The only ones that know. H, my best friend

July 11, 12

Occasional I talk to Gayle Starr, Mike Starr's mom through Facebook. I think of her as my second mom sometimes. I've told her things I would never be brave enough to tell my own mother. I told her about mixing the drugs I did the other day, I told her about all the awful things I've done and heroin and how guilty I feel and how depressed I am......she once told me that Mike is looking down on me and hoping I choose a better life. She says she prays for me and hopes I get out alive.....but I don't want to quit heroin-I just want all the bad things to go away. But that won't ever happen. Heroin is a love/hate thing for me. The one thing that tearing my life up is the one thing I hold so close. I haven't talked to Nancy, Layne Staley's mom in a while but I she used to try and get me to quit as well. If I know damn well that it's the drugs that are harming me yet God no I don't .......I cannot live life without something in me. SOMETHING. I am way too depressed and have too much anxiety to be sober........Is it worth it?Sometimes, yes. Heroin does have it's pros. My body looks beautiful, I get so many compliments-and maybe I do buy into that. It was the worst fucking decision to ever start heroin in the first place. I late August, it will be an exact year since I've started. It wasn't only a mistake because of the downfall, but because once you know the high, you don't want anything else. Once you meet H, you are tied at the hip. Sure you'll die, lose your soul-but all you can think about is as long you have heroin, nothing else matters.......all other things pass. Things you do and feel guilty about, that passes, because you have your best friend by your side.