March 25, 2012

March 25, 2012

It's been a while since I wrote anything. I'm never sure how to start an entry so I'll just jump into what's been going on. I've been attending cosmetology school to learn how to become a hairstylist since early March. I love it and am so thrilled that I finally found a career. It has taken me many years to figure out what kind of career I want. Now that I found myself a successful, interesting, creative career, I can seriously start to figure out how to get out of this addiction. One of the reasons I started drinking 13 years ago was because I felt so badly about failing school,  not being able to keep a job and having this learning disability. So, hell, now that I found something and I'm still doing good at work, why do I keep this addiction going? It should be easy to quit now, right? The frustration, anger, abuse can't continue any longer.

I don't talk to Joe at all anymore, thank God. I dropped him and never looked back. I think that made me stronger of a person, to leave him. If I had stayed, I would seriously be stupid. That means I want to do better and be with respectful people. Of course I do!

Today at work we had Phyto Appreciation Day. Phyto is a company of hair styliing products such as shampoos, conditioners, sprays, creams,etc. To celebrate and give to the customer's, we had mimosas which is champagne and orange juice. That is why I want to work in this industry; it's way more creative and open and more fun than working a desk job. I worked as an administrative assistant for several years. I've worked in doctor's offices, for the city/government, and other businesses and even though I'm good at it, especially typing and computer-related stuff, I find it so boring. After my last desk job, I swore I'd never do that line of work again. That is what really helped me with finding hairstyling as a career. Well, it was between styling and veterinarian or vet assistant. I love animals but I couldn't stand seeing them when they are injured or sick so I chose hair.

Why is it so hard for me to believe that I am worth it to have a good, respectful man and keep a good career? I hate this word, low self esteem, but I think I have it. I think it's because of my history having this learning disability and all through school being told I can't do this or that and in high school I was actually told not to bother getting a diploma and just settle for the GED. Can you believe that? You try having that shit told to you for years growing up and you see how you turn out. Now that I have all these opportunities and chances to choose a career I don't know what to do with it. All I can think is that I'll fail, have it taken away, won't succeed, my disability will creep in. That's why I didn't finish college. I was majoring in Criminal Justice and I didn't finish because of the damn teachers not helping me. I was doing fine in police classes and the sociology class I was taking  but the English  class was shit and the teacher was a typical idiot bitch who didn't try helping me and of course it's easier for them to just fail their students and wash their hands of it so to speak than to actually help. So that's why I choose cosmetology because I don't need to take academic classes.

I drew an idea for my new tattoo. It will be a tribute tattoo about Mike Starr. It's a bass guitar music symbol with a small star near it. It will  be all black. He died in early March, actually. He overdosed on Xanax and methadone. Really sad. That is what inspired me to get this tattoo. I watched him when I was in rehab and watched him on the Sober House show and he was such a good person. He lost his battle. I did a couple of AIC/ Mike related paintings which people online really like.