Only When I'm Drunk.......

I moved to California in August of 2013. Then, I had no idea whatsoever that I would end up staying here in California. It's now January of 2014.....wow! Seriously, wow! I mean, look...I came from the east coast from a really bad situation. I was doing heroin, running out of money, getting desperate, selling my jewelry, musical instruments, and my safety.......for what? For a drug.....a drug that gave myself, and so many others a safe feelings of security and happiness. My Lord, when I really think about the shit I used to do before I moved to California.......I can't even go there......expect when I drink............>>>>..
It is now January of 2014...I am not "sober" from alcohol-well, I guess I am when you consider I used to really drink-but I am totally sober from heroin-and deep, deep down I am proud that I no longer do that shit.......eventhough I miss using, only when I am drunk. I just miss the high it used to give. I don't miss the shit lifestyle, the lies, the crap people, losers, lies, situations, locations, etc.......I don't miss that AT ALL-but I do miss the feelings---and sometimes I miss the feeling heroin used to give me so much as to where I start to think up reasons to ask my co workers and new friends if they know anyone that has pills or does more than weed......but that never lasts long. I just miss it enough only when I'm really buzzed/drunk-which is rare. I don't even drink that much. I can't even really remember the last time I got drunk. Each time I do happen to get drunk, I wonder how I even managed that much alcohol back then.....my tolerance for alcohol has lessened, changed.....I can't even imagine how I used to drink.....whoohoo

Anyway........oh well......I have long lost the contact with the people I used to get it from or even communicate with. When I think about how it would be to return back to my home, my parent's home on the east coast, I can only think of one person that I THINK would still have something- ie pills- but that's it.....if anything. so What the point? oh Lord.......one part of me is so glad that heroin and that entire drug lifestyle is long gone but another half of me still mourns it.......