I am still clean off of heroin but it is relly getting to me today. I bought 10 more xanax pills yesterday and drank with them throughout last night. I miss Dre and even miss Rob so much. It's my loneliness that causes me to want to talk to them again not even to buy anything but just to talk. The last time I went to Dre's house was last week when he gave me a couple suboxones. He assumed I was there to buy heroin but I said I was done with that. The only reason I want to be done with heroin is because 1 can't afford it, 2. i wasnt getting the euphoria feeling anymore 3 i didnt want to go through another situation of me not being able to get a hold of him and ending up having to buy it on my own from strangers 4 the withdrawal ....and I know it's best if I don't pick it up again because i know that if I do, I'll end up where I left off with it-in a desperate situation. I actually thought Dre was my friend. How could I think that? He's my dealer, he takes my money, he won't even tell me his last name. Sure he tries helping me and cares enough about me as a person to try and get me to quit-which is why he gave me suboxones. He said he knew what he was doing- get me on suboxones to get me off the heroin addiction, take my money and not bother with me again. I can easily go up there again and see him. I know his schedule and I know where he lives. Maybe I'll go see him tomorrow morning. I just......miss him-as a friend-yes. I'm that lonely I see adrug dealer as a friend.
No one cares about me. No one even knows I've been on heroin or anything I've been going through in this last year.
I didn't get to sleep last night until 5am. I caught a cool Alice in Chains interview on tv so I forced myself to stay up even tough I was so damn dead drained tired from the xanaxs I took throughout the day.
Angie, the girl that gives me Xanax told me she knows a heroin dealer that comes from NY and he wants to talk to me. She told him I do/did heroin and he has some business proposition for me. I really don't want to get involved in any illegal business plan-so I declined but hey-if he can get me H, why not? Jesus-when will I get it!? I cannot afford it. I cannot deal with it financially, emotionally, mentally-so why all the sudden do I want it again? I only kept seeing Dre for H because i trust him. He never put me in a situation that would get me in trouble. I never even had to go to the area he bought it from. I'd just sit in the car and wait for him to walk over and buy it. That safe. That simple. Why would I even contemplate wanting to mess with some stranger dealer from NY!? The only thing that hasn't happened to me so far in the heroin addiction was getting arrested and I will never allow that to happen.
Sorry I haven't posted an entry lately. Glad you all enjoy reading. Also, thank you to those that added themselves to my Facebook page!
I just find myself in such a strange situation. I feel so lonely and uncomfortable, akward sober. I miss the chaos, frustraiton and BS involved with H but I know I don't miss it.....I dreaded it for months. But that was my norm. It's not normal but for me, that lifestyle that went with being a heroin addict is comforting, normal. I had a good conversation with Denise, Sean Kinney's sister. Sean is the drummer from AIC. Denise was in alcoholism and we talk about my struggles- I try to talk to whomever I can because I feel I don't have anyone I can share how I feel with. She said there will be days when I miss H and I have to learn how to ignore those cravings. She said if I went back, I'd get into it even deeper and I believe that. At this point, if money were no object, I'd get tons of it and just.......I don't even know-but I miss it and...I miss even the things I hated when I was in it. So how will this end? These past few days I wish I ODed. I really wish I had more suboxone with this xanax so I could just end it. Even though I quit H, I still cannot stand my existence. Because it's not just about H. It's about my entire 14 year addiction. It's not about the drug-it's about not dealing with the underlying pain I haven't dealt with yet. Addiction is a choice but it is a disease. Nothing annoys me more than people that don't understand that addiction is a disease of the mind. The mind and nothing else. Ultimately it's about not dealing with the pain and situations that hurt you-the reason why you drug yourself in the first place. How do you think people end up homeless or dead? Because this addiction takes over-even if you want to stop it's just so hard to change your mindset. I wish I had a whole new brain. I wish I could knock out everything drug and addiction related out of my mind and start new. That's how bad it is. It's about rewiring your thinking. How do I even start to deal with my issues? I know the problem is that I am doing this alone. I need someone to help me but I don't want to sit there and explain my history. Don't tell me how I feel-I know myself and my problem better than anyone so I really don't want to hear your BS. Unless you are personally are an addict yourself, you don't understand. It's more than whatever crap you read in a book. It's about personal experience.
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