July 17, 2012
This is part of the reason I forced myself to quit heroin; I cannot find a job! I refuse to go bankrupt for this drug and I have already sold my jewelry and instruments so ......but shit, I quit-for now at least-so wanting a job has nothing to do with being able to afford heroin. I partially accepted that the game is over. I wanted to get out of the addiction, the slavery, etc SO BADLY-so ok I'm out and...honestly, I still don't care to go back. Why bother?
I need/ want a job so I can pay my damn bills. I have applied to every single job online and in person that fits my skills and still, nothing! Sick........
Ok......I know myself better than this......the second my bill gets paid next month, any money I have left over I will go back and buy H. I know it. But it's already out of my system, and God knows I do not want to go through the withdrawals and all of that again, so why bother going back? I got high with half a suboxone today. My last one. My tolerance must be going down. I guess it would by now. I can still get suboxones or even Xanax if I want. Shit, heroin is too expense. For now, I'm fine still. I was getting anxiety and slight cravings earlier today but it really goes away once I think about something else. I haven't talked to Rob in a couple of days. I'm somewhat fine with that too. I just really wish Dre would call me. I'm somewhat tempted to go to his house one of these mornings but even that I don't care to do. Why? Just to waste gas and end up buying H....nah. It's so weird, I struggled wanting to get out of H for months and yet all of the sudden I'm out, that's it, so easy? It's not easy but honestly you know what is keeping me from using again? As soon as I start thinking about the aggravation, stress, withdrawals, money spent, lies, selling things, etc-I don't' care to go back. And that is all H has to offer. The desire to quit is physical, but it's mental too.
Hi Andrea
ReplyDeleteVery well done for quitting & getting clean! Now comes the hard part, staying clean. It does get easier with time but your mind & body will play all sorts of tricks in an effort to get you to pick up again. Stay strong & keep focused.
A lot of people are unemployed at the moment,myself included, I had to end my business which has only been going for 3yrs but in some ways it was a good thing, no more stress & time to concentrate on myself. I was getting bored of painting & decorating anyway.
Most people get waves of depresion once the initial feel-good from giving up wares off which is why so many people fuck up after doing so well for a few weeks thinking one bag wont do any harm.
I gave up a year into my habit, it lasted nearly 2 weeks, that was 17yrs ago, I really hope you have the strength I didn't back then.
Wishing you all the best
& take care. Karl x