I haven't used heroin in about 4 or 5 days. That is HUGE for me. I have never gone more than 2 days without anything. Surprisingly, I never got sick, withdrawal. That surprised me a lot. I think that is because early last week and up to today I have been doing small amouts of suboxone. I bet that helped. I thought I was starting to get sick this morning but thankfully I didn't.
The one thing I like is being able to relate to other addicts. Respectfully, the following is a quote from a fellow h blogger. [Not going to include her name.] I enjoy reading her blog about her addiction journey and she enjoys reading mine. I am very glad I have someone reading my blog. I relate to SO MUCH and is one of the MAIN reasons I want to stay out-she types in one of her past blogs entries-> "It is so aggravating. The whole
game. Making money, hopefully enough to get what I need...buying it,
shooting it...then running out. I hate the whole running out part!
Obviously. It is just a continuous cycle that will never end if I dont
just QUIT using."
No one else other than other addicts understand that hassle and hell of addiction, the quote above. I cannot tell you how FRUSTRATING and AGGRAVATING, addiction, especially heroin addiction, can be. I wish I never started this shit. Honestly. It is AMAZING when you start but HELL when it starts to crumble. In my 14 years of addiction, alcohol/pills, I have mixed stuff and overdosed a couple of times. Even now that is one thing that never scares me. I didn't overdose but I did mix a scary mix of drugs last week-suboxone, heroin, xanax-and...I'd do it again. Not for suicidal reasons but just I guess that is a part of an addict's life...fearless actions.
Honestly, if I had the money, and didn't have to steal and just had the money in my account right now, I would buy more H easily. Easily. Sad huh. I am not going to kid myself...I will use again. Shit, come next month when I get this bill paid off, I am slightly thinking I will go back. Honestly, I don't think I do that much....It's 15 a pill and they come in see through capsules other than raw which is what I was starting to get. Raw comes in small zip lock bags-and so 15$ each....on average, weekly or 2x a week, I spend between $60.00-$80.00 recently but once I spent $200.00 and finished it in a day in a half. I could get xanax from my other friend for only $5.00 but seriously I haven't been working so I don't have any money. The money I put in my account today was from when I did my friend's hair cut and color this past Saturday and she paid me $70.00. Thank God for that. I could go to work with my dad. I have school though. I seriously try to find a job. I apply for every single Craigslist job that I am skilled in-office work mainly-but I can't get one interview. It's tough! So really just...I don't want to quit-I am forced to due to situations and money. The only reason I went to that strip club was to get money. The sad ass thing is I only was given $4.00 lousy bucks at this one club that wasn't busy at all and yet I made 70 bucks doing something RESPECTFUL-haircuts. Seriously.......why lower myself? I NEED MONEY for this fucking heroin! That is what heroin lead me to do-sell myself for money for this drug. That's why I want to get out....to stop being a slave to heroin and doing stupid and dangerous things all just so I can get money for it. That is why I posted the above quote from the other blogger-she understands my struggle and the frustration hell cycle inevitably involved with drug addiction.
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