Diary 1- Rehab, Diary of the Addicted.
December 28, 2010
Prayer For The Day:
I pray that I may be grateful. I pray that I may not forget where I might be but for the grace of God.
Just For Today:
I will allow knowledge of my true nature to guide my actions. Today, I will face the world as myself.I was surprisingly able to sleep last night. I'm still adjusting to being here in rehab and trying to adjust to the other people here. Things seems fine to me. I am glad I met with Nikki, the counselor. The one on one conversations help me a lot to self recognize. I value that I'm so honest and loyal. I think those two things will be a huge help in me solving and realizing things about myself. I want to come out of this recovery a more positive thinker about myself and my overall situation. I no longer want to look at my home situation as a bad thing, and believe that good will come soon. I want to figure out why I do what I do: constant negative life experiences drive my drinking. I feel like I look at this present situation, being in rehab, as jail or a punishment, so that's partially why I want to leave here so badly, when I should see this as a much needed push. I feel I am at a crossroads. I know I can no longer continue what I'm doing and I've admitted I need help for my situation, and I shouldn't feel like what I admit to Nikki as punishment or be so careful about what I say. I have always known that I lacked confidence, but it has taken me years to admit it to myself or use that word. If a word has a negative social stigma, I'll ignore it.
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December 29, 2010
Prayer For The Day:
I pray that my life may be balanced between prayer and work. I pray that I may not work without prayer or pray without work.
Just For Today:
I seek to see myself as I truly am. I will listen to what others say about me and see myself through their eyes.
I thought a lot about why I'm here last night, as I do every night. I know I put myself here by my actions and that I can get myself out. I know that my plan when I leave here is to meet with my therapist, to find a job and probably get back on food stamps. As soon as I am out of the house and working I'll naturally feel better about myself. A strength I think I'll gain by being here is the ability to be more social. I've always been social, more than I think. To deter me from going back to my old behavior could be to think of the worst possible thing that happened to me while drinking. While in a group with Elissa yesterday, we were asked to think of our worst moment in our drinking or drugging. I guess what happened recently could be a moment. I learned that it's not about our moments that need to be the same but it ends up becoming about how we felt. I can easily relate to how they felt and I could relate to many parts of the NA (Narcotics Anonymous) meeting guest's stories on the first day of my time in this rehab. I know I've gotten through the first of the twelve steps of NA/ AA (Alcoholics Anonymous)- "Admitting this has made my life unmanageable". I know I've been struggling to get to the first step for a couple of weeks now. I realized that even though I really should not be living that way, I blame a block in life as the reason. Partially I blame a heredity issue and the other half really is my own mindset. Really since it's all about how we think about ourselves, and if I stay in the negative mentality, I'll continue to drink. The negative mentality drives what I do; when I know there's no reason that I should have allowed to let alcohol take me this far. So I sit and think; partially it's a habitual reason as to why I do the pills. Especially since I don't get a withdrawal if I don't take them. So why do I keep taking them? Especially also since I hate the feeling I get when I take them. I absolutely hate the feeling I get. But of course I do like the feeling I get from the drink- whether I get sick or not. I'm coming to a crossroads and I need to and want to quit. I know I've hurt people and I've been think about that a lot lately. I think a big thing is impatience. I feel better physically today. A little nausea and dizziness but no headache. I'm adjusting well socially too. It's not just about the drinking issue as it is the living situation. I've felt the need to move out for a while but I know some of my habits won't change and there won't be as much of a need to look for work if I stay home. Volunteering has been something that I want told to do to get out of the house and meet people.
I just came back from my first women's NA meeting next door at the halfway house. I surprisingly like it a lot. One of the things I knew I wanted to get out of this rehab experience is not only to be more social and get out of my comfort zone, but to hear others stories about their own addictions. One of the things I knew I wanted for days before coming to rehab was a chance to no longer be alone socially and to hear stories from other addicts. I knew that a big thing of understanding my problems would be to relate to others. Everyone thinks their alone and the only one thinking stuff. They aren't. I always thought and still do think I'm alone and I know I'm not. The three big things I was able to relate to at the women's meeting was 1. Thinking you are alone in your disease and you are the only one thinking certain things. 2. Not being social with other women. 3. Relating to others. I think it hits harder and means more when the stories come from other women.
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