Actually I'm glad that I activated my blog here again. I knew I had
to continue to get my thoughts and experiences out since apparently I
have no plans of quitting H-as badly as I want to.
About 20
minutes ago I sat there truly trying to open my heart and mind up. I
forced myself to truly sit and think about why I hurt myself this way in
this heroin addiction. Why do I use? Why am I sad? Well, turns out it's
a lot of abandonment issues, stress, anxiety, etc. I so badly want a
boyfriend-a honest, supportive, loving healthy relationship-but where do
I get that? Every single guy I've been with has treated my badly. Not
surprisingly, since I always felt lonely, I stayed with them-and then I
wondered why they treated me like crap. In each relationship, I rushed,
lost my sense of self, etc-so of course they'd all end the same-being
dumped and used.
It wasn't truly until my last boyfriend which I dumped a year and a month ago. I was used in that and taken advantage of so badly it was sick. He'd ask me for money, have me pay for everything, never cared to visit me, didn't have a car, relied on my for everything-and yet he had a better paying career than I had. Seriously I finally got so fucking fed up that I said "fuck you, good bye you loser!" I never felt better after I left is his loser ass. Where'd I meet him? In the rehab I went to. yeah, bad choice-but so I mean-another situation of me ignoring the red flags early in the relationship and wanting to stay with him so I would at least have someone. Hell no, I am not like that anymore. I'd rather have no one than some idiot loser. But the thing of it is is that since I was in middle school I was so obsessed-rather worried-that I'd never find someone to be with. There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring a partner, companion-someone to support your goals and dreams, and be there for you, a good honest, healthy relationship-but it's wrong and no healthy when you lose yourself and only hang around them and let them be your entire life. That's what I was doing with every single boyfriend. And chances are if they allow this behavior, then they aren't good guys to begin with. You can generally tell someone's intentions early on and if you see red flags-figure out what's going on and if you aren't happy-evaluate the situation and leave. Now, I feel so scared to enter another relationship. I can't even fathom even having sex-not because H kills your sex drive, not about H at all-but about honestly, I hate to admit this but I think I lost faith in possibly having someone and meeting someone. I have to change my mentality before I can even think of being with someone. If I go into it with wrong thinking, it won't work-even if they have the best intentions. Me being attractive, smart, giving, loving, honest, loyal, pouring my heart to them and basically being a pretty damn good girlfriend- I think IMO, that doesn't mean I'll get someone right away. I have to realize that while finding someone to love in your life is amazing and love, relationships and marriage even should be respected and not treated as lightly as it is treated today, sadly, being with someone, sharing your lives together isn't your or their entire life-it should be a positive and healthy addition to life. You shouldn't drop your career, friends, goals, etc and only be around them. That's not right-but that's what I would do! So, now that I thoroughly have it figured out about what I need to change in myself-I need to put that to use and actually DO the change! But so then comes H- and my entire addiction/alcohol and pills-I will never be in a healthy mindset as long as I use drugs. I think that an addict can find a good gf/bf that isn't a user and the relationship can work but in the end, the addict has to quit or it won't work forever. I don't think you need to be sober when you find or are with someone that is good- but I think it really truly boils down to-as long as you are using, you aren't solving any problems- therefore you aren't bettering yourself and giving that person the respect they deserve-and you certainly aren't respecting yourself if you are still using-so in the end, you truly have to be sober to appreciate the bf/gf.
Many people think that finding a partner in AA/NA isn't good-but I disagree. Sometimes it honestly helps if your partner is an addict, but has good long clean time-so they can truly understand the struggles you are going through. NOTHING irks me more than people that aren't addicts. We are two different breeds-addicted persons and non addicted persons. Non addicted persons have NO CLUE about the psychological, emotional damage, information, and facts that go with addiction. If you aren't an addict, do not voice your opinion as if you personally know what's going on. That's it. I don't want to hear it and God knows other addicts don't either. This is why I LOVE and truly grasp the point of what Layne Staley sang in Junkhead. Jerry Cantrell and Layne Staley wrote this. It was their way of
expressing their thoughts on drug abuse and how you can't understand the
mind of a drug user unless you are one yourself. The lyrics I'm referring to are- "You can't understand a user's mind. But try, with your books and degrees. If you let yourself go and opened your mind, I'll bet you'd be doing like me. And it ain't so bad"
You idiots actually think for one second that you understand the insanity, pain, and freedom of the addict just because you read something about it from some Dr. Drew book? Whatever. Please, spare me with that BS.
