July 8, 2012
Did my last bit of heroin this morning before I went to my sister's house. I'm already starting to feel the withdrawals. This is the part I hate the most about this whole thing. The withdrawals get worst every time. I hate running out. I absolutely hate it but then again I also hate this whole mess in general. I wish I knew how free it felt to not be trapped in this. I'm tired of wasting my money, making the trip to get it, etc. I've been tired of it for a long time. Yet, I find the door to get out. I'm trapped.
It starts with the runny nose and sneezing and ends with the chills, sweats, muscle pain, etc. I've said this before and I'll say it again: I didn't know what addiction truly was until I tried this. I didn't know what a problem really was before this.
I saw the movie Rent earlier today. Didn't know it had that much to do with heroin but it's about AIDS but still it had a good amount of heroin use in it. I never saw the musical. The only musical I did see was The Lion King in NY back in 1999 with my acting group in high school.
This, during withdrawals, is when I absolutely hate the drug the most. I mean, I tried to kill myself several months it was so bad. I figured the only way to get out of this was to die. That's how bad it is. That's how crazy I've started to think. That is how crazy and desperate this crap has made me. It's so simple to erase the dealer's numbers from my phone, make the decision to stop getting it-just get through the withdrawal and quit for good but at the same time all of that is the hardest thing to go through. I still wake up every day and cannot believe I even do heroin. Sure I was obsessed for years but really, to actually really do it......I still can't believe it. There is a big denial and I know that is what's making all of this difficult. I swear I get so angry with myself for being in this. I feel I have fallen prey to this like the other addicts. I have become a slave to this demon drug like so many others. I'm going against my own self. I do not want to go tomorrow and get more. I don't want to spend/waste that money. I don't want to waste that gas. I don't! I don't! But I do it again anyway. I cave in anyway.....
Hi, I came across your blog and decided to follow it. I am also a heroin addict. I feel the same way....I still find it hard to believe that I am a heroin addict.I just can't believe it...I am not the typical addict I guess. Noone would ever guess that I use heroin. SO I know what ya mean. Anyway..just saying hey.
ReplyDeletethank you. I was worried no one would find and want to read this so I'm glad you enjoy it. yea, no one believes I do this. I hard a hard time believing it. it's good to talk to someone that understands. thanks again!
DeleteSame here.
ReplyDeleteAll of that. Lol.
I'm currently dabbling in other things to keep from getting H.
I was on it pretty bad for what seemed like two months but was nearly a year. Got myself off of it with Suboxone.
Ran out of Sub, withdrawals for almost a week! Then more Sub. Ran out. WD. Then Dilaudid. Which is like the next step down from H!
Ran out, no money, three weeks til persons refill.
Did that a few times. And why do I go back??
Only another addict will understand.
Ended up getting some ice cream, which was my DOC before H.
It was CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY shit!!
Four days later, no dope, time for Dil again!!
Few days into that, I end up with a half a g of H.
Made it last ALMOST three whole days! Only BC of Dil tho!
So the Dil is gone. Couple days go by and I know the withdrawals are coming!
So here I am. Awake. With no intentions of sleeping tonight.
Ughh.
Sometimes I say "I absolutely HATE being an addict!"
But then again.. I wouldn't be who I am today!!