I didn't want to live a normal 9-5 straight life, I knew that. Well now I have what I wanted. I've had what I wanted for months now and all I want to do is complain. I always saw such fascination in living an altered life. I enjoyed watching movies and reading books and journals about and by runways, drug addicts- I actually wanted that for my very own life. I can't sit here an say I'm entirely happy but I'm glad I'm away from my parents and family. I'm glad I'm away from my aunt. She became just as controlling as my parent's got. How long does this have to go on before I just give up and let go? Why can't I just be content and happy in living a normal, nice, happy, positive, youthful existence? I can't. I'm 28 and I can't be or even try to be the person that I know society wants me to be. I just want to be able to let go so badly! I want to just give up, let go, stop making shit in my life ten times more difficult than it has to be- for me and for my family.
I'm breaking down and saying all this shit because I just got a call from my mother and I can't help but think that I deserve to suffer. Yes, I said it; I feel I deserve to feel hurt and shitty because I sure as hell hurt my parents. I answered my mother's phone call and she basically said that she wants me to return home to California, go back to their house, find a nice part time job. That's fine but I can't stop using heroin. I'm sorry but I won't even try to quit. It's my only freaking coping mechanism. My only one that works! Why the hell can't I just go back home? I can go back to Los Angeles, go live with Rob. That's an option! I don't know if Rob would go for it but I think it's worth a try!
What do you all think I should do? Should I stay here in Seattle and try to look for work and start a new life here? Or, should I go back to California, go live with Rob and see if that would work out? Or, should I go back to live with my parents?
It is possible to have an adventurous life without heroin. Your obviously a smart, resourceful girl. You could take your fascination with the darker side of life and use it to your advantage.
ReplyDeleteI've never worked a 9 to 5 job. I've seen a lot of crazy, scary and exciting things and been in plenty of dangerous situations...and I got paid to do it all! (and it was all legal, lol) There are so many great career paths you could choose that would fulfill your desires and give you self esteem. I hope you know you deserve that.
Whether you go back to Cali or stay in Seattle won't make a difference if you can't find peace within yourself.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you find what your searching for. Your in my thoughts and prayers, Scarlett.
Summer
Thank you Summer! I really look foward to your words of encouragement!
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