HAPPY HALLOWEEN

This is the time that  I wish I was back in LA! Seriously! I'm sure Seattle is just as fun on Halloween night though. I have plans too!! The cop that I told you about the other day, well he called me up and asked me to go to a bar with him and his friend's party so I accepted. It'll be fun!  I need an outing with a normal person. A normal, fun, social outing! what is everyone else doing tonight? Any fun plans? I didn't spend a lot of time planning a costume since I didn't expect to go anywhere, so I'll just do the typical thing-dress up as someone sexy, put blood everywhere and be "dead". hahaha

New man in my life

There's a regular at this new job I got and he has taken a liking to me-what's new? Seriously, I don't know much about him other than he is a cop, has been a cop for only about 3 years, he's 30 years old, has lived in Seattle all of his life and apparently, well, hopefully, he is single. I forgot to ask about that part-but it really doesn't matter to me because I really don't want to get involved with someone seriously now, especially not now with all the mess that's going on in my life. Well, I could look at it two ways-I could totally ignore him, throw the interest and possibility away, or I could look at it as a good thing-he could be the one to save me, help me, get me away from heroin and away from the shit existence I made for myself. I think it's worth a shot, I think. It's not a matter of me thinking that I don't think I'm worth it-trust me, I don't care to put up with losers like Zach and Rob in and out of my life. I want someone better than that. I want someone real.  I want to see this as the push I need to get out of this lifestyle for good.

Got a new job!

I had to get out of the strip club, I just had to do it. I got a job at a clothing store, a little boutique and I know they won't test me because-well, actually the store belongs to a pin up model in the area and I know for sure that she does cocaine and she knows I do heroin so I know she won't bother testing me so I don't have to worry. I'm still hanging around the same people but I know I'm in a better environment and state of mind if I don't strip anymore. I had such a shitty day yesterday. Well, on Friday I hung out with Zach. Then on Saturday I rested for most of the day, worked at the club at night and then on Sunday I totally zoned out, slept all damn day, high as hell and I just let it happen. 

I actually found out that some other patient's at my rehab that are more well known went to Hollywood this weekend for a movie premiere. One of the counselor's had his movie premiere and a few people that I went to rehab with went to support him. That's why I miss being in LA-for the fun times like that. I am mentioning this because I got invited-they didn't know I left LA-and I had to break down and tell one of them that I ran away, started using again and now am in Seattle. Surely they weren't too happy about it but you know what, I gotta do what I gotta do-what I think I have to do anyway. I'm glad for them though. They are getting their name out there and getting known as actors. I think that's why they went on that show anyway, to be seen, of course. I can't blame them. Heck, it's why I chose to go to that rehab in the first place! 

So I got this new job at a respectful place with some what respectful people and I feel good about that. I really feel like going to the library or book store just to get out. I'm just going to finish doing this big fat shot and then I'll be on my way!

Spead The Word!

If you know of anybody that would enjoy reading my blog, let them read it! I recently have gotten some offers to be posted on other well known blog company websites so that's neat. Also, you have my permission to post my blog URL on message boards, other blogs, etc to promote it, so to speak. 

[If you have a blog of your own, we can work together to promote each others blogs.]


Thank you!

lazy Saturday

I didn't wake up until 10 am. I stayed out past midnight lastnight so I was super tired this morning. I get the feeling that she escorts during the day and dances at night just to make enough money for her child, her 2 year old daughter, Layla, who stays with Charlene's mom. Anyway so I woke up to an empty house, which isn't out of the ordinary for me, and I just lounged around the house for a few hours. I went to work at the club a few hours ago. My shift starts from 6pm until 1am. I enjoyed my time with Zach last night but I really can't get too attached again, emotionally. I really can't afford to have him rip my heart up again. Some girls are going to a halloween party tonight and I wanted to go with Zach but personally I would rather stay at work and make the money that I know I need to make, especially now.

The perfect night for a serenade

Out of no where, out of the blue, I saw Zach, huddled in a corner of  the club I dance at, with his guitar, watching me. Turns out he has been watching me dance for a few nights now. I don't know why he never bothered to come up to me and tell me that he was back in the area again. We spent a few hours together tonight after I got off of my shift. We sat on a secluded park bench near a busy road. He played a few new songs for me which I enjoyed. Sometimes I feel like he just likes to psycholically fuck with my feelings so I don't even allow myself to get interested in him that way anymore. I am pretty sure I can just be friendly and social and not try to push myself on him. He's still the same way with his constant cocky and self loathing depressed attitude. I can always rely on him for that one of a kind personality that he has. He went back to his motel room an hour ago and I continued to walk around the area. I just got back to where I'm staying, with one of the girls that dances at the same club I do. I was glad to see him again. I was really glad to see him. He gets exhausting after a while with his mentality but he's still good company.

Charlie

I met up with this new guy today at the club, his name is Charlie and he is a known dealer for the area that I live in. I am still in Seattle and I went back to working at the club. I had no where else to go really and they gladly took me back, of course. I started dancing there again late lastnight and then I called up Charlie to come meet me. Surprisnly the owner's cool with him so he is allowed to come into the club and sell. The cops don't even bother with him-well, the type of cops that do h themselves anyway. 

So that's what I've been up to lately. I figured I'd stay in Seattele a little longer until I decide to go back to LA-if I ever decide to go back that is. My aunt called me a yesterday to check on me. I lied and told her I got an office temp job in the city and got a small place of my own-with what money I don't know, but it doesn't matter anyway because she believed me, so it's fine. She never digs too deep with questioning me, not like my mom does. So I didn't have to tell her too much.  

I think at about 115 pounds now. I remember when I started using heroin I was 145 then I went down to 125 in a few months. That's really the best part about this-the weight loss! When I was living with my parents and using, my mom actually congratulated my loss so of course I liked that attention so I kept right on going using heroin, the only issue was that my mom never really knew where my loss was coming from, she just liked that it was happening. That has pretty much been the story of my life anyway; I can get away with almost anything when it comes to my parents.

going to a show

A friend of mine is playing in his band tonight an I get to go for free. I just met this guy at a billiards club place the other night.  I make friends fast dont I? ;) Anyway so things have been going good for me today. I have been texting Rob for the last hour or so and he has been telling me about his latest selling adventures. He officially moved into Dre's house the other day and he is loving it. Of course he is, he has somewhere to live now! Good for him, I'm happy for him seriously because things really seem to be working out for him now. Finally, huh?
I'm just planning out my outfit to wear for tonight. I have to take the bus there because it's in the next city so I have to leave about 2 hours early.
I'll let you all know how my night goes! Hopefully I can score some heroin or coke before I leave tonight!

Rock n Roll!!!

I guess I got what I wanted

I didn't want to live a normal 9-5 straight life, I knew that. Well now I have what I wanted. I've had what I wanted for months now and all I want to do is complain. I always saw such fascination in living an altered life. I enjoyed watching movies and reading books and journals about and by runways, drug addicts- I actually wanted that for my very own life. I can't sit here an say I'm entirely happy but I'm glad I'm away from my parents and family. I'm glad I'm away from my aunt. She became just as controlling as my parent's got. How long does this have to go on before I just give up and let go? Why can't I just be content and happy in living a normal, nice, happy, positive, youthful existence? I can't. I'm 28 and I can't be or even try to be the person that I know society wants me to be. I just want to be able to let go so badly! I want to just give up, let go, stop making shit in my life ten times more difficult than it has to be- for me and for my family.

I'm breaking down and saying all this shit because I just got a call from my mother and I can't help but think that I deserve to suffer. Yes, I said it; I feel I deserve to feel hurt and shitty because I sure as hell hurt my parents. I answered my mother's phone call and she basically said that she wants me to return home to California, go back to their house, find a nice part time job. That's fine but I can't stop using heroin. I'm sorry but I won't even try to quit. It's my only freaking coping mechanism. My only one that works! Why the hell can't I just go back home? I can go back to Los Angeles, go live with Rob. That's an option! I don't know if Rob would go for it but I think it's worth a try!

What do you all think I should do? Should I stay here in Seattle and try to look for work and start a new life here? Or, should I go back to California, go live with Rob and see if that would work out? Or, should I go back to live with my parents?

This is the perfect movie to see on Halloween--

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082744/

SEE RANK

Midnight (1982)

91 min  -  Horror  -   31 December 1982 (USA)

A teenage girl runs away from home because police officer/stepfather puts the moves on her. Hitchhiking to California, she's picked up by two guys who are also traveling cross-country. Along the way, they decide to camp out in the woods and run across a family of Satanists who keep their dead mother in the attic.

 

taking charge

I finally left that damn strip joint. Boy was Eddie, the owner, surprised. I just had to do it, I had to step up for myself. I want better and I want things to work out. So I spent most of last night and some of today looking for other places to work. Even if it's a retail job that's fine. I tried calling Rob earlier, I don't know why. I miss him, that's why. Why else would I bother? We talked about Dre for a little while then we talked about how much luck he, Rob, is having with his new selling position. Oh, I forgot to tell you! When Dre died, Rob was promoted in Dre's place as a seller in the area that Dre lived in. So, now Rob has a house because of it! Well, Rob basically moved into Dre's place. Maybe I should go back to California now that Rob has a place to live. Maybe I really can't hack it here in Seattle. I still haven't been able to find that girl that I used to talk to. She hasn't been working at the club she used to dance at in a week now. I don't even know why i bother befriending their wayward people. I do it because I'm lonely being out here alone, even with Zach around, it's as if I'm still alone. I might as well be. I'm surely living like it.That's what I should dedicate the rest of my day today to, finding new friends. Finding friends that a little more stable, a little more with it. That's a plan.

Wish I could do better

I don't know why I agreed to work at another lousy strip joint. Is that all I can do? Is that all I'm worth? I guess so. Hey, I'm the one allowing all this to happen. I'm just letting it all unfold and I'm tripping an falling on it, not even trying to move out of the way. Well, it's a nice day so I better make use of it. I don't have to go into the club until later tonight. I'm staying with a girlfriend of mine that works at the club during my shift. I don't know why i didn't think bout this before but I haven't seen that girl that I said looks like Demri. I haven't seen her around in a few days actually. I guess I just planned my day; I'm going to spend a few hours asking around about her. What was her name again anyway?............

coke

does the background of my blog remind you of coke? Just a thought....

Old friends, new news

Zach came back to Seattle. I saw him at  bar the other night. He told me that he decided to return after he found out from his sister that his mother was murdered on Friday. I only met his mother once a few months ago. I don't know exactly what happened or who killed her but Zach has a suspicion that it was his mother's neighbor. The neighbor is was actually Zach's mother's drug dealer and so I'm thinking that he killed her over a bad deal, I don't know, but that's obviously still really sad. Zach didn't know how else to handle it other than to run away again. He had to be close to me, finally. Well  I'm glad. I'm not glad that his mother died, of course, but I'm glad that Zach came back to me to keep me company. I started working at another club and it's close by to the bar that I saw Zach at.
I really just want things to work out between me and Zach; I don't mean dating but I mean just a friendship. I'd be happy with that. My aunt kicked me out when she found out I was using heroin. What the hell did she think I left California for? She knows I've been a user for a good while so why all the sudden did she get surprised? I don't know.

youthful night

well I've got forever tonight. I've got forever to walk around,do whatever I want. As far as I know, no one is looking for me so that's perfect for me. That's the way I want it to be.

no plans, no heroin, no life

typical, typical Friday for me in a strange town. I couldn't reach my new friend so I can't find anyone to hang out with tonight. I don't know anyone else anyway. I can't even get a hold of my new dealer. Great, huh

Confession: I feel like I'm being false

I have this new life now and I'm not sure what to post on here anymore. I don't even think anyone even cares or reads this shit anyway. Do you? I feel torn because of the BS I fed to all of you readers. Let's just say I felt the need to embellish some things because I feel like my life is quiet boring as of now......

Memories of a past

RecoverED-

-originally posted in closetjunkie101's blog~~ "yes you'll always have those memories but no, you do become a recovered addict as soon as you go through the program. yes, the big book, alcoholics anonymous does say in the front that you become "recovered" ED, no longer in recovery. yes, you'll always be an addict-the minute you go back to your DOC, you'll go overboard with it again because that's just what you do as an addict, but if you take control of it, I believe that with a lot of effort, you do get over it and get out of it. You'll still have shit to deal with,mentally and responsibilities, but, at least you won't be a slave to H....if shit didn't go south from my using, I wouldn't quit. No one would. The fact is that things do go south from using for everyone so we are in the same boat. It's not the drug I want to run from, it's what the drug did to me that I want to get away from."-

found an old friend

I am sooo glad I got connected up with an old user girlfriend of mine! so glad! it's like going back in time!

Want to go back

I want to go back in time, the way things were. I want to go back to LA. I miss my family, I miss Rob, I miss Zach...I miss Dre. I don't even know if he had a funeral. Where do I go from here? Heroin put me into this shitty situation and I don't know where to go, what to do-where to start. I'm sharing all of this because I'm starting to get the sudden hints that my aunt wants me out of her house. So here I am homeless [practically] in Seattle...whew my dream, no not really. I can't have it both ways; I say keep doing heroin and expect not to live a crazy life. That's not the way it works, whether I'm accepting or happy about it or not. Truth is, I still idolize, admire, glamorize this type of life and I'm not ever going to let go of it-so then I guess that means I won't ever leave it. So, then how dare I complain?

Zach did leave Seattle a few days ago. I'm not surprised. Actually, I don't know what to think. He was the one that wanted to come up here in the first place. I just lucked out by having my aunt to stay with. Whatever, forget it, he's gone. I have to just deal with that and accept it, especially if I want to stay here.

I met this other girl yesterday named Gia. She is 23 and has been living in the Seattle/Tacoma area on the streets and in and out of halfway houses for a year now. She told me that she started using heroin and crack 3 years ago, got kicked out of her parent's house-typical story. But now she doesn't have a home or a family to go back to even if she wanted to because her father moved to New York and her mother died a year ago. Poor girl, right? She has a worst situation than I do. I guess everyone has something. So I befriended her. She works at a dollar store during the day and for an escort service at night. I could never do that. I mean, hey I worked as a stripper so what's the difference? So, nonetheless I really like her. She's  quickly becoming a good friend. Her name, and her looks actually, remind me of Gia the supermodel from the1980's but her looks a lot more like Demri, Layne's girlfriend actually. Odd but really cool! I loved, absolutely loved Demri- her style, attitude, personality, looks, etc. So, yay, Demri's my "friend" now! ;)

As far as Rob is concerned, I could barely get a hold of him when I was in LA so I really have a hard time getting a hold of him with me being here and him still being down there. I talked to him for a little bit but he was working-he just got rehired as a door man at the strip club he used to work at. Good for him. What about me? God, get me out of my destructive and negative mentality, please.

Yeah, what about me? Fuck my life. Seriously. Maybe I should just kill myself. End all, be all. Right? No, but my mind is just going crazy, going a mile a minute. No - stop - shut up Scarlett!I made a new friend after all. How can things go wrong?

falling to pieces

things are falling a part and I don't know what to do. I don't even know where to start. My aunt got a call from her other sister, not my mom, to tell her that her husband killed herself. I found a connection in this area near a few clubs in Seattle so that part is settled for me. I don't know why Zach wanted to go back to LA with his tail between his legs. Geez, we were in this shit together, right? I guess that's what happens when you put too much trust into someone. Someone you barely know, well I thought I knew him well. This song popped up in my head........yea I care, yea I feel bad....shit!

baby Steps

I found work today at a women's clothing store a few miles from my aunt's house. It's enough to get me by for now. I hate saying this but Zach and I parted ways. For some reason he wanted to go back to California. I feel like I lost another friend but at the same time, I am esentially doing all of this one my own and if he wants to go then he will go. I want to do this alone anyway. Honestly, it's fine I don't care. I want to stay here and make shit work out for me. When I left California I didn't realize that I also left behind the drug world I knew out there as well. I have to make all new dealer friends here in Seattle. I want to stay here so badly. The girl that runs the clothing store, Chrissie, is a really cool chick. She dresses like a mysterious gypsy. She told me that she ran away from her paren'ts home back in Utah and came to Seattle to live the life she wanted to. So one day she upped and did it jusdt like that. Just like I did, I guess. My aunt is really glad I came to live with her as well. I'm super glad that she has been so understanding of me to let her in like this, so out of the blue.

Home sweet home

Zach and I arrived in Seattle a few hours ago. I am staying with my aunt and Zach ended up staying in a motel near by. I broke down and called my mom once my guilt over not talking to her in days got the best of me. I'm happy and truly glad I'm here but I still felt the need to talk to her. I didn't tell her exactly where I was. I especially tell her that I'm with my aunt, her sister. If she knew that, she would hate my aunt, not that she doesn't already-family history issues. I want this to work out so badly, you all have no idea. Me and Zach ended up getting a Greyhound bus with the money my aunt sent me to get up to WA. Obviously that was so much easier than bumming rides from strangers. I want to do things right. I want to get up and look for work, a straight job this time. Not another club, no more homelessness. What am I thinking? If my aunt finds out I use heroin she'd throw me out for sure. I want to stay at my aunt's house long enough for me to find a job and for Zach to find a job. We want to live out our dream someeday and to do that takes money and lots of it. We had to go through all of these struggles to eventually get what we want out of this life. Hell, you are only alive once. You are only young once. Take advantage of it! I'm super tired so that's all for now. I wasn't going to post anything but I figured I should if anyone was wondering where I was and what's up with me now. We made it safely to our ultimate destination and that's all that matters. What happens next? who the heck knows!

Some Success

It's chilly outside as type this. Zach is sitting next to me at a bus stop. He is shivering, although his breathing remains calm. I got in contact with an aunt I have in Tacoma,WA and she said that she is willing to take me in-my mom still doesn't know where I am. She and my aunt aren't on good terms, so I trust my aunt not to tell her anything. I will call my mom but I have to get to WA first. As far as Zach goes, he doesn't feel any resentment that he wasn't invited, but he said he can look for work. It'll be our final destination, where we want to be. No more running after we get there. No more ducking and hiding. We'll be free. Zach is an amazing artist and he wants to try to get into an art school program while we are in WA. Eventually we want to get an apartment together and live out our dream, whatever that may be. I'm just so glad that it worked out with my aunt. I called her a few hours ago and she said she'll Western Union me the money for the bus so me and Zach can get up there. So everything is settle for the most part thank God. Yes, thank God.

Destination:Seattle

In case people are wondering, I am able to use my phone to post on my blog here. ---- Me and Zach are still heading to Seattle. We were in South Western Nevada yesterday and we realized that we couldn't afford the bus ride up to Seattle so we decided to get a cheap motel for the night and we left there a few hours ago and we are now in Reno, NV. Well the schedule we saw for the cheapest bus would drop us off in Redding, CA and then from there we would have to get to Seattle, but I feel like that would make it like going in a circle because we just left CA. Or we can try to get lucky and see if anyone would be willing to give us a ride at least north for a little bit. I have been searching Craigslist and city-data.com to see if I can contact anyone else in the area that is hitchhiking to Seattle. I did see one post on city-data of someone who is in Reno and is heading to Seattle as well but that post was a few days. I guess it wouldn't hurt to contact them. We were talking to this one guy at the motel. He's staying until 2pm today and then heading up to the Klamath National Forest so I'm thinking of really asking him for a ride up there and at least we would end up closer to where we are now. We'll make it work. It has to work.

Nevada

We are stopped at a Nevada bus station. We just got here a few minutes ago. I'm bone tired and so is Zach. He wandered off to find something to eat and I got a chance to hop on my blog here using a public computer center. I"m too tired to think. I'll write more later, tomorrow. It's almost midnight now. My phone works and I noticed my mom called 200 times. I wonder how she knew I left California or am I just assuming she found out somehow that I left the area...?

I should feel guilty, right?

my parents somewhat know where I am now. well they know I'm in the LA area. But they have no clue what I'm about to do, leave LA and go to Seattle with Zach. I should be feeling guilty about this, right? Only I don't feel guilty. I feel free actually. God this feels so wrong but at the same time it feels so right. I really want to go, partially for the unknown and the excitement. There's nothing left for me here. Dre's gone, Rob's practically gone. What now? This is a choice to live this way. I can do this one my own without a program or a meeting or a rehab. Our bus to Seattle leaves at 1pm. In 15 minutes I'll be bus bound to another state, another existence, another life full of options, full of good an bad. I remember I hitchhiked once a few weeks ago and almost got attacked. Zach told me of a bad experience he had once while he hitchhiked from Santa Monica to L.A. a while back. I was surprised Zach even wanted to leave L.A. because he told me he was getting popular as a featured musician at this open mic cafe he goes to on Friday's. He wants bigger and better things I guess. He wants fame, I know. He wants to tour, I know this too. He gets antsy about it, I totally understand that. I wish I was somewhere else everyday too. I guess we all get that way, no matter how we are living at the present moment. We all get unhappy about something.

Into the Wild (1/9) Movie

Goodbye California, Hello Seattle

I met up with Zach, the guy I used to like a lot that kind of shit on my heart, well I ran into him the other night and we decided to leave California. He has been living at his dealers house for some time now but I guess he thinks it's time for him to hit the road again and live someplace else, and I'm following him. I know this kills any chance I have for recovery and my family and making things better but at this point I really do not care. I'm sick of the same faces, same places, etc. I'm sick of my parent's house, I'm sick of Rob, I'm sick of the strip club I work at, I'm sick of having to live on the couches of the girls I work with at the club. I have to run away from it all. He told me he wants to head out toward Seattle. We were talking about wanting to visit there a few weeks ago. He has been there before, about 3 months ago so he wants to go back. I've always wanted to go there so here's my chance! I got my chance to go to LA and now here's my opportunity to travel again. We are about an hour away from leaving. We are at the bus station. Zach had enough money saved up from his temporary job and I have my money from my stripping job so we have about $800 total.

Things will never change

What's the point of actually trying to get sober, go to meetings and do all that shit to help myself change for the better if things around me never change? My parents are in the middle of a nervous breakdown, Dre's gone, things are different -awkward- with Rob...what the hell do I do? Where do I start? Why would I change anything? I'm out on the streets now because I want to be. No, scratch that-because I still envy, glamorize and see a positive light around living a "less than" lifestyle. Nothing has changed for me. The movies I posted yesterday, those movies are about people that lived rough lives, lives I want to follow, lives I am living now...but what's so damn great? Nothing. What exactly is there to envy? Nothing. So why does my mind still go there? Shouldn't my current existence teach me enough, that this isn't the way to go?

Go Ask Alice (1973) Full Movie

Found myself at a meeting

Last night I was invited to an AA meeting, but with musicians. It was in Venice, I got a ride from one of the girls at the club I work at. It wasn't your typical AA group. Well, it was for those that play an instrument. Instead of the typical meetings where people go around and share, instead, different bands got up there and played. It really brought me hope to possily quit, possily try for a better life. Maybe one day. I think I'll visit the art museums today. I was to get out there more, see the sights. Not tha I haven't seen them 200 times already, ut it's still nice. Takes my mind away from my current hopless situation....

Jolene

I'm sure I posted something about this before, but I love the movie so much, so here I go again-- Jolene is a 2008 American drama film directed by Dan Ireland. It stars Jessica Chastain as the titular character. It is based on the short story, Jolene: A Life by E. L. Doctorow, itself inspired by Dolly Parton's song, Jolene[1]. It premiered on 13 June 2008 at the Seattle International Film Festival where Chastain won the Best Actress award. It was later released in the United States on 29 October 2010. The film follows the course of Jolene's life over the course of ten years, as an abused 15-year-old foster child up until her life as a 25-year-old woman. At 16 she is a teen bride, but her marriage is disrupted when she is seduced by her uncle-in-law Phil (Dermot Mulroney). Her marriage break-up pushes her towards a lesbian relationship with an emotionally needy attendant, Cindy, who she meets at juvenile detention. This is followed by a liaison with drug-dealing tattoo artist. Her strange choices continue in her relationship with a mobster named Sal in Las Vegas. Later in life she becomes involved with Brad, a wealthy psychopath.[2]

Groundhog day

I worked the over night shift at the club last night. I was invited to stay at the apartment of another woman that dances at the same club. I'm glad I wasn't too proud to turn down her offer because i really need a place to stay. Ever since Dre was taken from me, I had the streets to call home again. I was used to that, sure, but I was sick of it. I wanted a break from it for once. So I'm at this woman's house now. She's still sleeping so I hopped on my blog. I haven't heard from Rob. I called his phone several times but didn't get an answer. He used to disappear for days at a time. Sometimes he'd wander into another town, sometimes he just wanted to be alone. I swear, I'm so sick of this town, I'm sick of my life. I was thinking of going to the book store. The other day I was re reading a few pages from the book Go Ask Alice. I always enjoyed that book and recently I have been feeling very close to Alice, whoever she was. Whether it was a true story or not, I could still relate. I so badly wish I could get my shit together, quit heroin for GOOD and just be a good girl and move back in with my parent's. Why can't I? Why am I being so damn difficult? Well, addicts like chaos, I know, but still! Enough is enough. It's been more than enough for several months now. I hate using the needle now because I have so many bruises and track marks and shit. I absolutely hate this. I was thinking of going back on my own the the rehab I went to before but I don't have the guts to actually follow through with it, I guess.

Who else will help me?

I spent a while walking back and forth passing Dre's house. The police are still there. Who else will help me? Dre was, I thought, a good man. He really did want me to get off heroin and have a better life even though I didn't care to listen. Rob certainly doesn't care if I quit or not. I can't even find him some days. but Dre, he.he did care, i know it. He would give me his NA book, let me stay at his house, but I do know that he would always glady take whatever money I could give him for whatever he was selling..,.I feel so empty now. Everybody is a stranger to me. I feel sorry for Dre's son. He's around my age, a Marine. I can't believe that his son never knew about his drug selling. Well he knows now. I felt sorry for Dre too. The only reason he went to that is because his dad died a few months ago and all of the sudden he had bills and shit. I really saw him as a father figure. Now I'm alone again on this cold street. I have no one seriously real to turn to, other than my own family, but I cannot face them now. I really just can't go home.

Sick nightmare, R.I.P-----

A few hours ago I got the call that Dre was killed during a drug exchange in his home. I was there just last night. Rob told me what had happened. He managed to run away. Thank God I wasn't there. Everything was going so well for such a long time. Dre hadn't been caught in months. Now, everything is gone, done. I'm sitting in the library trying to hard not to cry. I'm trying so hard to keep it together.

Old Places, Familiar Places-not a happy feeling

I went down to the strip club I worked at for once night a few months ago. Surprisingly Dre did not like the idea but I knew I had to do it. Well, I felt like I had to. Money is getting tight now and I can't afford as much heroin as I would like to and as much as I need to keep from getting sick at this point. Mike, the owner, hired me back right away. He had the same kind of enthusiasm as a social services receptionist has when filling out your information for food stamps. I have to borrow outfits from another girl that works there-she worked there when I was there the last time-until I can afford clothing on my own. Her name is Lisa and she seems to have it more together than I do. I don't know why she's working in a place like that. Especially for how long she has been there but then again I don't know someone else's secrets, just like they don't know mine. It's not as hot here as it was yesterday so I feel better about that. So at least I got myself a job, I can't really complain. Thankfully a job like this doesn't care where you are living or what address to give them. Hell, you make it all in cash anyway. I haven't seen Rob since yesterday afternoon. I heard that one of our dealers got popped yesterday so I'm hoping Rob wasn't caught with him.

Favorite Movie/ Book of the moment

I could relate to the movie Jolene starring Jessica Chastain from the short story book by E. L. Doctorow. I saw the movie a few months ago a few times but late last week I went to the library and read the story from one of his books. His books are filled with several short stories. I like stories like that, about youth wandering around, dealing with a lot of things that aren't normal, typical. Another book/movie I like is Into the Wild. I just like doing things in a non typical societal way. Those people are truly living, I think.

Gifts from a homeless man

This morning when I left my parent's house and headed to Dre's, this homeless man off of Sunset gave me this plastic ring. I took it, said thank you. I like things I can remember people by. Maybe that's why I sort of like being homeless and roaming around meeting different people. The pain from that asshole Zach is still inside of me. Last night I got so angry and sad that I cut myself. I like him for a while now and I was trying to save/ help him for his depressive self-but that didn't go very well. A few days ago he said that he doesn't want a girlfriend..aka he just doesn't want me. I don't think I've ever had a solid, good boyfriend, ever. They have either been my clients, which aren't boyfriends or even friends. Or they have been guys I met, rushed into something with them and they left me. I have been forgotten about and abandoned by men, the system, and even so family for so that that I have come to expect it, and yet it still bothers me. For someone with abandonment issues, I still cling to people.

Where do I go from here?

I want to do things right for once. I was living at my parent's house again over the weekend but I'm back out again. While there I think that was the longest I stayed clean, well I was dope sick, and I couldn't take it anymore. I chose to leave so I could score and that mean that I couldn't come back. My mom isn't stupid, she knew what I was up to. I really am sick of this piece of shit existence. Does anyone even care? Yes my family cares but if I'm saying that I don't care and that I don't have a bottom then so be it. I'm simply too tired to keep fighting myself. I went right away to Dre's house and I left earlier this morning. I really hate this...over and over....I'll just do myself in either by intentional overdose or cutting myself or strangling myself-I don't even know. It's over, I know that. I'm accepting of that.