I just had the grand idea of starting a blog online based on my rehab diary. Of course, I'd change my name. I was on the drug forum I frequently visit and there was a thread about heroin-related books. I wrote down a few in hopes of buying them on Amazon in the future. I just finished reading a book that was on the book list. It was a journal about a 20-something addict who ended up a stripped. The book was called Beauty Queen by Linda Glovach. It reminds me of Go Ask Alice. Currently I am waiting on a horror movie to come from Amazon that I ordered. I drove up with Rob today. I bought 4 pills. They come in clear capsules. They are strong, but not as strong as the other kinds we've been getting. A big part of me didn't want to go. I just wanted to stop going through the hassle of making sure I have enough cash, driving to buy it, fear of getting caught, etc. This is really starting to become a hassle-and I know it is an addiction-because sometimes I don't want to go but I go anyway.
I remember how my alcoholism ended. Before I went into the rehab, I ended up overdosing on anxiety pills and alcohol. I went to the hospital and shortly from there, rehab. My parents were on vacation and I was home alone.
I don't quit because I love the feeling H gives me It's better than drinking. When I don't have H, I take my mom's valiums. It gives me the same feeling. I felt so sad today as I went to go pickup Rob. I really do want to get out of this addiction, and maybe I am in a big denial because all I can think is that I am so surprised by how quickly all of this is happening since I started heroin. For once, I feel guilty for having to lie to my parents. Every time I go pick up Rob and we go to get it, I tell my mom I am going to visit my friend and go to an AA meeting. I met this nice girl Lindsay a few months ago in AA.I know my mom feels sad and bad that I am putting through all of this but this hellish addiction/obsession is what drives me. What connection needs to be made to get an addict to stop this bad behavior? It's so hard to understand a users mind. I wish I could put a new, fresh brain inside. I wish I never had this addiction. I wish I never had a drinking problem either. It's hard to forget the reasons why you started this in the first place. I feel like I don't have a bottom. I have been through bad things and have had things happen to me and yet I am still doing this. I found Ace Frehley's website [from the band Kiss], and he has a part on his site where people can ask him questions. He is about 4 years sober. He was a guest on Sober House 2. I loved watching that show because I got to see Mike Starr. Mike is the ex bassist from Alice in Chains.
[later that day...]
I slept all day today because I stayed up all night from being too high to sleep. By 5 am I was starting to get really tired. I have a doctor's appointments tomorrow. I'm going to try and get some anxiety or pain pills.
No comments:
Post a Comment