Dre suggests AA

july 10/12

I just called Dre to see how he was doing. I stupidly-a better word would be guiltily told him that I mixed a couple xanaxs with heroin with a suboxone strip at once last night....I didn't wake up til noon today. He told me that was a really stupid thing to do and I know that-that's how Mike Starr died-by mixing xanax and methadone.....I tell myself I'm not suicidal but bored....I really don't know..but Dre wasn't too happy with me. He truly does care. Trust me, I do care about myself-but all I can think about is how shitty I feel in my life and how much I absolutely hate my life so much and my current situation so much that death is looking good. I miss heroin so much. But I have to understand where that took me. I don't even get the euphoria anymore-I do it to get well. I hated all the things that heroin took away from me so why would I miss it?Oh God........all my life I was able to recognize those that cared about me. Trust me, I know I have angels saving my life from every dangerous thing I do-and I have done a lot. The last time I took too many pills was when I drank a bunch of Jagermeister and mixed it with some kind of anxiety medicine. There were about 30 in the pack and practically overnight there was only 4. I was at home alone with a guy I had invited over-he brought the Jager- my parents were on vacation. I blacked out, hit my head really hard on the corner of a table and then on a wall, blood was everywhere......and the guy left me there at home like that when he went out to work. Asshole. The next day or I think 2 days later, I finally called for help. I called my therapist and sent her a text saying "I think I need help" and then I called my cousin on my mom's side who came to get me and take me to the hospital. This is what happens every single time I take pills-exactly what happened then and what happened last night-I OD. 

Dre wants to take me to a meeting in his area. I'd go even thought I don't follow AA or NA and their whole rules and BS. I know I need help but I know I'm too damn stubborn. Read all the other posts on here- I KNOW I AM HURTING MYSELF but if I don't have any drug in me I HURT MORE.