Sunday, August 12, 2012

Needle Trouble, but no damage done

So earlier today I did some of my H by injection-it was a needle of Rob's. He used it a couple of times ended up using it anyway. Yea sharing needles is bad, blah... I ended up bending and when I tried to fix it it didn't help anything so I threw it away. It's actually not good because I don't cook it that well and I don't tend to clean the needle or anything especially when I"m rushing...so I know I run more of an possibly of something happening. I have gotten about 3 abscesses by skin popping/muscling dope before but they never fully materialized, thankfully.
The only kind that does anything to me at this point is the kind I'm high on now-and that's the kind me and Rob would get more often several months ago but it hasn't been out until recently. That's why Rob and Jeff haven't been going to where we normally get this strong kind from-it hasn't been out-so they've been having to go to a separate, more dangerous, area to get another kind which isn't as good either. So more than anything I'm thankful that we are back on the strong kind I'm used to and I am thankful I am feel as high as I am as of yesterday from this kind. That's why I have been complaining for months that for some reason I wasn't getting the euphoria/strong feeling anymore-that happened all because I haven't been able to get the usual strong kind because it hasn't been available for months. So, that solves that mystery. I certainly got that euphoric feeling back as of last night thanks to the kind we know and love the most.

Past 24 hours=Heroin Heaven

I have been in Heroin Heaven for the past 24 hours. around 8:15pm I wentcopping with Rob. We got the good shit-as far as we know, best in the city. It disappeared for a little while because the guy that used to sell it got sent to state prison so another guy is selling it now so it's back out and equally as good. Today I didn't do much. I have been awake since yesterday. Probably got only 10 minutes of sleep this morning from nodding out. I'm thinking about the documentary about the West Memphis Three-"Paradise Lost 3-Purgatory".

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Saddest interview with Layne [ Staley]

For a couple of reasons I think this is a sad interview with Layne, as he explains his understanding about his own fate.........
[[
Almost a year after the April 2002 death of Alice in Chains singer Layne Staley, the final interview with the troubled musician has surfaced in the recently released book "Layne Staley: Angry Chair — A Look Inside the Heart and Soul of an Incredible Musician" by Argentinean writer and music fan Adriana Rubio.
The conversation took place less than three months before Staley died from an overdose of heroin and cocaine ("Layne Staley Died From Mix Of Heroin, Cocaine, Report Says"), and revealed a broken 34-year-old who had given up the will to live.
"I know I'm dying," he rasped through missing teeth. "I'm not doing well. Don't try to talk about this to my sister Liz. She will know it sooner or later."
Staley, suffering from fever and nausea, told Rubio that his need for heroin was all-consuming, even though the effects of the drug were no longer enjoyable. He added that smack had completely ravaged his system and left him empty and filled with regrets.
"This f---ing drug use is like the insulin a diabetic needs to survive," he said. "I'm not using drugs to get high like many people think. I know I made a big mistake when I started using this sh--. It's a very difficult thing to explain. My liver is not functioning and I'm throwing up all the time and sh---ing my pants. The pain is more than you can handle. It's the worst pain in the world. Dope sick hurts the entire body."
The most chilling passage of the interview reads like a suicide note.
"I know I'm near death," he said. "I did crack and heroin for years. I never wanted to end my life this way. I know I have no chance. It's too late. I never wanted [the public's] thumbs' up about this f---ing drug use. Don't try to contact any AIC (Alice in Chains) members. They are not my friends."]]

Prayer for Sobriety and happiness

1-please pray, above all, for me to get sober and get off these dirty streets. I'm sick of screwing guys just to get my fix, I'm sick of the assholes, I'm sick of this scene. I wish I could go back home. Wait, maybe this is my home...

Back at the spot, back to reality


After seeing a client I walked with Rob to buy H. I bought 4 pills-the most I've bought in a while. i was feeling sick as shit so Rob gave me 1 for free, well not for free-for a favor. I'm familiar with this kind. We went to the place we used to get it from all the time. I haven't bought it from that area in months. This stuff was better than the stuff that NY guy sold me. I trust Dre, I know what he sells me and he'd never lead me on. Rob gave me a needle of his.

There is no light at the end of my tunnel

I have sadly chosen to "deal" with my depression and anxiety and frustration over my homeless situation by drinking and using drugs. A year ago when I was at my parents house my mom offered to help me out with rent or school but I just wanted H so that's why I left home. I should have taken her up on her offer. I feel all alone but I know I'm not. I have chosen to isolate, think that I'm the only one with a problem, I have chosen to live this way. I was stupid to think that I was different. My excuses/ reasons to use haven't changed, my mindset hasn't changed-so why the hell would my addiction change/end if I don't care to put in any work and take small steps to help myself? I don't want a pity party. A person won't be the answer to everything. I don't think I have a bottom. I've had injuries, situations happen, ODing, embarassment, lies, stealing, fuck I'm fucking homeless. But we know that situation and "knowing" doesn't do anything for the addict. My dad said this to me just before I left home... he told me that "I don't have to feel the need to live up to our family issues. I don't have to make addiction my fate." My dad's mother died from an OD of alcohol and barbiturates. My dad's sister had a big alcohol problem. My dad had a drinking issue but he was able to quit. My dad's mother obviously couldn't quit and my aunt, my dad's sister, only quit drinking after she had a blackout episode in public outside and her neighbor had to take her back home. I found out she quit drinking when I was only 7 so I never even knew she had an issue. I have been through so much already. Angie-the girl I get xanax from, I'd go with her and her friends to this nearby crack house and smoke weed. We have done this for months.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Back To The Needle

So yea I wanna go to Dre's ASAP-I know I'll be able to get away with it if I go on Monday- I'll have to take a suboxone before going to the strip clu tomorrow. then that leaves me with nothing on Sunday so I'd want to end up seeing Dre sunday morning but he might just make me go on Monday. He prefers me to come when his son isn't home. His son is around my age. He knows nothing about Dre selling at all and Dre wants to keep his son ignorant to that, rightfully so. I still owe Darrell $10.00 for that time he got H for me last week. I'm only like 2% tempted to get crack again but that's more expensive than the H. He asked me if I had heard from Rob. I told him I hadn't. I think he's at a nearby shelter, I have no clue. I have been sending him texts but I haven't heard from him since the early morning before I got the crack last week. Dre might think something's wrong with Rob since he hadn't heard from him either.  The last I heard about Rob was him telling me what crack to ask for and he said something about quitting his strip club door man job and going back to the one he's been at for a while with Jeff. I heard that Jeff might be moving to another state but I don't know what his story is. Anyway I wanted to get in touch with Rob to ask if he can get me a needle and I can  pay him back. I think I have to go back to shooting it because I know it's the only way to get a good amount in me and the only way to get a good high at this point is to get a good amount-but I can't physically snort a lot-so I have to move to the needle so I can get more in me. Otherwise I'll continue to complain that I'm not doing enough to get a good high. I remember one time the needle got stuck in my arm.......ahh! Yea, not good. I think I started shooting in November around Thanksgiving, probably before then. The last time I used a needle was probably 3 months ago. I'm starting to think it's easier.

Drugs Forum

Sometimes I like to view other people's posts on the Drugs.com forum-of course the heroin. It was cool to find out that some of the members from that forum site enjoy reading my posts on here. I rarely post on there-I typically don't like posting in public forums but whenever I want to learn more about something in this, I just ask someone there and that helps a lot.
So Dre said I may be able to go see him on Sunday. Of course  travel wise it would be more convenient to go to Angie's to deal with her NY guy but like I said, he charges too much-I mean, not too much-Dre said that it's more because it's China-better=raw,etc so that's why I really wanna find out why the heck didn't it seem better to me.

Getting Dre involved

I just called Dre to see if he wants to do business with the NY dealer guy. Dre declined because he can't afford China. It's closer to raw/brown and that's why it's more expensive than Dre's kind. China is Brown and more raw means better-and you know, I bet you I'd feel it more if I got more in me,which means I have to shoot this-I think in general I should go back to shooting because-at this point,for months now, my tolerance has gone up to the point where I can't afford the amount I need to feel a good high-and also I can't snort as much as I need to to get a good high-so shoting it is the best answer-in terms of getting more of it in me to feel anything anymore-that clearly won't solve my money issue-that's the problem with tolerance and addiction-the more you do, the more used to it you get/more tolerance, more you need, more you spend, etc...
I am almost done it. I only bought 1-honestly I'm a little  bummed because it wasn't as strong as I thought it would be. All I've heard about China White was about how great it is....but to me, it's like a 7-8. Is there a different kind of China that's stronger? I'm thinking I should start shooting so I can get more in me. Sniffing it, I can't do as much because my nose gets clogged or bleeds, so I know that if I go back to shooting, I can get more in me. But I also don't do that much-not because i can' handle it because i can, but so I won't use it up so fast and have to buy more quickly-especially this kind...it's more expensive than Dre's kind. It's only $5.00 more-but Dre offers me more in quantity,so it ends up being cheaper. This China kind was just in a small stamp like bag and Dre has his in clear capsules. Anyway so honestly, Angie didn't want me directly dealing with that NY guy anyway because I don't know him and I personally don't want to deal with him. I don't think I'll do business with him much more.

My Current H related Health Issues

I get a lot of chest/heart pains. I know when I used to use the needle, I didn't always clean it and I did share a needle with Rob once- so I wondered what issues I could get from that. I know that from shooting, you can get something called Bacterial Endocarditis. That's what Demri Parrot, Layne Staley's girlfriend at the time died from back in 1996. I know it harms the liver too-so do pills and alcohol. I get a lot of bruising on my skin-not from alcohol but only when I use H. The bruising isn't from picking at my skin-I don't do that at all >I know some users pick at their face and shit-I never did that. What's the point of that anyway?  I just bump into something and I bruise easily. I know that is from liver related issues.So, I'm conscious of all of these changes yet I don't change..........

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

another video/Mike Starr...


Some of my troubles

well Dre kicked me out of this place I was staying at for a while so I have spend the last 4 hours walking up and down Sunset. I'm used to the people looking at me, I clean up well I don't care. I'm hoping that Rob has some work forme at this go go club he's been working at now.

If only..........Jerry Cantrell MusiCares Speech

If only I just acted normal in front of my parents they'd never suspect anything. They said it themselves, how can they feel comfortable going on vacation, leaving me here, when they strongly question what I'm up to? I don't blame them for their thinking or their concern. God knows how badly i want to get out of this-how the hell do people stay out?
Last night on Youtube, I watched Jerry Cantrell's MusiCares MAPP speech. It helped me a lot to hear his words-I could relate. That's what I need, the constant ability to relate and realize that I'm not alone in this addiction hell and twisted mentality.[1st video-Jerry's MAPP speech. 2nd video-Mike Starr]

Already dope sick.

I feel the withdrawal symptoms coming at me already. I'm seconds away from that sneeze, already feeling that inner uncomfortable that only gets worst late at night. The only thing that solves this is junk food-so I think I'll eat something.....shit I can't even afford it.

Monday, August 6, 2012

crackwhore

Just got back home from Dre's. I've been sharing this little place with a girl that was homeless for a little bit. She works as a dancer and her pimp let her stay with him and let me stay too if I provide him with some dope. Easy enough. He gave me my first hit of crack today. I also bought 2 pills of dope. I have to say that crack feels like coke to me. I tried coke over a year ago-and I honestly don't care for either. Naturally having anxiety and all that shit, I don't like anything that makes me hyper and all that like those 2 do, so I still prefer H forever. I just wanted to try crack, for general curiosity, but I don't care for it. He let me have a small amount of what was left of the crack to take home but I don't even have a stem or anything so I have to ask Rob if he has anything. After that, I'm over it. More expensive too.......eh
Anyway so but I mean, not to say I didn't love it, for the first 2 minutes....felt like a roller coaster great orgasmic high-yea but then came the tears, anxiety, panic, etc......

Friday, August 3, 2012

Flowing like water, out of my hands

I am already finished with this 1 pill I got today. Well that's not surprising. It's gone even faster because today's stuff was damn good. I really, really want to save a good amount that I can clearly feel for tomorrow when I go into the club. That means I HAVE to save it for tonight and I cannot give in and finish it tonight. I've been stealing change from Rob. It truly is a hassle to live as a junkie/addict but I would rather live this interestingly complicated, lonely, desperate life of an addict than a routine, boring, clean life. No, I didn't mean that. But I have to say, I do find the seedy world interesting. I came here for a reason. I stayed on the streets here for a reason. I always have. I know that's why I do heroin-at a very young age, around 14, I started to become obsessed and curious about heroin and strip clubs. I saw it as glamorized, rock star, etc- extremely still huh?Even more so, it's sad because I was curios about that crap at a very young age. I truly never had a youth I think. I think my youth was stolen from me early. That's why I don't know how else to cope without drugs/alcohol [The ibuprofen pm I stole is kicking in now. I recognize the sleeping pill feeling like the back of my hand. I used to have a several year history of abusing those as well, including an OD. It's strangely comforting, but my addiction in general is comforting.] How can wanting to do the right thing [get out] feel so bad and like the wrong choice? Why does wanting better for myself feel bad? Why is addiction so damn easy and so damn hard to get out of? Why is the choice of not getting high and staying clean seem so simple and so hard? I'm sure a lot of this is self sabotage too.....


New York Junkie

Just got a call from a dealer that my friend Angie knows. I met him before. He's from NY originally but he comes over here to see what kind of business he can get. He agreed to meet me next week and have me try some new stuff-China White. I heard about it only because of Nikki Sixx- that's the kind he mentioned in his book. Surprisingly I never read the book. Only parts of it in a book store. I say it's surprising because 1. Motley Crue is my favorite band and they are what got me into rock and music in general in the first place and I always saw Nikki as a musical idol. The thing with rock star's and their autobiographies is you never really know what's real and what isn't, so I am selective to actually buy Nikki's. Nikki Sixx book, Amazon.com
I guess that's the same for anyone, right? You never know what's real and what isn't.
Anyway so honestly I'd rather mess with this NY guy that Angie knows than go to where I go because it's faster and closer and.....don't know why but I'd say it's also probably safer. Well no, that's not true. I never felt -well maybe not never, but often I didn't feel nervous while getting stuff with Dre. I surely was nervous, somewhat, with Darrell. I never, ever copped with Darrell before. I don't know anything about him-other than he's a runner/dealer like Dre and he sometimes works as a door man/guard at some of the strip clubs I applied to.
He seems fine, nice, to me. But I know the rules of the street-never trust anyone in this game, no one. In a flash they could easier turn on you. They might even turn me in if they ever get popped, you know? But honestly, naively, I don't think that would ever happen. Perhaps I really should because I now realize how Dre protects himself. He even refuses to let me know his last name. Of course not. He's freaked I might turn him in. I was taking pictures of myself in his bathroom with my camera a few weeks ago and as soon as I left his house that day, he called Rob up right away and starting getting really paranoid thinking I was trying to get him arrested or trapped-I know I'd never do that ... and he knows I wouldn't but my behavior surely showed otherwise.

"Needle And The Damage Done"

I caught you knockin'
at my cellar door
I love you, baby,
can I have some more
Ooh, ooh, the damage done.

I hit the city and
I lost my band
I watched the needle
take another man
Gone, gone, the damage done.

I sing the song
because I love the man
I know that some
of you don't understand
Milk-blood
to keep from running out.

I've seen the needle
and the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie's
like a settin' sun.

- Neil Young

Loveless relationships and the ignorance of the non addict

Actually I'm glad that I activated my blog here again. I knew I had to continue to get my thoughts and experiences out since apparently I have no plans of quitting H-as badly as I want to.
About 20 minutes ago I sat there truly trying to open my heart and mind up. I forced myself to truly sit and think about why I hurt myself this way in this heroin addiction. Why do I use? Why am I sad? Well, turns out it's a lot of abandonment issues, stress, anxiety, etc. I so badly want a boyfriend-a honest, supportive, loving healthy relationship-but where do I get that? Every single guy I've been with has treated my badly. Not surprisingly, since I always felt lonely, I stayed with them-and then I wondered why they treated me like crap. In each relationship, I rushed, lost my sense of self, etc-so of course they'd all end the same-being dumped and used.
It wasn't truly until my last boyfriend which I dumped a year and a month ago. I was used in that and taken advantage of so badly it was sick. He'd ask me for money, have me pay for everything, never cared to visit me, didn't have a car, relied on my for everything-and yet he had a better paying career than I had. Seriously I finally got so fucking fed up that I said "fuck you, good bye you loser!" I never felt better after I left is his loser ass. Where'd I meet him? In the rehab I went to. yeah, bad choice-but so I mean-another situation of me ignoring the red flags early in the relationship and wanting to stay with him so I would at least have someone. Hell no, I am not like that anymore. I'd rather have no one than some idiot loser. But the thing of it is is that since I was in middle school I was so obsessed-rather worried-that I'd never find someone to be with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring a partner, companion-someone to support your goals and dreams, and be there for you, a good honest, healthy relationship-but it's wrong and no healthy when you lose yourself and only hang around them and let them be your entire life. That's what I was doing with every single boyfriend. And chances are if they allow this behavior, then they aren't good guys to begin with. You can generally tell someone's intentions early on and if you see red flags-figure out what's going on and if you aren't happy-evaluate the situation and leave. Now, I feel so scared to enter another relationship. I can't even fathom even having sex-not because H kills your sex drive, not about H at all-but about honestly, I hate to admit this but I think I lost faith in possibly having someone and meeting someone. I have to change my mentality before I can even think of being with someone. If I go into it with wrong thinking, it won't work-even if they have the best intentions. Me being attractive, smart, giving, loving, honest, loyal, pouring my heart to them and basically being a pretty damn good girlfriend- I think IMO, that doesn't mean I'll get someone right away. I have to realize that while finding someone to love in your life is amazing and love, relationships and marriage even should be respected and not treated as lightly as it is treated today, sadly, being with someone, sharing your lives together isn't your or their entire life-it should be a positive and healthy addition to life. You shouldn't drop your career, friends, goals, etc and only be around them. That's not right-but that's what I would do! So, now that I thoroughly have it figured out about what I need to change in myself-I need to put that to use and actually DO the change! But so then comes H- and my entire addiction/alcohol and pills-I will never be in a healthy mindset as long as I use drugs. I think that an addict can find a good gf/bf that isn't a user and the relationship can work but in the end, the addict has to quit or it won't work forever. I don't think you need to be sober when you find or are with someone that is good- but I think it really truly boils down to-as long as you are using, you aren't solving any problems- therefore you aren't bettering yourself and giving that person the respect they deserve-and you certainly aren't respecting yourself if you are still using-so in the end, you truly have to be sober to appreciate the bf/gf.
Many people think that finding a partner in AA/NA isn't good-but I disagree. Sometimes it honestly helps if your partner is an addict, but has good long clean time-so they can truly understand the struggles you are going through. NOTHING irks me more than people that aren't addicts. We are two different breeds-addicted persons and non addicted persons. Non addicted persons have NO CLUE about the psychological, emotional damage, information, and facts that go with addiction. If you aren't an addict, do not voice your opinion as if you personally know what's going on. That's it. I don't want to hear it and God knows other addicts don't either. This is why I LOVE and truly grasp the point of what Layne Staley sang in Junkhead. Jerry Cantrell and Layne Staley wrote this. It was their way of expressing their thoughts on drug abuse and how you can't understand the mind of a drug user unless you are one yourself. The lyrics I'm referring to are- "You can't understand a user's mind. But try, with your books and degrees. If you let yourself go and opened your mind, I'll bet you'd be doing like me. And it ain't so bad"
You idiots actually think for one second that you understand the insanity, pain, and freedom of the addict just because you read something about it from some Dr. Drew book? Whatever. Please, spare me with that BS.

New place, new score-possibly lethal combination

Well I was sick as shit as soon as I woke up. On Monday I went to see Dre, hoping he had a Suboxone but he didn't and his guy didn't either, so I was forced to settle with 1 pill of dope. I didn't want to go back home empty handed so I opted for H. So then I was sick yesterday all day but it wasn't too bad. At night is usually when my symptoms, especially feeling restless, become increased, but thankfully it wasn't bad last night. But then this morning, I sat on the edge of my bed crying, sick, contemplating going back to see Dre-only one issue-when I did get to his house, he wasn't there. I banged on the basement door where his roomate, Darrell, stays. Thankfully Darrell was home. Several weeks ago when I went to see Dre, on a Sunday, they were both home, but sleeping heavily, so they didn't hear me know. Because of that I ended up having to cop on my own-and that was when I met that stripper girl that sold it to me.
Anyway, so I had to go through a done of BS with Darrell just to get one---ONE pill of dope this morning. I haven't been able to afford more than 1 or 2 pills lately. I am desperately waiting to get my first check from this new job I'm at. That won't come for another week or two. Til then, I'm saving whatever money I have in my account and stealing the rest from the house.......
Anyway so around noon, Darrel and myself drove to a new area-well near the strip clubs I applied to-a few blocks from there. We had a hard time finding the dealer Darrell knows so we had to go around in circles several times til we spotted the guy. Of course the guy was mad that I only wanted 1,for $15 but F him-I'm not spending money I don't have -if I can afford it,I'll get it, and today, $15 was all I could afford.
Actually, I only  brought change with me, not bills, because I assumed I'd just  be dealing with Dre- so Darrell had to front the money for my dope-what a nice guy, and all I had to do was pay Darrell $5 in change....lol poor guy
So then after we scored, he wanted me to drop him off closer to the inner city/tourist area, so after I dropped him off I headed home. I was honestly intending on going to school after I scored, that is assuming Dre was home and it wouldn't be as stressful as it ended up being-and it was too hot out so I just went home.
So about the lethal combination-as soon as I got home around 2:15, I did a few lines of the H-and thankfully it was good shit-[better than Dre's dope;don't tell him that ;) ] Then about 15 minutes ago, I mixed 2 lines of H with ibuprofen pm and Midocardis- a blood pressure pill-and I'm assuming all of this will really lower my heart rate but hoping this won't kill me-here's my proof typed on here, if that matters.........I'm only noting this because the Midocardis is known to make you dizzy, weak, lower heart rate-typical of a blood pressure/stress pill, and you all know H already lowers the heart rate as it is, so we'll see.....

My blog is back! My pain isn't for your entertainment though....

Sorry to my many readers about briefly deleting my blog. My paranioa got the best of me. I'm back though! But the thought did cross my mind-this isn't entertainment for you all, is it? My pain isn't your entertainment right? You all do realize I'm in a hellish addiction and this isn't fiction, right? Yes this is my choice to create this blog and let strangers read about my life, but I hope people, especially those that aren't addicts, realize what an awful thing this is to live with. Just a thought............