"Chasing The Dragon"

I felt really sick and shitty last night through this morning so I broke down and went to see Dre. I honestly wanted to buy suboxones only but all he had was H so.....ugh I ended up getting 1 even though I didn't want do. So I'm still stuck in this shit. I truly want to stay the hell out of this-but I don't......why? Well, I remember learning something about Chasing the Dragon or Chasing the high you had when you first started this drug that you will never again get...for some reason, that's hard for me to understand-not the thing or idea itself-but I know I have so much denial in this particular addiction that I didn't have in drinking. Bottom line-the only reason I'm stuck doing heroin is to keep from getting sick. That's it. I don't want people to think I"m doing this because I want to get high- I do, but that's not what happens. I do it simply to get well. How sad is that? In this past year of doing this stuff, this is where it landed me. I haven't had fun in this for months now and I've been complaining-but the other reason why I stay is the obsession-not as bad as it was, but it truly is like I need to rewire my brain-to try and totally erase the memory of the initial H high and to totally forget every single bad thing that happened from this. There is not ONE SINGLE thing left in this at this point for me. I watched myself from the outside from the beginning. I heard myself first say "the only reason I'm doing this is for the high feeling, even though negative things are starting to happen." Then it went to, and is at now- "the only thing I"m doing this is to keep from withdrawing". I put myself through all this just so I don't get sick over and over-trust me, if Dre had a suboxone today, I would have gotten that instead. So, in a couple more days, when this 1 pill is gone-ok let's face it, tomorrow evening-when this shit is done with, I'll go back to being sick again. I'm sorry but I simply cannot just let it run its course. Especially when I have to go to work-do you think I feel like going in there feeling like shit? No. So I take out more money, and tell more lies, etc-just to get well. That is it. Simple as that and complicated as that. That's all this shit has left for me. But what I also have trouble understanding is-why did this take me down so fast? It's only been 1 year-and I know not everyone in this stays several years- some get into H only for a few months, then they end up addicted longer to the suboxone or methadone-and I have to say that the last time I got suboxones, I ended up getting into the high-but it just seems to me like H ripped me apart and knocked me down faster than it would others. I don't think that's true-but then again other than my denial, what keeps me in this also is how I compare out. I compare my issue to those that are much worse-Worse? How could anyone define that? I am the same as someone that has been doing this for several years. All addicts have the same mindset, similar reasons for numbing ourselves in the first place, right? Honestly, we aren't any different-that's why when I used to go to AA, I used to like how I always was able to relate to someone else's story-of course you can!
Anyway, so as of now I am beyond annoyed with this situation-I don't get any kind of a high-and I mainly do it by snorting it-so I'm thinking the next level would be to use the needle, so I can put more of it in me-but.....you know, I just find it ridiculous;if I can barely afford my current addiction problem, what makes me think I can afford more? That's just it-I cannot afford my addiction tolerance level, literally. That's it. So why can't I just grasp all of this, drop the denial, and quit?