I am already finished with this 1 pill I got today. Well that's not surprising. It's gone even faster because today's stuff was damn good. I really, really want to save a good amount that I can clearly feel for tomorrow when I go into the club. That means I HAVE to save it for tonight and I cannot give in and finish it tonight. I've been stealing change from Rob. It truly is a hassle to live as a junkie/addict but I would rather live this interestingly complicated, lonely, desperate life of an addict than a routine, boring, clean life. No, I didn't mean that. But I have to say, I do find the seedy world interesting. I came here for a reason. I stayed on the streets here for a reason. I always have. I know that's why I do heroin-at a very young age, around 14, I started to become obsessed and curious about heroin and strip clubs. I saw it as glamorized, rock star, etc- extremely still huh?Even more so, it's sad because I was curios about that crap at a very young age. I truly never had a youth I think. I think my youth was stolen from me early. That's why I don't know how else to cope without drugs/alcohol [The ibuprofen pm I stole is kicking in now. I recognize the sleeping pill feeling like the back of my hand. I used to have a several year history of abusing those as well, including an OD. It's strangely comforting, but my addiction in general is comforting.] How can wanting to do the right thing [get out] feel so bad and like the wrong choice? Why does wanting better for myself feel bad? Why is addiction so damn easy and so damn hard to get out of? Why is the choice of not getting high and staying clean seem so simple and so hard? I'm sure a lot of this is self sabotage too.....
