside, I'm going with him. Ok nite even though its only a little after 10 am here...

Day 2 of filming

So after the party ended last night I ended up spending the night at James' house and today we are continuing to film. I don't want to stop and think about anything. I don't think things are out of hand- ok maybe a little but I'm happy. I'm happy. I found a way to get money for the plane or bus ticket to LA/ home. That's huge for me.
Anyway, the party last night was amazing! I really had a great time! I was a little nervous at the beginning but there were some well known adult actors there so that really helped me to get comfortable and not feel like I was all alone. Maybe I can just move into James' mansion until filming ends. God knows I don't ever want to go back and share that basement with those two guts I came here with.

Greetings from the party!

I'm still here, still at the party hosted by James, in his own house. It's going really well, pretty crazy. Who knew I'd go from hating it here in Palm Springs to having a slight change of heart?! Seriously, I still want to go back home to LA, but for now, I'm liking today. Let me just say thing one thing: James and his model friends are worse than Rob and Dre (RIP) seriously.

What a night

Out of the blue James invited me to a party at his mansion! I'm getting ready and picking out a hot dress as I type this. I'm so excited! He wasn't lying, he truly is a famous, well known photographer! He texted me telling me he arranged to have his limo driver pick me up in an hour!! Ill let you all know how it goes!

Pills make it easier

Wow I just got back from shooting the first scene of the movie James is making. I really didn't think I would be able to get through it but one of the other girls at the studio slipped me a few Valium's and those things worked wonders. I haven't taken them in months so I'm glad I still get a good high off of them. I think I'll work up the nerve one of these days to ask one of the girls if she has any heroin. Anyway it's really not that bad; this movie ideas thing.

little girl lost

I'm starting to think that my choice to join James a d this whole nude calendar thing was a mistake and a joke. Little did I realize what James was really planning. When I spent sometime with him at his studio this past Saturday, he mentioned a movie he was making, a soft core porn. Okay, not my first choice of jobs but I really need the money to get out of Palm Springs and get back to L.A. Silly girl I am, I accepted it. I signed his contract to star in the movie. But I have to say I am decided because ill be sharing the screen with new starlett, Lorna, this girl younger than me;that's not the issue. The issue is I just don't want to put myself in another deep hole like I did in Hollywood. So, I signed the damn contract and agreed to get paid $500.00 for the whole one hour film. Does t seem like much, I know. He'll, I made more than that in one night of dancing, but I really need to get e Pugh money to get back home so shit, I'm desperate, I admit it. Ha! James could tell for sure how naive I looked when I first called him. Whatever I know what I'm getting myself into. He said bed give me cash on the last day of the shoot. He said he will send the movie to some porn companies near LA so we'll see; I don't believe it but by then ill be paid and ready back home. I'm home alone right now. The guys are upstairs partying with the guy we're renting this shit place from, the guy that owns the liquor store. Hope ally blog readers are doing well. Hope your weekend was better and more peaceful than mine was.

Miss February!

Say hello to your new Miss February! No,  I won't be in Playboy, yet. But I will be in James' new calender. We did a really cool photo session and he ended up choosing me.....ME for his new calender Miss Feb.! :)

Dream job or mistake?

Sure I'm going back into my old ways but it's right up my alley. I called this guy named James and he's a photographer. He ran an ad in the paper asking for amateur models to be a part of his new calender. He is paying me $200.00. I made an appointment to meet with him later on today so I'll let you know how it goes! Why do I think that this could possibly be a mistake? I don't want to get into anything sketchy, not that I'm not familiar with it already. Well, I'm excited to give it a try. I need the money so, hey, why not?

Growing tired...

New year, same shit. Wow, that's a great way to start the new year, with a negative attitude.I really don't like it here in Palm Springs anymore. Surprisingly, I miss being home, my family, L.A. Why the change? These guys I've been with are really just old, bloated, up to no good losers. I had a moment of clarity. I saw outside myself. I saw outside looking in. I was looking at a lost, unhappy girl who just wanted to be loved. I saw her wasting her life away, wasting her time, mind, talents. Only I don't know what to do for her. I don't even know where to begin. The girl I saw was me, is me. I don't like myself very much. I don't care for the company I've been keeping the last few months either. Yet this drug has such a strong hold on me, I don't even know where to begin. I'm so far away from home, I don't even know how to get home. I don't have any money on me after I bought 2 weeks worth of coke off that guy from the liquor store we've been hanging out with. I don't even like coke. I haven't done heroin in a few days because we ran out.  We don't know anyone that sells that around here either.

We moved from the motel we were staying at since we got here. We rented a basement apartment from the liquor store guy. We is only charging us $100.00 in rent, which to me is still too much to pay for this "basement", this ramshackle piece of shit place.