June 7, 2012
I went to Dre's house this morning around 9am to buy $100.00 worth of heroin. Dre is Rob's dealer. He said he'll find someone with methadone to help me get off of heroin without feeling those hellish withdrawals. I talked to Denise, Sean's sister today. We talked about how girls tend to lose themselves and their identity when they have a boyfriend and I know that was one of my issues. I would rush into a relationship, didn't care to see the bold red flags, I'd ignore my work, goals, other friends and only would want to hang with that guy, they'd use me, they'd leave, same story every time. In order to get a decent person I need to change my bad habits and instead of rushing, I should take my time to actually get to know them. That's why I think the best thing I did was leave that loser, Joe. Well, I shouldn't have gotten with him in the first place. Come on, I met him in a rehab, what the hell did I think would happen? I'm not saying all people in rehab are shitty, because I was there and I want something good and real, but ......it's more about the type of person, not where you meet them. I also shouldn't chase them and demand their attention. If they aren't interested, leave them. This has to do with my addiction as well. That is why overall it's the best thing to quit entirely. Other than my disability/work/school reasons, I also drank because I had social issues and couldn't find a good person/guy. I know that addicts do what they do because they are trying to numb their pain and not face/fix anything. So, in order to fix things and change, they have to quit or they won't solve anything. People sadly don't agree but addiction is a mentality, a psychological issue, not a medical issue. Addiction is in the mind. It's not about withdrawing or body issues. It is a disease; for some reason people don't want to admit this, but yes, it's a disease of the mind, not body. Addiction is the only disease people have to be convinced they have. If you tell someone they have cancer, ok they may have trouble accepting it and may have some denial, but after a while they get on board. But for many, addiction is something many people never come to terms with and that is what ends up killing them. The drug/drink itself doesn't kill them either, btw. What kills is organ damage, cancer,etc caused by the drug or drink. Addition is a science and you haven't understand it first before tackling it.
My reason for drinking/ drugging-depression due to disability, losing jobs, not keeping good guys because I rush each relationship and pick shitty guys. Therefore I feel depressed/bad about those things so I drink/drug. Then what ends up happening is you end up feeling guilty, depressed because you find yourself in an addiction/trap from the drink/drug and then it becomes a cycle/loop. You drug because you're sad. Then you feel sad about it and so then you keep drugging......on and on. The best thing is to quit. Make that decision and put down the drink/drug, delete the numbers,etc and quit. Quitting is the easiest and hardest decision ever. It's as simple as changing where you live, who you know, dealers numbers, etc and yet it takes so much will power and strength to do it....to actually do it!
There's something in the AA book that says "self knowing means nothing" That's true. To know you have an issue is a good first start but it really means shit unless you DO something about it. If not, you are sitting there for months, years just knowing.......the first step in AA's 12 steps really mean nothing. There should be a 0 step. The first step is "admitting we were powerless" ok.......knowing/admitting means NOTHING if we aren't willing to DO something about it! That is how people die-they don't DO anything about it. They just go in a circle, "I feel sad about x,y,z so I'll drink....then I feel sad because of my life situation." I know my situation would get a tad better if I quit. I know it! I'd save my money, I wouldn't be lying, etc....so hell, why stay? Well that is the mental/psychological part. Addiction is so deeply rooted in our brains that is takes years to get a hold of and you literally have to alter your entire mindset. It's basically almost like getting an entire new brain/wiring. You basically have to hard wire your brain/mindset, mentality,etc differently in order to make the right decisions and get out. That's why you cannot do it alone. You need doctors, therapists. In order to do that I would need to stop going back and forth and denying. I think I'll be on the 1st step for a long time.........
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