Monday, December 31, 2012

New Years Eve

Wow, a whole year has almost gone by. Tomorrow will be 2013. I have been thinking a lot about the song "New Year's Day" by U2. Good song! I really don't have plans for the new year. I'm still in Palm Springs, still renting a room at the same motel.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

coke, smoke, and a bloke!

I walked around a few blocks near the Palm Springs motel with the guys I'm staying with. We went into the only place open on Christmas, a liquor store. We got to talking to the guy running the place and he gave us his number and told us he sells weed. I guess we look like junkie addicts because the liquor store guy, Damian, invited us to his condo near the airport. I'm always up for an adventure and meeting new people, so I agreed to go hang out with him. Lucky for us, this guy doesn't just occasionally sell weed; he has tons of coke and shit! We barely had any cash on us but we managed to put together about $120.00. I really did not think we would luck out this fast, especially since we just got into this area. Maybe it was a good choice to live here afterall. With this new connection, I don't worry about relying on the dealers in LA.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Rename blog?

I was thinking about renaming my blog here to better fit the time period in my life. I don't want to rename the Scarlett Anonymous part, well--actually yea if I renamed it,would people be able  to find it?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Hope everyone is having an amazzzing  Chistmas!

Goodbye L.A., hello Palm Springs

I left the LA area with two guys, Tim and Jake. We used Jake's camper to drive to Palm Springs. We are staying at the Sunset motel for now. I had to get out of the area and fully away from my family. Do I feel guilty for leaving my parents on Xmas? No. I just don't, sorry. I just can't care anymore.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Episode 6--Sober House 2/ Mike Starr

Episode 6: Jenn becomes unglued when Mike gets in her face and verbally abuses her.

Welcome To My Nightmare-original repost from June 27, 2012


*[Wednesday, June 27, 2012]*

--Welcome to my nightmare. --

*My name is Scarlett and I'm a heroin addict. I have been keeping a diary in so far, 4, spiral notebooks since I entered rehab and I have decided to transfer them to my blog online here.
I've been an alcoholic for about 14 years, pills for about 12 years and I have been, regretfully, a heroin addict for the past 8 months, a year coming this late August/September.
What a hellish journey it has been. Actually, within about 3 months of using things were already steadily falling apart.
I started using for typical reasons. Heroin truly has this glamorization attached to it. I became mentally obsessed and addicted to H years before I ever touched it. I didn't even really know much about it, all I knew was that I wanted it.
So follow me, if you dare, as I let you into my life, my obsession, and my hell. Buckle up! It sure as hell is a bumpy ride!
What made you want to read my blog in the first place? Are you a fellow addict? Then you must understand how I feel. If you are a parent of an addict, I am giving  you a possible glimpse of what your child is up to and what they may be dealing with.*

~~~~~~*~~~~~~*~~~~~~
I always like going back in time, so to speak, and posting my old blog entries from when I started this blog and when I started using heroin. A lot has changed and nothing has changed at the same time. Same addict, same issues, same curiosity, same anger, same life. But at the same time somehow I am not sure if I am in a better place there where I was, where I came from, or is this is it, this is worse? It's sad when you can't tell the difference, everything is equally grim and equally hopeless. So why would I quit? It wasn't great to begin with.

Erotic Jerry Cantrell story

Maybe this is totally inappropriate, I don't know, but I found this and couldn't help but get into it---
----------------
FUN WITH JERRY- written my someone else,Found it on the Literotica website--
"I will be right back Sati." Liz said to the large golden retriever as she hooked the leash around a pole outside the convenient store. The dog sat and looked up at Liz with big brown eyes of understanding. Liz smiled and scratched the furry head before heading into the store. Fifteen minutes later Liz emerged with a couple of bags and Sati being baby talked to by a man with long, dark curly hair.

"Sati, are you flirting again?" Liz smiled as the man stood to greet her. She recognized him immediately as Mike Inez from Alice in Chains, her gaze taking in the large bus parked further away.

"She's a pretty girl." Mike grinned, leaning to pet Sati again. Sati leaned against his leg, pushing him back a step.

"You do realize once she leans you are stuck with her until someone else comes along." Liz smiled, watching him melt under Sati's spell.

"I'm Mike." He grinned shaking her hand.

'I'm Liz and this is Sati, she is sort of a flirt." Liz replied. Mike's head fell back with a laugh as Sean Kinney walked up to them.

"Mike, did you find the only dog around again?" Sean leaned over to pet Sati, who immediately scooted over and leaned into his leg.

"I told you she's a flirt." Liz said

"I see that." Mike chuckled as Sean stood and introduced himself.

"What about the owner? Is she a flirt too?" Sean asked, his voice laced with humor.

"God I hope not since she is married to my best friend." Liz stated, smirking at their confused looks. "I'm the dog sitter, but I love her like she was my own, right Sati." The dog looked at Liz and moved, her tail wagging expectantly.

Sati pulled at the leash, ready to move on. Liz unhooked Sati from the pole and excused herself from Mike and Sean. She was going to ask for autographs but they seemed so nice she didn't want to break the vibe or annoy them.

As the guys went into the store, she and Sati found a picnic table in the shade and Liz un-wrapped a loaded foot long hot dog from the bag and a jar of spicy pickle slices. She was talking to Sati, asking the dog if she maybe should have got an autograph or at least a picture. The dog watched her closely, not because of what she was saying, but because she was clearing off part of the hot dog for Sati.

Mike and Sean stopped as they came out of the store, watching as Liz put a travel bowl down and filled it with bottled water for Sati, talking to her during the process. They both wondered about her sanity and grinned, deciding to join her.

"Would you like some more company?" Mike asked as he and Sean sat at the picnic table across from her and Sati. Liz smiled and nodded, moving her stuff out of the way.

Sean questioned her ability to eat the foot long even after she started pulling chunks off for a patiently waiting Sati. Jerry Cantrell and Will Duvall ambled out to the picnic table as Liz was opening the jar of spicy pickles.

"What's going on over here?" Will asked, casually grabbing the other end of Liz's bench, leaving the spot next to her for Jerry.

"Mike and the dog were flirting so Liz and I thought we better chaperone." Sean quipped making Liz laugh as she fought the jar of pickles. Jerry politely took the jar from her and gave it a quick twist, handing it back after hearing the seal pop. Mike introduced her as she added spicy pickle slices to her already heaping hot dog.

"I have to stick around long enough to see you attempt to eat that." Sean snickered as they all watched her neaten the pile. Before putting the lid on the pickles she held the jar out.

"Anyone want a spicy pickle?" Liz asked setting the jar on the table. She watched their reactions as they snickered at her question.

"I told you they never get past twelve." Liz leaned over and told Sati, who was still sitting beside her. That comment made them laugh as a few of them reached for the jar. Mike and Will decided the hot dog looked good and went to get their own, leaving Sean and Jerry to watch her attempt the first bite.

Liz answered a few questions and soon Mike and Will were back with foot longs for the rest of them. Jerry grabbed the pickle jar and heaped his dog with the spicy slices, making Liz grin in his direction.

"You hit his soft spot with the pickles; he will probably follow you home now." Sean teased when Jerry put the jar back on table.

"Maybe, you got a pool?" Jerry chuckled.

Liz looked at Jerry and thought that wouldn't be all bad for a night. His eyes looked a bit tired and aged, but otherwise he was still handsome and gave off a sexy aura. Feeling herself stare she shook her head and took another bite.

"I can't believe you ate all that, you must have a hollow leg." Sean said as they had all finished eating.

"It's the left one, later I will pop it off and empty it, bulimia of the leg." Liz said seriously, her lips twitching as she tried not to laugh.

"If nothing else you are creative. What do you do for a living besides watch over dogs?" Sean asked chuckling.

Liz told them she was a photographer, specialized in underwater but also did other forms. She was house/dog sitting for friends for a couple weeks, then off to Florida to photograph a shipwreck.

"No husband or boyfriend?" Mike asked.

"No." Liz said casually, looking up to find them watching her curiously.

"My husband was killed in a car accident six years ago." Liz stated, catching them by surprise. "I've tried a few boyfriends but honestly with my schedule it's hard to pin me down for too long."

"It's ok" Liz smiled when the guys started apologizing. "We had a great marriage and I feel lucky. It's not like I turned into a nun, I get out now and then and when I want to get laid I do it, no worries." Liz laughed at their surprised expressions.

"Come on, if anybody would understand I figured it would be a rock band. Don't tell me you guys have never screwed anyone just because you wanted to with no strings attached." She pointed out. They all shrugged knowing she had a point.

Baldy, the band's long time traveling companion, showed up at that point and the guys introduced Liz to him before he said they needed to get a move on. Liz finally got the courage to ask them for a picture so she could show it off to her friends. They laughingly agreed as she pulled a Nikon camera out of her shoulder bag. After making a few adjustments, she gave Baldy a quick lesson with the camera and posed with the band for a few shots.

The guys were having fun posing in silly positions. During one pose Jerry had his arms around her and his hand lightly rubbed her breast.

"Get a good feel?" Liz whispered to Jerry while he pulled his arms away. He grinned and nodded, dipping her back after Baldy said he should give her a "Hollywood kiss." Liz kicked her leg out with a giggle until Jerry pressed his lips to hers. Sparks shot through her as his tongue tasted her lips and she gave a barely audible moan.

It was over before she knew it and felt him lifting her back to her feet. Quickly composing herself she felt the guys all huddle around her, Jerry and Sean on each side, Mike and Will on the outside. She called Sati over and had her sit in front of them.

Liz thanked them for the photos and company, each of them giving her a hug and patting Sati on the head. Jerry hugged her saying he would be right back. While he jogged to the bus she found paper and pen and wrote her cell phone number down. What the hell, he was hot and she was suddenly horny. Jerry came back with a couple of passes, one said Media and the other said VIP/All Access/Pkg.

"Come to our next show and take pictures, I might know some interested people if they are good." Liz nodded and thanked him, handing him the slip of paper with her number.

"In case you are interested or just want to talk." Jerry looked at the paper, smiled and nodded, and then he was gone.

Two days later Liz was in her Miata humming along the freeway to the concert. It was a six hour drive and she had the neighbors take Sati so she didn't have to drive back after the show.

The music blared from her stereo, the top was down and wind whipped through her hair. She had a Canon camera, the passes, and a small overnight bag. Her 5'4" frame had on slim blue jeans and a stretchy, white v-neck shirt, and her feet were clad in white tennis shoes.

She smiled thinking she didn't look too bad for just turning 40. She was starting to get some laugh lines around her mouth, but her dark blonde hair with natural highlights and wide green eyes kept her looking younger. Her body was slim and toned from exercise and yoga.

The miles passed quickly as she daydreamed about Jerry's lips and how they felt against hers. She wondered what it would feel like to be naked next to him, their bodies rubbing and generating heat. She shifted slightly, realizing she was making herself wet thinking about it. She willed herself to think about her next job and which lenses to use and how to get the perfect lighting. This kept her mind busy until she pulled into the hotel.

Liz arrived at the concert an hour before show time and was amused at how her VIP pass put her in special parking leading to backstage. She still had to walk, but it wasn't the mass of cars she had seen out front. Slipping backstage she wandered around, eventually bumping into Baldy.

"Hey, it's the hot dog girl! You made it! I will show you where to go." Baldy grinned, leading her through hallways and down a stairway and out in front of the stage. He pointed to the area between the stage and rail and produced a package containing a pair of earplugs.

"You are going to need those being that close. Good luck and I am sure we will see you later." Baldy said, giving her arm a squeeze and releasing her to the security. She smiled at the security guy and introduced herself, showing him her passes and camera. He didn't smile back but allowed her to walk past him.

"Too many steroids for macho man." Liz thought as she scanned the stage and the area.

The concert started and Liz was glad she had the earplugs, the bass and drums were vibrating through her. Working around a couple other people shooting pictures and video, and the line security guys, she started on Mike's side. When he saw Liz in front of him he grinned and nodded recognition. She finger waved at him, making him laugh. He has such a contagious smile that Liz tried catching it from many angles.

Next was Will and she finger waved at him too, laughing when he did it back. Will was epic and his vocals were strong, impressing the crap out of Liz. She scooted to the edge of the stage and zoomed in on Sean. Busy adjusting her lens she didn't see Jerry walk up to her until his feet took over the view finder. Moving her camera up she took a picture of his crotch, smiling at what the bulge hinted at. She backed away a few steps and focused on him as he went into a solo. When the solo was done Jerry winked at her and moved back to his mic.

Liz moved back and forth, taking pictures of the band and audience from every angle she could think of. She adjusted settings to get different lighting results and moved in uncomfortable positions to get the job done. When the show ended she knew she had some good ones to share.

Finding her way backstage was easier than she thought, flashing her pass and asking where to find Baldy. Liz asked for him because she didn't want to sound like a groupie asking where the band was. She eventually found him and he led her to the dressing rooms. Liz imagined a small room with a lighted mirror and was surprised to find it had a sitting area and a couple separate rooms.

Liz took a seat, suddenly nervous and feeling out of place. Baldy came back and handed her bottled water, taking the seat next to her. He asked how she liked the show and they chatted about it and the audience, and then moved on to general news. By the time the band came out Liz was feeling relaxed.

"It's the hot dog girl Liz!" Sean announced as he dropped next to her. "How's the hollow leg? Did you get any good pictures of me?" Sean asked grabbing her camera. Liz powered up the camera and showed him how to scan through the photos, laughing at his crazy comments.

"These are pretty good Jerry." Baldy said as Jerry walked into the room. Baldy had moved behind Liz and Sean and was looking over their shoulders at the pictures. Jerry sauntered over and scooted Liz until she was almost on his lap. The guys laughed at the crotch shot she had taken of Jerry.

"What are you going to do with that one?" Jerry chuckled as Mike joined the group.

"Masturbate." Liz sighed turning red, not believing she said that out loud. Sean, Mike, and Baldy howled with laughter and Jerry raised his eyebrows at her.

"Interesting." Jerry chuckled, moving her a little further onto his lap. Liz could see the grin tugging at his lips and thought she better get control. She wiggled her ass against his crotch a few times before moving to the chair next to him. Jerry shook his head at her with a grin before getting up to mingle.

Liz hung around as people kept showing up. She mingled but after an hour she was feeling her age and decided to say 'Fuck it'. She didn't need to get laid that bad anyway.

"I'm heading out, please tell the guys thanks for me." Liz told Baldy when she found him.

"Are you sure?" he asked, reading more into her simple statement.

"It's my 40th birthday and a nice quiet drink is what I need." Liz confessed in his ear. Baldy nodded and said he would be right back. She waited near the door until Baldy reappeared with Jerry.

"Happy birthday hot dog girl." Baldy smiled, giving her a peck on the cheek and heading back into the crowd.

"You should have said it was your birthday, what do you want little girl?" Jerry chuckled, his eyes taking her in.

"Listen Jerry, you don't need to do any special favors because it's my birthday, you are obviously busy and I will be fine on my own." Liz smiled, pushing away from him. Jerry gently pushed her back against the wall and leaned in until their faces were inches apart.

"I didn't come over to offer a favor for your birthday, I came because I want to fuck you and I know you want to fuck me. So why don't we get out of here and do that?" Jerry whispered seductively, lightly kissing her lips. Liz nodded in agreement, grabbing his hand and pulling him out the door.

Jerry pulled his hair back in a ponytail with a baseball cap as they headed to her car.

"Cute car, it fits you well." He grinned as she sped out of the venue towards the hotel.

At the hotel, Liz led Jerry to the elevator and when the doors closed he pushed her back against the wall and started kissing her. His hands were warm against her skin, sliding their way up her shirt. When the door dinged open they pulled apart and hurried to her room, quickly opening the door.

Jerry leaned her against the closing door, kissing her as he pulled her shirt up. Liz reached up and pulled the ball cap off and tossed it on to a nearby chair. Her fingers quickly unbuttoned his shirt and peeled it off his arms, dropping it in the chair with his hat.

Jerry yanked her shirt over her head and unhooked her bra, kissing her as he rubbed his hands over her bare skin. His arms wrapped around her waist and he lifted her up to him, her legs wrapping around his waist while he walked to the bed.

Once Liz was standing again she unzipped his jeans and pulled them down, marveling at the large penis they were concealing. Jerry stepped out of his jeans and yanked hers down, along with her panties. Then they studied each other, taking in the other's naked form.

Jerry sat her down on the edge of the bed and knelt in front of her, kissing her deeply. Then he moved down her chest to her nipples, taking each into his mouth and flicking it with his tongue. Liz arched her back as she moaned in pleasure, her fingers running through his hair.

Moving down her stomach Jerry pushed her back onto the bed and draped her legs over his shoulders. His fingers spread her lips and his tongue tasted the wetness already there. His tongue went back and forth from stabbing her hole to sliding up and flicking her clit, sometimes stopping to suck it. Liz was writhing on the bed, getting a good dose of how talented this man really was. He then slid a long finger into her wetness and curled it slightly.

Liz lost control as she called his name, soaking his face as he continued to lick her. She managed to scramble up the bed away from him to lay there and catch her breath. Jerry crawled up next to her, his eyes dark with lust but a smile on his face.

"Was that my birthday present?" Liz gasped.

"Part of it." Jerry whispered, kissing her tenderly.

Damn he is a good kisser, Liz thought as she lost herself in his kisses. Getting her senses back, Liz rolled him over on his back and whispered in his ear "my turn." Jerry smiled as she kissed his neck and moved across his chest, lightly flicking each nipple with her tongue. Moving down she kissed a path across his stomach to the prize.

Liz held his penis, studying the contours, and then tracing them with her tongue. She licked the length of his shaft before easing it into her mouth. She smiled as Jerry groaned when she licked the tip with her tongue while it was in her mouth. She slowly moved it in and out while rubbing the shaft with her hand and licking the tip with her tongue. She slipped her other hand down and massaged his balls, listening to him groan as she did it all in rhythm.

"Fuck!" Jerry growled as he pulled her away and rolled on top of her. He kissed her hard and shoved into her wetness, slowing when he felt how tight she was. He created a gentle rhythm until she stretched to accommodate his size.

Liz wrapped her legs around him and started matching his thrusts, crying out when her orgasm hit. Jerry felt her contract around him and lost control. His thrusts became harder as he unloaded his orgasm, grunting into her neck.

Jerry lifted up and Liz looked into his eyes with a smile. "Wow" was all she could say. He grinned and kissed Liz before rolling off of her.

"Yeah, me too."

Liz and Jerry were stretched out on the bed naked, talking about current events, music, and whatever happened to be in their heads. Liz couldn't keep herself from looking at his face or his body.

"Like what you see?" Jerry teased, catching her studying him.

"Yes, do you?" Liz teased back, knowing he was doing the same to her.

"You are damn fine." He drawled, pulling her closer.

Liz rolled on top and straddled him, her hands running across his chest and shoulders. She kissed him gently, taking her time to lightly nip his lips and move on to his neck. Jerry's hands felt their way across her back to her bottom, giving it a squeeze before moving on.

Liz felt Jerry's erection hardening as they unhurriedly kissed and studied each other's bodies with their hands. Jerry lifted her slightly and slid his hand across her bottom and between her legs. Liz gasped when he started running a finger through her lips, spreading the moistness to her clit.

Jerry's fingers kept up their motion causing her to moan as she kissed his neck, her body rocking against his hand. Liz came quickly, biting his neck as the sensations pulsed through her.

She lifted up and slid him into her, moaning as he filled her. Liz grasped his hands for support as she moved her hips against him, creating a gently increasing rhythm. Jerry enjoyed watching her have control and the pleasure she was giving him in her movements. When Liz went into another orgasm she pushed him in deeper and ground her clit against his groin, her head falling back lost in pleasure.

Jerry groaned when she came, feeling her wetness build as she continually moved her hips. When Liz slowed, he lifted her off and climbed to his knees. Liz moved to the headboard and grasped it as Jerry entered her again, feeling his full size.

Dreary day

Nothing much going on today. I don't think I'm working at the club tonight so I'm just sitting around the house, nothing much going on.
 

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Post from July 13, 2012

For some reason I am really getting a kick out of reading my posts from the past...."This past week alone I already had several downfalls. 1st Downfall-Copping on my own on Sunday because I was sick as shit in withdrawal and that day I wasn't able to get a hold of Dre so I had to cop because I felt like shit and I was not going to return home empty handed and sick. 2nd Downfall- Monday finally seeing Dre, he gave me 4 Suboxone strips and a small amount of heroin and sent me home. Only I didn't go straight home. I went to Angie's and bought about 7 Xanax's. Within a 3 hour period I took all 7 and that's when I mixed it with the Suboxone strips and the heroin. Because I was high as hell, almost to the point of overdosing, I got the grand idea of going to the city and stripping. <--- 3rd Downfall."

[[It's My Decision to End My Addiction

July 13, 2012
Well I did it. I threw away then paper that had Dre and Angie's addresses on it. I memorized how to get to Dre's house without needed anything written down at this point but it was the symbol and action of throwing the address paper away that truly helped me quit, try to quit, this entire addiction once and for all. I felt so guilty for hurting my mom when she found out about me going to the strip club-and I have been feeling guilty about this entire addiction, lying, stealing, ect.- that I have to get out.  I don't know what will happen next. Is Dre a bad guy? No. He has tried to get me to quit for weeks. He gave me methadone and suboxones- not at once- to help me get off H and not get sick but I practically ignore him. He wanted to take me to meetings and I ignore-so he tries to help, he isn't bad but at the same time, he will still take my money and still let me buy H. What do I mean let me? No one can stop me but me. It's my decision and no one else needs to help me but I should be appreciative that I am not around truly crappy people and I am around those that want to help. Even Rob..I can't stand him but he has been regretting that he ever gave me that first hit of H in the first place months ago. I have been tired and frustrated in this addiction for months now and I have been dragging my feet-not wanting to buy it, not wanting to steal to get money, not wanting to constantly be poor because I'm wasting my money on this shit. It's not a fun lifestyle at all to be in a heroin addiction and hey-if I am finally trying to get out, then good. This past week alone I already had several downfalls. 1st Downfall-Copping on my own on Sunday because I was sick as shit in withdrawal and that day I wasn't able to get a hold of Dre so I had to cop because I felt like shit and I was not going to return home empty handed and sick. 2nd Downfall- Monday finally seeing Dre, he gave me 4 Suboxone strips and a small amount of heroin and sent me home. Only I didn't go straight home. I went to Angie's and bought about 7 Xanax's. Within a 3 hour period I took all 7 and that's when I mixed it with the Suboxone strips and the heroin. Because I was high as hell, almost to the point of overdosing, I got the grand idea of going to the city and stripping. <--- 3rd Downfall. So in only what, 3 days, I went to hell in a hand basket, each situation worst than the one before it. I'm not the only one going through this. I have been hurting my parents for years in this addiction. God only knows what is next, and I know Him or angels or someone or something has kept me alive this long and kept me from getting arrested and I know that I have to quit  forever before something awful happens. Thankfully I haven't had any withdrawal symptoms yet but just in case I do get that I have 1 more Suboxone strip left. I have to change my behavior, want better in my life and.....just change my mentality and stop being so self hating and negative and BS-that mentality is what drives my addiction! I CHOOSE to do stupid stuff. Copping on my own was my own DECISION. Yes I was at the mercy of withdrawals and a slave to heroin but that was still a choice. Stripping was my DECISION-another awful and dangerous choice, but still a choice nonetheless. So what's next? My decision to quit......]]

{From July 11,2012] Short Story

REMEMBER THIS?

[[actually did write a little short story-silly-and sexy/erotic so here you go. I fantasize about being married to Sean Kinney-he is super attractive and actually a smart guy.  I love what he had to say in an interview on Youtube about his own addiction struggles. For once I saw the sensitive, serious side of him. I could relate to a lot of what he said.
-------
--------remember, THIS IS MY FICTIONAL STORY---------
Plot- Sean and I have been married for 2 years, we have a 1 year old daughter named Sarah. Whenever Sean is playing a nearby gig in Seattle, I sometimes go and check the band out and sometimes I take our daughter with us. So, one particular night during a show that I go to alone, I end up silently suffering the toughest horror and feeling the worst shame over. One of AIC's [Alice in Chains'] male fans, a jealous man who knew that I married Sean, ends up attacking and raping me and so I find a security guard and reporting the attack. As the guard chases and finds the man who attacked me, the show is stopped mid-song, early in their set, maybe an hour into their set, and the band alters what happened to me immediately and as Jerry apologized to the crowd about stopping the show, he didn't say anything specific out of privacy for me, Sean bolts up from behind his drum kit, almost knocking the kit over, and runs to me backstage. He hugs me and caresses my back. He gave me a strong but quick kiss on my lips and forehead. "Scarlett, sweet heart, I'm so sorry," Sean says as he tries to catch his breath. 
"Do the fans in the crowd know now?" I asked, looking at Jerry.
"No, it's not their business. We apologized and walked back here," Jerry explained.
"I know you wouldn't say anything, thank you," I replied and turned back to Sean. His eyes were filling up with tears. "I feel so embarrassed," tears began to run down my bruised cheeks as well. I grabbed Sean's arm and buried my face in his chest. Sean rested his head on mine, closed his eyes and motioned the other guys to leave us alone. They took his direction and left to another area. After a few minutes, Sean sat me down, gave me a bottle of water and disappeared with the guard. Before long, rumors began to circulate like wildfire backstage about Sean  beating the shit out of the guy that attacked me while the guard held the guy's arms back and allowed the fight. Sean repeatedly punched and broke this guy's ribs, nose, jaw. Horrified, I questioned Sean when he returned. "You're gonna get arrested!" I yelled at him.
"Scarlett, he raped you! Let them arrest me, I don't fucking care! I love you so I hurt him like he hurt you. If someone hurts someone I love, I'm going after them," Sean replied. He looked deeply and passionately into my eyes. I collapsed into his arms and he held me tight. My eyes rolled back and my body went limp. He tried to sit me up but I'd fall on him each time. "Scarlett!" Sean yelled as he laid me down and lightly slapped my face to try and wake me up. I slightly opened my eyes and held my stomach and became to cry.
"Scarlett!" Sean yelled again as he grabbed his cell phone and called an ambulance. Several others gathered around us as Sean tried CPR on me. He wrapped his leather jacket around me as he noticed I was shivering. I was getting chills, nausea and stomach pain. He noticed blood running down my inner thighs. "Oh God, Scarlett, you're bleeding!" Sean said just as paramedics came running to us. Sean pushed everyone away for privacy.
"Sean, baby, I'm in so much pain! I need to throw up," I whispered. I could hardly talk or breath. Just as I warned, I began throwing up blood and bits of food. Sean made sure I sat up so I wouldn't choke and held back my hair.
"Are you pregnant, ma'am?" The paramedic asked as he opened his tool box.
"No that I no of, no. No, we aren't trying," I replied. I stayed sitting up.
The only people in the room now were me, Sean, the paramedics, Jerry, and Mike. Within 5 minutes I got in the ambulance with Sean and we rode to the hospital.
They put me in an examination room on the delivery/OBGYN floor of the hospital. They gave me a pregnancy test and hooked me up to an iv for fluids and pain medicine. Sean sat beside me. Everyone else went home from the concert venue. 
The doctor came back into the room about 15 minutes later, holding my chart. He had a slight smile on his face. "Congratulations are in order from this ordeal, ma'am," Dr. Holden said as he shut the door behind him.
"Why?" I asked as I sat up. Sean stood up to shake the doctor's hand after I had.
"Well, you are pregnant. 4 months to be exact. The bleeding and pain was from slight injury to the baby. We have to schedule a sonogram right away," Dr. Holden explained. For some reason he was acting very calm. He assured us that no major damage was done inside from the attack.
"Oh Scarlett, baby......Um, oh Lord....how soon? We have to save the baby!" Sean said as he began crying again, rubbing my arm and kissing me. I couldn't speak. I was shocked. How could I be pregnant?
"Doctor, we weren't trying. I haven't even been getting any symptoms," I said.
"Well, you're lucky! But now that this happened, I'm very sorry, we have to do a sonogram to make sure everything's okay."
"Do you think the baby needs to come out?" I asked. 
"Honestly, I'm a little afraid because of what happened. Let's do one now, shall we?" The doctor turned on the machine and began the procedure.
-----END...silly huh?]]

In the Moment

I just wanted to upload an post this picture of what my current plans are for tonight: Jack Daniels + my good friend.....

Long Overdue Posting!

Hello everyone~ I am super sorry! I haven't posted in a long time, I know! I just wanted to start off by saying Happy Thanksgiving! How was everyone's holiday? Another thing I want to point out, which has been making me very say recently is that it's almost Christmas time coming up and that's what has been making me feel lonely. I think that's why I decided to jump on my blog here and post something. I'm sure you all are wondering what the heck happened to me!

What has been going on with me? Well 2 weeks ago I left my parent's house and moved in with a stripper friend I know named Dina and her drug dealing boyfriend. I had to get out of there. I'm still living in the Hollywood area. With the days getting colder and darker I did not want to move back to Seattle, that's for sure!
I started working at a club that Dina has been dancing at for 2 years. Of course with her boyfriend being a dealer, I got back into full blown heroin use. I can't help it, he cuts me a pretty damn good deal! I have only been working  a few nights a week dancing because that's pretty much all I can handle at this point. I can't go back to the full time crazy nights like I used to.

I haven't talked to Rob in weeks. I'm doing fine without him anyway.

Monday, November 26, 2012

The oddest thing happened today

I thought I was done with Rob and that whole life but I guess not. A few hours ago Rob's mother called my phone asking who I was and if I had anything to do with Rob getting caught selling. I don't even know why my number is still in his phone.  I thought it was done with me for good. So that was really awkward. I hate that when you think you are out of the drug lifestyle, you really aren't. There is so much baggage that follows you!

Friday, November 23, 2012

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

I had a delicious dinner at my parent's house last night. I felt like I was really a part of the family and that they were glad that I returned home. I'm still full and eating more as we speak. Sadly, I think this is the most food I have eaten in weeks. My aunt from WA even came down to visit. I'm glad she didn't say anything about me staying with her.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Downfall

Well I know I haven't posted anything in a while now, sorry for that! Rob ended up getting caught selling so I had to leave his house and now I'm back with my parents. I have to quit for good. I have to be good, stay sober, go to the programs again and I know that by doing all of that, I'll have a better life. One of the clubs I worked at in Seattle called me to ask if I wanted to dance again. The manager didn't know I left Seattle and that I'm in California now again so I told him no. Other than that I think I'm doing good. Well, no how can I be doing good when I'm still wrapped up in this mess? I'm actually a week sober, 7 days, so that's a plus.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Here I go again...

I met back up with Rob and since he's still selling we ended up joining into what we think is a genius plan-we are selling together. I still have that job that I just got at the club so I know that's going to be the perfect place to start. Rob said I'll get half of whatever I sell and get to stay at his place. There's no way I'll be able to do this and live at my parent's, no way, and we got to keep this secret so there's only one way to do this successfully-I have to live with him. I am partial to this but I know that it'll work so I'm really not that bothered by it.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Dream Job!

Wow, everything has completely turned around for me!! I ended up flying back to LA using the plane ticket my mom bought for me. I just got in this morning. Yesterday, since I knew I would be coming back to LA, I applied for a job as a club promoted in Hollywood and I got the job! It's a regular dance club, not a strip club. I'm totally finished with those places. So I start tonight!  I'm glad I came back to LA because I was feeling really suicidal, unhappy, depressed and so sick of this drug life. That's why I wanted to come back to live with my parents for a little while, attend some meetings, get around positive people and get a job. Well, I did it, thank God!

Monday, November 5, 2012

Happy Monday

I had quite an uneventful weekend, sad to say. I actually haven't gotten high in 2 days, which I'm feeling a little weird about. I'm glad but at the same time I miss it. But hey at least a saved some money. I haven't really been talking to any guys or anyone. I am still in Seattle even though I contemplated going back home to LA. My mom was supposed to mail me a ticket but that never happened. Honestly, I haven't even heard from her since mid last week. I'm sure things are fine but I don't know what's going on. I feel fine, I'm a little tired right now but I'll get along just fine, I'm sure.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I can't keep drowning myself

These feelings are becoming so overwhelming I can't continue anymore. I have to get out of this-not just the drugs but the whole shit lifestyle surrounding it. I have to get away from this town, these good for nothing people, these so called "friends". I'm making the same mistakes here that I made in LA but I have to, I want to, make a serious final change. I am so sick and tired of numbing myself, my emotions, etc. What brought on this change you might ask? I am simply too unhappy to bother with all of this. I'm done, finished. Forever. I am thinking about contacting my mom and getting her to buy me a plane ticket back to LA.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

This is the time that  I wish I was back in LA! Seriously! I'm sure Seattle is just as fun on Halloween night though. I have plans too!! The cop that I told you about the other day, well he called me up and asked me to go to a bar with him and his friend's party so I accepted. It'll be fun!  I need an outing with a normal person. A normal, fun, social outing! what is everyone else doing tonight? Any fun plans? I didn't spend a lot of time planning a costume since I didn't expect to go anywhere, so I'll just do the typical thing-dress up as someone sexy, put blood everywhere and be "dead". hahaha

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

New man in my life

There's a regular at this new job I got and he has taken a liking to me-what's new? Seriously, I don't know much about him other than he is a cop, has been a cop for only about 3 years, he's 30 years old, has lived in Seattle all of his life and apparently, well, hopefully, he is single. I forgot to ask about that part-but it really doesn't matter to me because I really don't want to get involved with someone seriously now, especially not now with all the mess that's going on in my life. Well, I could look at it two ways-I could totally ignore him, throw the interest and possibility away, or I could look at it as a good thing-he could be the one to save me, help me, get me away from heroin and away from the shit existence I made for myself. I think it's worth a shot, I think. It's not a matter of me thinking that I don't think I'm worth it-trust me, I don't care to put up with losers like Zach and Rob in and out of my life. I want someone better than that. I want someone real.  I want to see this as the push I need to get out of this lifestyle for good.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Got a new job!

I had to get out of the strip club, I just had to do it. I got a job at a clothing store, a little boutique and I know they won't test me because-well, actually the store belongs to a pin up model in the area and I know for sure that she does cocaine and she knows I do heroin so I know she won't bother testing me so I don't have to worry. I'm still hanging around the same people but I know I'm in a better environment and state of mind if I don't strip anymore. I had such a shitty day yesterday. Well, on Friday I hung out with Zach. Then on Saturday I rested for most of the day, worked at the club at night and then on Sunday I totally zoned out, slept all damn day, high as hell and I just let it happen. 

I actually found out that some other patient's at my rehab that are more well known went to Hollywood this weekend for a movie premiere. One of the counselor's had his movie premiere and a few people that I went to rehab with went to support him. That's why I miss being in LA-for the fun times like that. I am mentioning this because I got invited-they didn't know I left LA-and I had to break down and tell one of them that I ran away, started using again and now am in Seattle. Surely they weren't too happy about it but you know what, I gotta do what I gotta do-what I think I have to do anyway. I'm glad for them though. They are getting their name out there and getting known as actors. I think that's why they went on that show anyway, to be seen, of course. I can't blame them. Heck, it's why I chose to go to that rehab in the first place! 

So I got this new job at a respectful place with some what respectful people and I feel good about that. I really feel like going to the library or book store just to get out. I'm just going to finish doing this big fat shot and then I'll be on my way!

Spead The Word!

If you know of anybody that would enjoy reading my blog, let them read it! I recently have gotten some offers to be posted on other well known blog company websites so that's neat. Also, you have my permission to post my blog URL on message boards, other blogs, etc to promote it, so to speak. 

[If you have a blog of your own, we can work together to promote each others blogs.]


Thank you!

Saturday, October 27, 2012

lazy Saturday

I didn't wake up until 10 am. I stayed out past midnight lastnight so I was super tired this morning. I get the feeling that she escorts during the day and dances at night just to make enough money for her child, her 2 year old daughter, Layla, who stays with Charlene's mom. Anyway so I woke up to an empty house, which isn't out of the ordinary for me, and I just lounged around the house for a few hours. I went to work at the club a few hours ago. My shift starts from 6pm until 1am. I enjoyed my time with Zach last night but I really can't get too attached again, emotionally. I really can't afford to have him rip my heart up again. Some girls are going to a halloween party tonight and I wanted to go with Zach but personally I would rather stay at work and make the money that I know I need to make, especially now.

Friday, October 26, 2012

The perfect night for a serenade

Out of no where, out of the blue, I saw Zach, huddled in a corner of  the club I dance at, with his guitar, watching me. Turns out he has been watching me dance for a few nights now. I don't know why he never bothered to come up to me and tell me that he was back in the area again. We spent a few hours together tonight after I got off of my shift. We sat on a secluded park bench near a busy road. He played a few new songs for me which I enjoyed. Sometimes I feel like he just likes to psycholically fuck with my feelings so I don't even allow myself to get interested in him that way anymore. I am pretty sure I can just be friendly and social and not try to push myself on him. He's still the same way with his constant cocky and self loathing depressed attitude. I can always rely on him for that one of a kind personality that he has. He went back to his motel room an hour ago and I continued to walk around the area. I just got back to where I'm staying, with one of the girls that dances at the same club I do. I was glad to see him again. I was really glad to see him. He gets exhausting after a while with his mentality but he's still good company.

Charlie

I met up with this new guy today at the club, his name is Charlie and he is a known dealer for the area that I live in. I am still in Seattle and I went back to working at the club. I had no where else to go really and they gladly took me back, of course. I started dancing there again late lastnight and then I called up Charlie to come meet me. Surprisnly the owner's cool with him so he is allowed to come into the club and sell. The cops don't even bother with him-well, the type of cops that do h themselves anyway. 

So that's what I've been up to lately. I figured I'd stay in Seattele a little longer until I decide to go back to LA-if I ever decide to go back that is. My aunt called me a yesterday to check on me. I lied and told her I got an office temp job in the city and got a small place of my own-with what money I don't know, but it doesn't matter anyway because she believed me, so it's fine. She never digs too deep with questioning me, not like my mom does. So I didn't have to tell her too much.  

I think at about 115 pounds now. I remember when I started using heroin I was 145 then I went down to 125 in a few months. That's really the best part about this-the weight loss! When I was living with my parents and using, my mom actually congratulated my loss so of course I liked that attention so I kept right on going using heroin, the only issue was that my mom never really knew where my loss was coming from, she just liked that it was happening. That has pretty much been the story of my life anyway; I can get away with almost anything when it comes to my parents.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

going to a show

A friend of mine is playing in his band tonight an I get to go for free. I just met this guy at a billiards club place the other night.  I make friends fast dont I? ;) Anyway so things have been going good for me today. I have been texting Rob for the last hour or so and he has been telling me about his latest selling adventures. He officially moved into Dre's house the other day and he is loving it. Of course he is, he has somewhere to live now! Good for him, I'm happy for him seriously because things really seem to be working out for him now. Finally, huh?
I'm just planning out my outfit to wear for tonight. I have to take the bus there because it's in the next city so I have to leave about 2 hours early.
I'll let you all know how my night goes! Hopefully I can score some heroin or coke before I leave tonight!

Rock n Roll!!!

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I guess I got what I wanted

I didn't want to live a normal 9-5 straight life, I knew that. Well now I have what I wanted. I've had what I wanted for months now and all I want to do is complain. I always saw such fascination in living an altered life. I enjoyed watching movies and reading books and journals about and by runways, drug addicts- I actually wanted that for my very own life. I can't sit here an say I'm entirely happy but I'm glad I'm away from my parents and family. I'm glad I'm away from my aunt. She became just as controlling as my parent's got. How long does this have to go on before I just give up and let go? Why can't I just be content and happy in living a normal, nice, happy, positive, youthful existence? I can't. I'm 28 and I can't be or even try to be the person that I know society wants me to be. I just want to be able to let go so badly! I want to just give up, let go, stop making shit in my life ten times more difficult than it has to be- for me and for my family.

I'm breaking down and saying all this shit because I just got a call from my mother and I can't help but think that I deserve to suffer. Yes, I said it; I feel I deserve to feel hurt and shitty because I sure as hell hurt my parents. I answered my mother's phone call and she basically said that she wants me to return home to California, go back to their house, find a nice part time job. That's fine but I can't stop using heroin. I'm sorry but I won't even try to quit. It's my only freaking coping mechanism. My only one that works! Why the hell can't I just go back home? I can go back to Los Angeles, go live with Rob. That's an option! I don't know if Rob would go for it but I think it's worth a try!

What do you all think I should do? Should I stay here in Seattle and try to look for work and start a new life here? Or, should I go back to California, go live with Rob and see if that would work out? Or, should I go back to live with my parents?

Midnight (1982)

This is the perfect movie to see on Halloween--

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082744/
Midnight Poster

Midnight (1982)

91 min  -  Horror  -   31 December 1982 (USA)
A teenage girl runs away from home because police officer/stepfather puts the moves on her. Hitchhiking to California, she's picked up by two guys who are also traveling cross-country. Along the way, they decide to camp out in the woods and run across a family of Satanists who keep their dead mother in the attic.
 

taking charge

I finally left that damn strip joint. Boy was Eddie, the owner, surprised. I just had to do it, I had to step up for myself. I want better and I want things to work out. So I spent most of last night and some of today looking for other places to work. Even if it's a retail job that's fine. I tried calling Rob earlier, I don't know why. I miss him, that's why. Why else would I bother? We talked about Dre for a little while then we talked about how much luck he, Rob, is having with his new selling position. Oh, I forgot to tell you! When Dre died, Rob was promoted in Dre's place as a seller in the area that Dre lived in. So, now Rob has a house because of it! Well, Rob basically moved into Dre's place. Maybe I should go back to California now that Rob has a place to live. Maybe I really can't hack it here in Seattle. I still haven't been able to find that girl that I used to talk to. She hasn't been working at the club she used to dance at in a week now. I don't even know why i bother befriending their wayward people. I do it because I'm lonely being out here alone, even with Zach around, it's as if I'm still alone. I might as well be. I'm surely living like it.That's what I should dedicate the rest of my day today to, finding new friends. Finding friends that a little more stable, a little more with it. That's a plan.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Wish I could do better

I don't know why I agreed to work at another lousy strip joint. Is that all I can do? Is that all I'm worth? I guess so. Hey, I'm the one allowing all this to happen. I'm just letting it all unfold and I'm tripping an falling on it, not even trying to move out of the way. Well, it's a nice day so I better make use of it. I don't have to go into the club until later tonight. I'm staying with a girlfriend of mine that works at the club during my shift. I don't know why i didn't think bout this before but I haven't seen that girl that I said looks like Demri. I haven't seen her around in a few days actually. I guess I just planned my day; I'm going to spend a few hours asking around about her. What was her name again anyway?............

coke

does the background of my blog remind you of coke? Just a thought....

Old friends, new news

Zach came back to Seattle. I saw him at  bar the other night. He told me that he decided to return after he found out from his sister that his mother was murdered on Friday. I only met his mother once a few months ago. I don't know exactly what happened or who killed her but Zach has a suspicion that it was his mother's neighbor. The neighbor is was actually Zach's mother's drug dealer and so I'm thinking that he killed her over a bad deal, I don't know, but that's obviously still really sad. Zach didn't know how else to handle it other than to run away again. He had to be close to me, finally. Well  I'm glad. I'm not glad that his mother died, of course, but I'm glad that Zach came back to me to keep me company. I started working at another club and it's close by to the bar that I saw Zach at.
I really just want things to work out between me and Zach; I don't mean dating but I mean just a friendship. I'd be happy with that. My aunt kicked me out when she found out I was using heroin. What the hell did she think I left California for? She knows I've been a user for a good while so why all the sudden did she get surprised? I don't know.

Friday, October 19, 2012

youthful night

well I've got forever tonight. I've got forever to walk around,do whatever I want. As far as I know, no one is looking for me so that's perfect for me. That's the way I want it to be.

no plans, no heroin, no life

typical, typical Friday for me in a strange town. I couldn't reach my new friend so I can't find anyone to hang out with tonight. I don't know anyone else anyway. I can't even get a hold of my new dealer. Great, huh

Confession: I feel like I'm being false

I have this new life now and I'm not sure what to post on here anymore. I don't even think anyone even cares or reads this shit anyway. Do you? I feel torn because of the BS I fed to all of you readers. Let's just say I felt the need to embellish some things because I feel like my life is quiet boring as of now......

Memories of a past


RecoverED-

-originally posted in closetjunkie101's blog~~ "yes you'll always have those memories but no, you do become a recovered addict as soon as you go through the program. yes, the big book, alcoholics anonymous does say in the front that you become "recovered" ED, no longer in recovery. yes, you'll always be an addict-the minute you go back to your DOC, you'll go overboard with it again because that's just what you do as an addict, but if you take control of it, I believe that with a lot of effort, you do get over it and get out of it. You'll still have shit to deal with,mentally and responsibilities, but, at least you won't be a slave to H....if shit didn't go south from my using, I wouldn't quit. No one would. The fact is that things do go south from using for everyone so we are in the same boat. It's not the drug I want to run from, it's what the drug did to me that I want to get away from."-

found an old friend

I am sooo glad I got connected up with an old user girlfriend of mine! so glad! it's like going back in time!

Want to go back

I want to go back in time, the way things were. I want to go back to LA. I miss my family, I miss Rob, I miss Zach...I miss Dre. I don't even know if he had a funeral. Where do I go from here? Heroin put me into this shitty situation and I don't know where to go, what to do-where to start. I'm sharing all of this because I'm starting to get the sudden hints that my aunt wants me out of her house. So here I am homeless [practically] in Seattle...whew my dream, no not really. I can't have it both ways; I say keep doing heroin and expect not to live a crazy life. That's not the way it works, whether I'm accepting or happy about it or not. Truth is, I still idolize, admire, glamorize this type of life and I'm not ever going to let go of it-so then I guess that means I won't ever leave it. So, then how dare I complain?

Zach did leave Seattle a few days ago. I'm not surprised. Actually, I don't know what to think. He was the one that wanted to come up here in the first place. I just lucked out by having my aunt to stay with. Whatever, forget it, he's gone. I have to just deal with that and accept it, especially if I want to stay here.

I met this other girl yesterday named Gia. She is 23 and has been living in the Seattle/Tacoma area on the streets and in and out of halfway houses for a year now. She told me that she started using heroin and crack 3 years ago, got kicked out of her parent's house-typical story. But now she doesn't have a home or a family to go back to even if she wanted to because her father moved to New York and her mother died a year ago. Poor girl, right? She has a worst situation than I do. I guess everyone has something. So I befriended her. She works at a dollar store during the day and for an escort service at night. I could never do that. I mean, hey I worked as a stripper so what's the difference? So, nonetheless I really like her. She's  quickly becoming a good friend. Her name, and her looks actually, remind me of Gia the supermodel from the1980's but her looks a lot more like Demri, Layne's girlfriend actually. Odd but really cool! I loved, absolutely loved Demri- her style, attitude, personality, looks, etc. So, yay, Demri's my "friend" now! ;)

As far as Rob is concerned, I could barely get a hold of him when I was in LA so I really have a hard time getting a hold of him with me being here and him still being down there. I talked to him for a little bit but he was working-he just got rehired as a door man at the strip club he used to work at. Good for him. What about me? God, get me out of my destructive and negative mentality, please.

Yeah, what about me? Fuck my life. Seriously. Maybe I should just kill myself. End all, be all. Right? No, but my mind is just going crazy, going a mile a minute. No - stop - shut up Scarlett!I made a new friend after all. How can things go wrong?

Thursday, October 18, 2012

falling to pieces

things are falling a part and I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start. My aunt got a call from her other sister, not my mom, to tell her that her husband killed herself. I found a connection in this area near a few clubs in Seattle so that part is settled for me. I don't know why Zach wanted to go back to LA with his tail between his legs. Geez, we were in this shit together, right? I guess that's what happens when you put too much trust into someone. Someone you barely know, well I thought I knew him well. This song popped up in my head........yea I care, yea I feel bad....shit!

Monday, October 15, 2012

baby Steps

I found work today at a women's clothing store a few miles from my aunt's house. It's enough to get me by for now. I hate saying this but Zach and I parted ways. For some reason he wanted to go back to California. I feel like I lost another friend but at the same time, I am esentially doing all of this one my own and if he wants to go then he will go. I want to do this alone anyway. Honestly, it's fine I don't care. I want to stay here and make shit work out for me. When I left California I didn't realize that I also left behind the drug world I knew out there as well. I have to make all new dealer friends here in Seattle. I want to stay here so badly. The girl that runs the clothing store, Chrissie, is a really cool chick. She dresses like a mysterious gypsy. She told me that she ran away from her paren'ts home back in Utah and came to Seattle to live the life she wanted to. So one day she upped and did it jusdt like that. Just like I did, I guess. My aunt is really glad I came to live with her as well. I'm super glad that she has been so understanding of me to let her in like this, so out of the blue.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Home sweet home

Zach and I arrived in Seattle a few hours ago. I am staying with my aunt and Zach ended up staying in a motel near by. I broke down and called my mom once my guilt over not talking to her in days got the best of me. I'm happy and truly glad I'm here but I still felt the need to talk to her. I didn't tell her exactly where I was. I especially tell her that I'm with my aunt, her sister. If she knew that, she would hate my aunt, not that she doesn't already-family history issues. I want this to work out so badly, you all have no idea. Me and Zach ended up getting a Greyhound bus with the money my aunt sent me to get up to WA. Obviously that was so much easier than bumming rides from strangers. I want to do things right. I want to get up and look for work, a straight job this time. Not another club, no more homelessness. What am I thinking? If my aunt finds out I use heroin she'd throw me out for sure. I want to stay at my aunt's house long enough for me to find a job and for Zach to find a job. We want to live out our dream someeday and to do that takes money and lots of it. We had to go through all of these struggles to eventually get what we want out of this life. Hell, you are only alive once. You are only young once. Take advantage of it! I'm super tired so that's all for now. I wasn't going to post anything but I figured I should if anyone was wondering where I was and what's up with me now. We made it safely to our ultimate destination and that's all that matters. What happens next? who the heck knows!

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Some Success

It's chilly outside as type this. Zach is sitting next to me at a bus stop. He is shivering, although his breathing remains calm. I got in contact with an aunt I have in Tacoma,WA and she said that she is willing to take me in-my mom still doesn't know where I am. She and my aunt aren't on good terms, so I trust my aunt not to tell her anything. I will call my mom but I have to get to WA first. As far as Zach goes, he doesn't feel any resentment that he wasn't invited, but he said he can look for work. It'll be our final destination, where we want to be. No more running after we get there. No more ducking and hiding. We'll be free. Zach is an amazing artist and he wants to try to get into an art school program while we are in WA. Eventually we want to get an apartment together and live out our dream, whatever that may be. I'm just so glad that it worked out with my aunt. I called her a few hours ago and she said she'll Western Union me the money for the bus so me and Zach can get up there. So everything is settle for the most part thank God. Yes, thank God.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Destination:Seattle

In case people are wondering, I am able to use my phone to post on my blog here. ---- Me and Zach are still heading to Seattle. We were in South Western Nevada yesterday and we realized that we couldn't afford the bus ride up to Seattle so we decided to get a cheap motel for the night and we left there a few hours ago and we are now in Reno, NV. Well the schedule we saw for the cheapest bus would drop us off in Redding, CA and then from there we would have to get to Seattle, but I feel like that would make it like going in a circle because we just left CA. Or we can try to get lucky and see if anyone would be willing to give us a ride at least north for a little bit. I have been searching Craigslist and city-data.com to see if I can contact anyone else in the area that is hitchhiking to Seattle. I did see one post on city-data of someone who is in Reno and is heading to Seattle as well but that post was a few days. I guess it wouldn't hurt to contact them. We were talking to this one guy at the motel. He's staying until 2pm today and then heading up to the Klamath National Forest so I'm thinking of really asking him for a ride up there and at least we would end up closer to where we are now. We'll make it work. It has to work.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Nevada

We are stopped at a Nevada bus station. We just got here a few minutes ago. I'm bone tired and so is Zach. He wandered off to find something to eat and I got a chance to hop on my blog here using a public computer center. I"m too tired to think. I'll write more later, tomorrow. It's almost midnight now. My phone works and I noticed my mom called 200 times. I wonder how she knew I left California or am I just assuming she found out somehow that I left the area...?

I should feel guilty, right?

my parents somewhat know where I am now. well they know I'm in the LA area. But they have no clue what I'm about to do, leave LA and go to Seattle with Zach. I should be feeling guilty about this, right? Only I don't feel guilty. I feel free actually. God this feels so wrong but at the same time it feels so right. I really want to go, partially for the unknown and the excitement. There's nothing left for me here. Dre's gone, Rob's practically gone. What now? This is a choice to live this way. I can do this one my own without a program or a meeting or a rehab. Our bus to Seattle leaves at 1pm. In 15 minutes I'll be bus bound to another state, another existence, another life full of options, full of good an bad. I remember I hitchhiked once a few weeks ago and almost got attacked. Zach told me of a bad experience he had once while he hitchhiked from Santa Monica to L.A. a while back. I was surprised Zach even wanted to leave L.A. because he told me he was getting popular as a featured musician at this open mic cafe he goes to on Friday's. He wants bigger and better things I guess. He wants fame, I know. He wants to tour, I know this too. He gets antsy about it, I totally understand that. I wish I was somewhere else everyday too. I guess we all get that way, no matter how we are living at the present moment. We all get unhappy about something.

Into the Wild (1/9) Movie

Goodbye California, Hello Seattle

I met up with Zach, the guy I used to like a lot that kind of shit on my heart, well I ran into him the other night and we decided to leave California. He has been living at his dealers house for some time now but I guess he thinks it's time for him to hit the road again and live someplace else, and I'm following him. I know this kills any chance I have for recovery and my family and making things better but at this point I really do not care. I'm sick of the same faces, same places, etc. I'm sick of my parent's house, I'm sick of Rob, I'm sick of the strip club I work at, I'm sick of having to live on the couches of the girls I work with at the club. I have to run away from it all. He told me he wants to head out toward Seattle. We were talking about wanting to visit there a few weeks ago. He has been there before, about 3 months ago so he wants to go back. I've always wanted to go there so here's my chance! I got my chance to go to LA and now here's my opportunity to travel again. We are about an hour away from leaving. We are at the bus station. Zach had enough money saved up from his temporary job and I have my money from my stripping job so we have about $800 total.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Things will never change

What's the point of actually trying to get sober, go to meetings and do all that shit to help myself change for the better if things around me never change? My parents are in the middle of a nervous breakdown, Dre's gone, things are different -awkward- with Rob...what the hell do I do? Where do I start? Why would I change anything? I'm out on the streets now because I want to be. No, scratch that-because I still envy, glamorize and see a positive light around living a "less than" lifestyle. Nothing has changed for me. The movies I posted yesterday, those movies are about people that lived rough lives, lives I want to follow, lives I am living now...but what's so damn great? Nothing. What exactly is there to envy? Nothing. So why does my mind still go there? Shouldn't my current existence teach me enough, that this isn't the way to go?

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Go Ask Alice (1973) Full Movie


Found myself at a meeting

Last night I was invited to an AA meeting, but with musicians. It was in Venice, I got a ride from one of the girls at the club I work at. It wasn't your typical AA group. Well, it was for those that play an instrument. Instead of the typical meetings where people go around and share, instead, different bands got up there and played. It really brought me hope to possily quit, possily try for a better life. Maybe one day. I think I'll visit the art museums today. I was to get out there more, see the sights. Not tha I haven't seen them 200 times already, ut it's still nice. Takes my mind away from my current hopless situation....

Friday, October 5, 2012

Jolene

I'm sure I posted something about this before, but I love the movie so much, so here I go again-- Jolene is a 2008 American drama film directed by Dan Ireland. It stars Jessica Chastain as the titular character. It is based on the short story, Jolene: A Life by E. L. Doctorow, itself inspired by Dolly Parton's song, Jolene[1]. It premiered on 13 June 2008 at the Seattle International Film Festival where Chastain won the Best Actress award. It was later released in the United States on 29 October 2010. The film follows the course of Jolene's life over the course of ten years, as an abused 15-year-old foster child up until her life as a 25-year-old woman. At 16 she is a teen bride, but her marriage is disrupted when she is seduced by her uncle-in-law Phil (Dermot Mulroney). Her marriage break-up pushes her towards a lesbian relationship with an emotionally needy attendant, Cindy, who she meets at juvenile detention. This is followed by a liaison with drug-dealing tattoo artist. Her strange choices continue in her relationship with a mobster named Sal in Las Vegas. Later in life she becomes involved with Brad, a wealthy psychopath.[2]

Groundhog day

I worked the over night shift at the club last night. I was invited to stay at the apartment of another woman that dances at the same club. I'm glad I wasn't too proud to turn down her offer because i really need a place to stay. Ever since Dre was taken from me, I had the streets to call home again. I was used to that, sure, but I was sick of it. I wanted a break from it for once. So I'm at this woman's house now. She's still sleeping so I hopped on my blog. I haven't heard from Rob. I called his phone several times but didn't get an answer. He used to disappear for days at a time. Sometimes he'd wander into another town, sometimes he just wanted to be alone. I swear, I'm so sick of this town, I'm sick of my life. I was thinking of going to the book store. The other day I was re reading a few pages from the book Go Ask Alice. I always enjoyed that book and recently I have been feeling very close to Alice, whoever she was. Whether it was a true story or not, I could still relate. I so badly wish I could get my shit together, quit heroin for GOOD and just be a good girl and move back in with my parent's. Why can't I? Why am I being so damn difficult? Well, addicts like chaos, I know, but still! Enough is enough. It's been more than enough for several months now. I hate using the needle now because I have so many bruises and track marks and shit. I absolutely hate this. I was thinking of going back on my own the the rehab I went to before but I don't have the guts to actually follow through with it, I guess.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Who else will help me?

I spent a while walking back and forth passing Dre's house. The police are still there. Who else will help me? Dre was, I thought, a good man. He really did want me to get off heroin and have a better life even though I didn't care to listen. Rob certainly doesn't care if I quit or not. I can't even find him some days. but Dre, he.he did care, i know it. He would give me his NA book, let me stay at his house, but I do know that he would always glady take whatever money I could give him for whatever he was selling..,.I feel so empty now. Everybody is a stranger to me. I feel sorry for Dre's son. He's around my age, a Marine. I can't believe that his son never knew about his drug selling. Well he knows now. I felt sorry for Dre too. The only reason he went to that is because his dad died a few months ago and all of the sudden he had bills and shit. I really saw him as a father figure. Now I'm alone again on this cold street. I have no one seriously real to turn to, other than my own family, but I cannot face them now. I really just can't go home.

Sick nightmare, R.I.P-----

A few hours ago I got the call that Dre was killed during a drug exchange in his home. I was there just last night. Rob told me what had happened. He managed to run away. Thank God I wasn't there. Everything was going so well for such a long time. Dre hadn't been caught in months. Now, everything is gone, done. I'm sitting in the library trying to hard not to cry. I'm trying so hard to keep it together.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Old Places, Familiar Places-not a happy feeling

I went down to the strip club I worked at for once night a few months ago. Surprisingly Dre did not like the idea but I knew I had to do it. Well, I felt like I had to. Money is getting tight now and I can't afford as much heroin as I would like to and as much as I need to keep from getting sick at this point. Mike, the owner, hired me back right away. He had the same kind of enthusiasm as a social services receptionist has when filling out your information for food stamps. I have to borrow outfits from another girl that works there-she worked there when I was there the last time-until I can afford clothing on my own. Her name is Lisa and she seems to have it more together than I do. I don't know why she's working in a place like that. Especially for how long she has been there but then again I don't know someone else's secrets, just like they don't know mine. It's not as hot here as it was yesterday so I feel better about that. So at least I got myself a job, I can't really complain. Thankfully a job like this doesn't care where you are living or what address to give them. Hell, you make it all in cash anyway. I haven't seen Rob since yesterday afternoon. I heard that one of our dealers got popped yesterday so I'm hoping Rob wasn't caught with him.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Favorite Movie/ Book of the moment

I could relate to the movie Jolene starring Jessica Chastain from the short story book by E. L. Doctorow. I saw the movie a few months ago a few times but late last week I went to the library and read the story from one of his books. His books are filled with several short stories. I like stories like that, about youth wandering around, dealing with a lot of things that aren't normal, typical. Another book/movie I like is Into the Wild. I just like doing things in a non typical societal way. Those people are truly living, I think.

Gifts from a homeless man

This morning when I left my parent's house and headed to Dre's, this homeless man off of Sunset gave me this plastic ring. I took it, said thank you. I like things I can remember people by. Maybe that's why I sort of like being homeless and roaming around meeting different people. The pain from that asshole Zach is still inside of me. Last night I got so angry and sad that I cut myself. I like him for a while now and I was trying to save/ help him for his depressive self-but that didn't go very well. A few days ago he said that he doesn't want a girlfriend..aka he just doesn't want me. I don't think I've ever had a solid, good boyfriend, ever. They have either been my clients, which aren't boyfriends or even friends. Or they have been guys I met, rushed into something with them and they left me. I have been forgotten about and abandoned by men, the system, and even so family for so that that I have come to expect it, and yet it still bothers me. For someone with abandonment issues, I still cling to people.

Where do I go from here?

I want to do things right for once. I was living at my parent's house again over the weekend but I'm back out again. While there I think that was the longest I stayed clean, well I was dope sick, and I couldn't take it anymore. I chose to leave so I could score and that mean that I couldn't come back. My mom isn't stupid, she knew what I was up to. I really am sick of this piece of shit existence. Does anyone even care? Yes my family cares but if I'm saying that I don't care and that I don't have a bottom then so be it. I'm simply too tired to keep fighting myself. I went right away to Dre's house and I left earlier this morning. I really hate this...over and over....I'll just do myself in either by intentional overdose or cutting myself or strangling myself-I don't even know. It's over, I know that. I'm accepting of that.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Demri Lara Parrott forever

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=12669330

I guess I"m one of the lucky ones

I called my mom an hour ago and ask her if she could pick me up. I caved in, I got weak. I just am so sick of bumming around this shit city, starving myself and fucking for dope money. She takes me in everytime. Maybe she's an enabler, who cares. Now that I have internet access at my fingertips I'm doing to post as many entries as I can. Clearly the only way I'm able to get online at all is when I'm at Dre's house or a library. In case some of you were wondering that's where I post this journal online thing, at the local public library. I don't have a computer on the streets of course...Ms. Carl the library assistant lets me sit there all day on that computer if it's raining or when I feel the need for some kind of human bond. My room here in my parent's house is the same. Same paint on the wall, same pictures, bed neatly made, waiting for me. Strange. I've changed so much but my surroundings haven't.

Same Mistakes

How does anyone even change anyway? Years of doing things and living life one way, even though you knew it was the wrong was, was comforting. I'm still rushing into wanting to be with some guy, ignoring the red flags and wanting to be with them anyway. I'll never change..... I was just talking to a friend of mine, Mike and he said that I don't need to be with anyone now and all I need to deal with is my own life and sobriey. He's right. I know exactly what it is about me that I need to change, but it's hard to actually make the change and do the work. Of course it's hard for anyone, most positve things are hard to do, but it's those hard things that are a must in order to survive and grow as a person.
For several hours tonight I walked up and down Colorado bvld. where I normally hang around. It was different this time for some reason. I passed all different people just had time to think for myself. before returning to where I live I went into a bar that I went to
 with Zach lastnight. Zach, the one that hurt me, let me down gently. I wasn't surprised at all. I ignored the warnings and red flags other people had pointed out to me about him and once again I went too fast and expected more out of him that he ever wanted to give and today he said that he doesn't like me that way and you know. I always go after low people-and try to save or help them. Why do I want to be with guys that have visible issues? From the very first bf up until the last one, I repeated the same mistakes-picked out someone with issues, jumped into being with them too fast, got physical too soon, then it ended with me wanting more and more and them backing away. Good to see nothing's changed. At least I'm consistant...........

Friday, September 28, 2012

First Entry In My Blog Ever: "Welcome To My Nightmare"

[This is when it all began. The following is the very first entry in my blog here.]

My name is Scarlett and I'm a heroin addict. I have been keeping a diary in so far, 4, spiral notebooks. I have decided to transfer them to my blog online here.
I've been an alcoholic for about 14 years, pills for about 12 years and I have been, regretfully, a heroin addict for the past 8 months, a year coming this late August/September.
What a hellish journey it has been. Actually, within about 3 months of using things were already steadily falling apart.
I started using for typical reasons. Heroin truly has this glamorization attached to it. I became mentally obsessed and addicted to H years before I ever touched it. I didn't even really know much about it, all I knew was that I wanted it.
So follow me, if you dare, as I let you into my life, my obsession, and my hell. Buckle up! It sure as hell is a bumpy ride!
What made you want to read my blog in the first place? Are you a fellow addict? Are you homeless too? Then you must understand how I feel. If you are a parent of an addict, I am giving  you a possible glimpse of what your child is up to and what they may be dealing with.

is anybody out there?

I'm glad to see that my entries are starting to get noticed and read again. There was a while there that no one was reading or commenting. I really enjoy posting my experiences and all on here.

this song is stuck in my head. Runaway Train by Soul Asylum

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Scary Late night street experience

Me and my friend Vanessa, had this homeless guy followed us for a few blocks and this other guy got involved and ended up fistfighting the drunk man and we called the cops. I left when the cops came. I know, well I THINK I know, I have my parents looking for me again so I don't wanna get into that shit.

Much needed distraction

I have to get out of Hollyweird

Sunset In the 80s

Sunset is nothing like it used to be. That's what brought me out here you know..........

Saturday, September 22, 2012

I think his secret hero is Alexander Supertramp

Zach= that's his name, the guy I went out with the other night and today.I met him when I was introduced by a girl I know around here. I don't see her much but me and him started talking more. I think his secret hero is Alexander Supertramp from the movie Into The Wild about Chris McCandless. That's not surprising. Chris lived the same life as us I suppose.
Alexander Supertramp Tribute 

All these memories

I think back to my life when I was wasn't homeless, when I lived with my parents. Life was so much easier, so much safer. Now I spend my days trying to score dope, hustle money from people, fearing nuts. I feel so unstable.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Singles, the movie

I love that movie. I haven't seen it in years but I love the fashions.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Needle Trouble, but no damage done

So earlier today I did some of my H by injection-it was a needle of Rob's. He used it a couple of times ended up using it anyway. Yea sharing needles is bad, blah... I ended up bending and when I tried to fix it it didn't help anything so I threw it away. It's actually not good because I don't cook it that well and I don't tend to clean the needle or anything especially when I"m rushing...so I know I run more of an possibly of something happening. I have gotten about 3 abscesses by skin popping/muscling dope before but they never fully materialized, thankfully.
The only kind that does anything to me at this point is the kind I'm high on now-and that's the kind me and Rob would get more often several months ago but it hasn't been out until recently. That's why Rob and Jeff haven't been going to where we normally get this strong kind from-it hasn't been out-so they've been having to go to a separate, more dangerous, area to get another kind which isn't as good either. So more than anything I'm thankful that we are back on the strong kind I'm used to and I am thankful I am feel as high as I am as of yesterday from this kind. That's why I have been complaining for months that for some reason I wasn't getting the euphoria/strong feeling anymore-that happened all because I haven't been able to get the usual strong kind because it hasn't been available for months. So, that solves that mystery. I certainly got that euphoric feeling back as of last night thanks to the kind we know and love the most.

Past 24 hours=Heroin Heaven

I have been in Heroin Heaven for the past 24 hours. around 8:15pm I wentcopping with Rob. We got the good shit-as far as we know, best in the city. It disappeared for a little while because the guy that used to sell it got sent to state prison so another guy is selling it now so it's back out and equally as good. Today I didn't do much. I have been awake since yesterday. Probably got only 10 minutes of sleep this morning from nodding out. I'm thinking about the documentary about the West Memphis Three-"Paradise Lost 3-Purgatory".

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Saddest interview with Layne [ Staley]

For a couple of reasons I think this is a sad interview with Layne, as he explains his understanding about his own fate.........
[[
Almost a year after the April 2002 death of Alice in Chains singer Layne Staley, the final interview with the troubled musician has surfaced in the recently released book "Layne Staley: Angry Chair — A Look Inside the Heart and Soul of an Incredible Musician" by Argentinean writer and music fan Adriana Rubio.
The conversation took place less than three months before Staley died from an overdose of heroin and cocaine ("Layne Staley Died From Mix Of Heroin, Cocaine, Report Says"), and revealed a broken 34-year-old who had given up the will to live.
"I know I'm dying," he rasped through missing teeth. "I'm not doing well. Don't try to talk about this to my sister Liz. She will know it sooner or later."
Staley, suffering from fever and nausea, told Rubio that his need for heroin was all-consuming, even though the effects of the drug were no longer enjoyable. He added that smack had completely ravaged his system and left him empty and filled with regrets.
"This f---ing drug use is like the insulin a diabetic needs to survive," he said. "I'm not using drugs to get high like many people think. I know I made a big mistake when I started using this sh--. It's a very difficult thing to explain. My liver is not functioning and I'm throwing up all the time and sh---ing my pants. The pain is more than you can handle. It's the worst pain in the world. Dope sick hurts the entire body."
The most chilling passage of the interview reads like a suicide note.
"I know I'm near death," he said. "I did crack and heroin for years. I never wanted to end my life this way. I know I have no chance. It's too late. I never wanted [the public's] thumbs' up about this f---ing drug use. Don't try to contact any AIC (Alice in Chains) members. They are not my friends."]]

Prayer for Sobriety and happiness

1-please pray, above all, for me to get sober and get off these dirty streets. I'm sick of screwing guys just to get my fix, I'm sick of the assholes, I'm sick of this scene. I wish I could go back home. Wait, maybe this is my home...

Back at the spot, back to reality


After seeing a client I walked with Rob to buy H. I bought 4 pills-the most I've bought in a while. i was feeling sick as shit so Rob gave me 1 for free, well not for free-for a favor. I'm familiar with this kind. We went to the place we used to get it from all the time. I haven't bought it from that area in months. This stuff was better than the stuff that NY guy sold me. I trust Dre, I know what he sells me and he'd never lead me on. Rob gave me a needle of his.

There is no light at the end of my tunnel

I have sadly chosen to "deal" with my depression and anxiety and frustration over my homeless situation by drinking and using drugs. A year ago when I was at my parents house my mom offered to help me out with rent or school but I just wanted H so that's why I left home. I should have taken her up on her offer. I feel all alone but I know I'm not. I have chosen to isolate, think that I'm the only one with a problem, I have chosen to live this way. I was stupid to think that I was different. My excuses/ reasons to use haven't changed, my mindset hasn't changed-so why the hell would my addiction change/end if I don't care to put in any work and take small steps to help myself? I don't want a pity party. A person won't be the answer to everything. I don't think I have a bottom. I've had injuries, situations happen, ODing, embarassment, lies, stealing, fuck I'm fucking homeless. But we know that situation and "knowing" doesn't do anything for the addict. My dad said this to me just before I left home... he told me that "I don't have to feel the need to live up to our family issues. I don't have to make addiction my fate." My dad's mother died from an OD of alcohol and barbiturates. My dad's sister had a big alcohol problem. My dad had a drinking issue but he was able to quit. My dad's mother obviously couldn't quit and my aunt, my dad's sister, only quit drinking after she had a blackout episode in public outside and her neighbor had to take her back home. I found out she quit drinking when I was only 7 so I never even knew she had an issue. I have been through so much already. Angie-the girl I get xanax from, I'd go with her and her friends to this nearby crack house and smoke weed. We have done this for months.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Back To The Needle

So yea I wanna go to Dre's ASAP-I know I'll be able to get away with it if I go on Monday- I'll have to take a suboxone before going to the strip clu tomorrow. then that leaves me with nothing on Sunday so I'd want to end up seeing Dre sunday morning but he might just make me go on Monday. He prefers me to come when his son isn't home. His son is around my age. He knows nothing about Dre selling at all and Dre wants to keep his son ignorant to that, rightfully so. I still owe Darrell $10.00 for that time he got H for me last week. I'm only like 2% tempted to get crack again but that's more expensive than the H. He asked me if I had heard from Rob. I told him I hadn't. I think he's at a nearby shelter, I have no clue. I have been sending him texts but I haven't heard from him since the early morning before I got the crack last week. Dre might think something's wrong with Rob since he hadn't heard from him either.  The last I heard about Rob was him telling me what crack to ask for and he said something about quitting his strip club door man job and going back to the one he's been at for a while with Jeff. I heard that Jeff might be moving to another state but I don't know what his story is. Anyway I wanted to get in touch with Rob to ask if he can get me a needle and I can  pay him back. I think I have to go back to shooting it because I know it's the only way to get a good amount in me and the only way to get a good high at this point is to get a good amount-but I can't physically snort a lot-so I have to move to the needle so I can get more in me. Otherwise I'll continue to complain that I'm not doing enough to get a good high. I remember one time the needle got stuck in my arm.......ahh! Yea, not good. I think I started shooting in November around Thanksgiving, probably before then. The last time I used a needle was probably 3 months ago. I'm starting to think it's easier.