Post from July 13, 2012

For some reason I am really getting a kick out of reading my posts from the past...."This past week alone I already had several downfalls. 1st Downfall-Copping on my own on Sunday because I was sick as shit in withdrawal and that day I wasn't able to get a hold of Dre so I had to cop because I felt like shit and I was not going to return home empty handed and sick. 2nd Downfall- Monday finally seeing Dre, he gave me 4 Suboxone strips and a small amount of heroin and sent me home. Only I didn't go straight home. I went to Angie's and bought about 7 Xanax's. Within a 3 hour period I took all 7 and that's when I mixed it with the Suboxone strips and the heroin. Because I was high as hell, almost to the point of overdosing, I got the grand idea of going to the city and stripping. <--- 3rd Downfall."

[[It's My Decision to End My Addiction

July 13, 2012

Well I did it. I threw away then paper that had Dre and Angie's addresses on it. I memorized how to get to Dre's house without needed anything written down at this point but it was the symbol and action of throwing the address paper away that truly helped me quit, try to quit, this entire addiction once and for all. I felt so guilty for hurting my mom when she found out about me going to the strip club-and I have been feeling guilty about this entire addiction, lying, stealing, ect.- that I have to get out.  I don't know what will happen next. Is Dre a bad guy? No. He has tried to get me to quit for weeks. He gave me methadone and suboxones- not at once- to help me get off H and not get sick but I practically ignore him. He wanted to take me to meetings and I ignore-so he tries to help, he isn't bad but at the same time, he will still take my money and still let me buy H. What do I mean let me? No one can stop me but me. It's my decision and no one else needs to help me but I should be appreciative that I am not around truly crappy people and I am around those that want to help. Even Rob..I can't stand him but he has been regretting that he ever gave me that first hit of H in the first place months ago. I have been tired and frustrated in this addiction for months now and I have been dragging my feet-not wanting to buy it, not wanting to steal to get money, not wanting to constantly be poor because I'm wasting my money on this shit. It's not a fun lifestyle at all to be in a heroin addiction and hey-if I am finally trying to get out, then good. This past week alone I already had several downfalls. 1st Downfall-Copping on my own on Sunday because I was sick as shit in withdrawal and that day I wasn't able to get a hold of Dre so I had to cop because I felt like shit and I was not going to return home empty handed and sick. 2nd Downfall- Monday finally seeing Dre, he gave me 4 Suboxone strips and a small amount of heroin and sent me home. Only I didn't go straight home. I went to Angie's and bought about 7 Xanax's. Within a 3 hour period I took all 7 and that's when I mixed it with the Suboxone strips and the heroin. Because I was high as hell, almost to the point of overdosing, I got the grand idea of going to the city and stripping. <--- 3rd Downfall. So in only what, 3 days, I went to hell in a hand basket, each situation worst than the one before it. I'm not the only one going through this. I have been hurting my parents for years in this addiction. God only knows what is next, and I know Him or angels or someone or something has kept me alive this long and kept me from getting arrested and I know that I have to quit  forever before something awful happens. Thankfully I haven't had any withdrawal symptoms yet but just in case I do get that I have 1 more Suboxone strip left. I have to change my behavior, want better in my life and.....just change my mentality and stop being so self hating and negative and BS-that mentality is what drives my addiction! I CHOOSE to do stupid stuff. Copping on my own was my own DECISION. Yes I was at the mercy of withdrawals and a slave to heroin but that was still a choice. Stripping was my DECISION-another awful and dangerous choice, but still a choice nonetheless. So what's next? My decision to quit......]]