November 27, 2011

November 27, 2011

The last few days have been pretty bad. For the first time in my years of my problem, I've admitted that the life of an addiction brings nothing good. I know I've finally hit bottom-an emotional bottom, that I've found is 10x worse than my past situations and injuries have ever been. I called Lindsay, the girl I met at my very first AA meeting while I was in the halfway house. For months I've lied and told my mom I was seeing Lindsay when I was really with Rob buying H.

I realized that I have to let go of wrong people if I want to quit this. Do I want to quit? Well, I have to stop going back and forth. My though process is- I enjoy the drug/love how it makes me feel, but I hate the lying, money wasted, gas wasted, harm I put myself in...there's a reason I want to finally stop. I have to constantly be reminded of what has gone wrong. I guess it is denial. I've admitted the issue, yet I so easily fall back into the addict mentality. I have to keep making the connections. If I stay in this I'll only keep choosing crappy guys. It all connects. I really just need that constant affirmation. I said this earlier, when I used to go to the meetings, I loved how I was always able to relate. That was huge for me. It helps me to realize that I'm not alone in my thinking, in my issue and I can't keep staying in this and creating a bigger issue for myself. It's gotten worse than drinking; my heroin use. Now, I actually care and feel guilty. When I was drinking and using pills, caring never crossed my mind. It's also about finally picking quality friends and guys. If I stay in this, I'll always feel used. I have to stop thinking with my heart and giving someone 20 chances. I have to get serious and I can't follow Mike Starr, I can't follow Layne [Staley]. It's not about them as people, but it's about learning from their fates.If I stay in this, I'm accepting self sabotage.