Kurt, Layne, Mike....them and why not me?

July 12, 2012

I think -well I often wonder why I'm here. For a long time I thought I was here to suffer. All that surrounded me was abandonment, let downs, people leaving, jobs ending, constant let downs and the only thing that did stick by me was alcohol in the beginning and now my heroin. Heroin is the only damn thing that won't leave...Those guys, Kurt, Layne, Mike-didn't deserve to have their lives end. They had talent, more esteem and confidence than I have....I'm a musician too. Although I'm too negative to actually get anywhere with it. I sold my bass guitars for you know what-H. I've been singing since 1993. I'd like to get back in a band and make it work this time. I'd love to sing for a band, a metal/rock band. Something like Crue, AIC,etc....I love a 80s glam and 90s grunge, so something in between those two things.

I really do have an awfully negative mentality, don't I? Thinking my life isn't as important as those guys-wondering why their lives ended to the same problem I have, addiction, and I'd gladly take their place...what a sad thing. But shit look---the SAME SHIT is happening...nothing is changing, nothing is getting better-and it has NOTHING to do with the drugs....yes I use my learning disability as a big excuse as to why I can't do better in life. And I know my work ethic totally sucks-so there you go, I do know what my problem is, and this is when the addiction gets psychological and hard to get out of.....because my mind set is so dark and deep and negative and self loathing that it's a total trap. I hurt, I use heroin, and the cycle repeats..........but how long can I go on??Do I really want to die??? No. Actually, it wouldn't be a good time because I know I'd be judged by the bad things I've been doing due to my desperation to get money for my addiction. Heroin has brought me down so fast. 

Music has been such a big part of my life. It's like my soundtrack. I can tell you where I was, whom I was with when a certain song was playing. The only thing I allow my mind to actually memorize are lyrics. I paint and write too. I'm a creative person, yes! That's what I absolutely love and where my heart belongs, but my low self confidence-it took me a long time to admit that-is making it hard for me to be successful at it.
School feels so foreign to me. My mom said that school is the most important and that I don't even need to work and they'll pay for school-great except little do they know I DO need a job to pay for heroin. This is another reason why drug addiction is so damn difficult to maintain and gets in the way. That's why I stole money from them. That's why I sold my jewelry and instruments and ultimately sold myself......