I glamorized heroin starting at age 13. I liked bands like Motley Crue and I saw how they glamorized and made heroin look like a cool party. I HAD to know what it was like. Was it really that great? My obsession for heroin never ended until I found it on my own, and I wouldn't quit until I found it-and lost myself in the process....
I found alcohol on my own. I guess since 8th grade I started feeling weird, odd, lonely, loner, etc. I didn't get along with my dad at all. Still don't really. His mom died from an overdose of alcohol and barbiturates when my dad was around 8. I felt alone and insecure since 3rd grade. Third grade was when my feelings of abandonment started. I failed that grade because I wasn't doing very well. It wasn't that I was slacking off or didn't care. I have a learning disability due to brain damage at birth-loss of oxygen at birth-so forever I will have difficulty remembering things and learn a little slower-makes you wonder why I am hurting my brain more by doing drugs huh. 8th grade-I started drinking. I distinctly remember opening my parent's kitchen cabinets and the first thing I began drinking was Kahlua. I remember perfectly. So at the same time, 8th grade I was given anxiety pills and I remember that made me really drowsy. So 9th grade was when I had big issues with social anxiety. I skipped school practically everyday for a month and went to some person's house. That was when I first tried marijuana. I didn't entirely like it but I did it anyway. I was actually taken out of regular high school and put into some kind of a day program for those with anxiety, depression, etc. I always blamed my anxiety, depression, learning disability as to why I didn't care to quit drinking. In 9th grade and on I began abusing the anxiety pills I was given. I remember in 9th grade I met this guy who was surprisingly, a heroin addict, but I never touched it and he never gave it to me or even offered it. Actually my obsession and curiosity with heroin started around age 13. I became curious and glamorized it because the bands I liked-Motley Crue- glamorized it. I will never forget in 11th or 12th grade, I went to a house party and I remember always telling some people how obsessed with heroin I was. This one guy told me that I never came in contact with it because I was not supposed to get into that world. Boy was he right! Only I never found that out on my own of course until 10 years later.......My drinking and pill addiction never ended because I never stopped feeling like a victim, hating my disability, losing jobs, not doing well in school, etc. All I could think was, why me?
So, in December of 2010 I entered rehab. My parents put me there because I overdosed and ended up in the hospital. I mixed Jagermeister with klonopin-anxiety pills. I was in and out of consciousness in my home, alone. I had to call my aunt and she took me to the hospital-1 and a half days later! I didn't even realize that I was at home for that long injured-I almost lost my eye because during the overdose, I remember walking around and smacked my head on the door corner. The overdose wasn't why I went to rehab. I went to rehab because my parents found out that even after the overdose, I still continued to drink heavily. I'd say from 2001, until about 2010, I drank every day. Around 2008-2010, I would go to work drunk, call out "sick" to work and end up staying home knocking myself out on sleeping pills and alcohol, etc.
While in rehab, I met a guy. He was a few years older than me and, like most of the other people in the rehab, had more experience with harder drugs than I did. The other patients wondered why I was even in rehab because I never had that street smart look. I just did never ever look like I would do any drug or drink! I still don't. After rehab I went to a half way house/sober house. I ended up getting kicked out a month later when I tested positive for Xanax-what my bf at the time gave me. I went back home and quickly fell back into drinking and ended he up introducing me to coke and percocet. I never got addicted to coke. I only did about 5 lines one night. I didn't like how nutty and hyper it made me. It just increased my already bad anxiety. We stayed together for almost a year. It officially ended last June/August to be exact! Yes, exactly a year ago next month will be my 1 year anniversary with heroin!
So, I finally left him, a year ago this month. I didn't trust him, he truly did not act like a respectful boyfriend and I saw so many red flags. I am glad I went through that relationship because it taught me to never rush into anything again. I haven't since. Shortly after leaving him, I went on the Craigslist dating ad and met Rob. Rob,then 43, posted an ad about wanting to find a serious girlfriend, quitting heroin, etc. Bingo-there was my chance-heroin! I knew that if I didn't take advantage of the situation, I would probably never have an opportunity to try heroin again. The only thing I felt guilty for was that I used Rob to get access to heroin. I pretended to like him/be his gf, just so I could continue to get it. I think I do/did like him and I don't want to admit it. After all, this wasn't my first time being around a much older man. My obsession to try heroin never left me since I first started getting obsessed with it back in 1999. So I replied to his ad and it went from there. Actually, the first time we met was to score some H from him. I talked/begged him for about 3 weeks into letting me try heroin. He didn't want me getting started but he did anyway. I miss the way it used to be. I miss the initial rush, not having any problems, not caring if I lie, etc. I'd give ANYTHING to go back to the beginning of my heroin journey, mainly so I can get the euphoria again. But I can get that again now. I just need to quit for a certain amount of time and then try it again. Since I started heroin and since I met Rob, so many things have happened. Rob had a gun to his face and had our money taken, I stole money to fund my habit, I lied every time about where I was really going, I ended up getting withdrawals, I needed more and more heroin to get a high, I needed more and more money, etc..I remember a month after I started heroin, I noticed things quickly starting to go downhill. It was like I was looking from the outside in. I saw myself running into the brick wall and not even trying to slow down.
I entered cosmetology school in March of this year and I am not having any learning problems whatsoever. I realized that all my reasons for using are no longer my reasons! Well, yes I still feel lonely, alone, insecure, depressed-heroin got me into such a mess that I didn't know what addiction truly meant and I didn't know what it really felt like to be in hell/serious real addiction, until I started heroin. Heroin is one of the worst things you can get into. So fast I lost my money, friends, pride, respect, etc. Sure bad things happened while drinking but I never felt guilty about them. I actually started to open up eyes and realize why I was in the addiction when I entered rehab. I realized I'll never be able to quit if I don't fix my emotional and self image issues, it won't end until I learn how to let go of the past! It is so hard for me to let go. I am so sensitive-but I am glad I am. I'm sensitive, intuitive, etc. That's why it's hard for me to quit. I allow others to hurt me and it's hard for me to forget what someone said or did and my way to cope is with a drink or pill or, now, heroin. So, I don't know how much longer this can go on. Sometimes I'm surprised I'm still alive. I don't fear death. But for the first time in my addiction, since I started using heroin, I began to fear my fate and fear how I would be judged when I die; for once I felt and still feel guilty about lying, stealing, etc. That's why I want to quit. The only road this brings you down is to die or hurt others or do bad things. Heroin enslaves you. Traps you in a vicious cycle. Before you know it, you are in it.
No comments:
Post a Comment