June 4, 2012
I threw my hands up. I quit. Desperation, hunger, anger, guilt has lead me to the end of the road. In only 3 months I lost over 20 lbs. I went from 145 to 125 lbs. The mixed up thing is people constantly say to me " you look so good!" and all I can think is, 'if you only knew how I was losing this weight.... Don't they get it? I mean, don't the people that compliment me question why and how I lost such a noticeable amount of weight so fast? I can't even give them a real answer. When someone asks me about the weight all I can say is something like, "I cut my food portions in half, I'm working now and going to school so I'm out and about..." ok-seriously, going to school,work,etc doesn't have anything to do with losing weight. Starving and possible drug use does. I just wonder if people truly question something going on with me and don't say anything. I don't talk to Rob much anymore, the guy that gets the heroin for me. I couldn't wait to get his loser ass out of my life so I got his dealer's number and I go directly to him. Rob basically handed that opportunity to me.
One day we were at his dealer's house and a big storm was ripping through the area and I wanted to go home but Rob wanted to stay there so Rob wrote down directions on how to get home. I saved those directions, reversed them so it would show me how to drive back to the dealer's house. His dealer gave me his number so now I have his number and directions so I don't have to go through Rob ever again. What a sucker!
Surprisingly the dealer wants me to quit. He said he doesn't see me doing this and he said "God doesn't want you in this" and that is very true. This wasn't the first time that was told to me. In high school I went to a house party and I mentioned that I had always wanted to try heroin. I mentioned this to a couple people in my life. The person I mentioned it to told me something I will never forget. He said, "the reason you haven't been around heroin is because you aren't meant to do it. Something or someone is trying to keep you away from it." Now I totally believe him and agree 100%. I wish I never touched this crap. It has destroyed and taken from me so many things so fast I am always just left speechless. It was a tornado that came in and ripped through my body, mind and soul. Of course being the stubborn, curious addict that I am, I had to try it because I was so curious. What got me curious about it in the first place? Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue. I have been a big fan of the band Motley Crue since the early 90's and Nikki, the bassist, had a bad addiction to heroin, as most musicians in that music genre do. I think the overall glamorization of it just stirred me up inside to become obsessed. Like others, people are so curious about heroin because of the unique view people have about it. It's seen as a rock star drug and cool, etc. Sounds silly, yes but people actually buy into it. Not all people, but I did. While I didn't actively go looking for it, the curiosity and obsession never actually left me and it just happened by chance to get in contact with Rob. In his dating ad he actually mentioned he was an ex heroin addict...who would do that? Well he did and I took that opportunity because I knew that if I didn't do it then I would never have that opportunity to feed into my obsession again.
So my curiosity got fed. I tried it and now I am stuck, and I feel that this stuff has taken my soul away. I may go back and forth and question if I want to quit and act like I don't care but I do. I do care and this has hurt me and I wish to God I never started it. I called Lindsay, my friend from AA, again today. I told her that I really want to quit this time. I must have told her that 100 times but she has always been so patient. I may not like AA but those people truly do understand because they have been there themselves. She only drank, but she still understands the addiction mentality and obviously my parents are the last people that understand. I'd die before they ever found out this heroin addiction. They hardly were able to handle my drinking so God knows they'd never take this properly. That's why I can't stand people that haven't been in an addiction themselves. They just simply do not get the hell. They don't get that this is a trap and I don't want this. No addict wants to abuse themselves an hurt and disrespect themselves like this but they don't understand the power and pull and obsession like other addicts do.
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