I'll Never Forget the both of you. You know, how many times do I think it's you, Layne, God, or some angels that save me, get me out of bad situations, trying to get me out of this addiction path-trust me, I see the signs, I hear the warnings.
You made admitted you made a mistake. I can easily still make your same mistake but I don't want it to end that way. Do I truly think my fate will turn that way? Do I think I can do this forever and not die from it? I've been drinking for 14 years, sleeping and other pills from 10 or so years, heroin for almost a year......what now? I always felt I was in a crossroads and I could end up going either way. I still know that I have more than enough opportunity to get out. I'm not even 30 yet. I don't mix things because I want to die. It's not intention, it's on impulse. It's from frustration. A constant frustration and anger about my current life situation. A situation I have been in since 1993-even though of course I never touched a drink until I was about 13. I was born this way but it's in my hands now. Instead of self loathing and wallowing I can build my strengths, acknowledge what I need to do to get in a better frame of mind. I blame my learning disability. That's stupid and a pointless excuse. That's the number 1 excuse I have made since day 1; my learning disability. I still cannot keep a job because of it.I'm still going nowhere. You know, it's not just boredom or sadness-I think it's beyond depression. I simply cannot let go of the past. I complain about my existence, I complain that I keep getting into shit relationships, boredom. I have shit so buried inside that I don't even fully know why I stay in this. What do I mean by boredom? Hey, let's face it-my parents are blind. Sure they see I've changed in the last year-but they don't see it as anything terribly different. I've always had these issues.It's as easy as saying I'm going to so and so's house or doing whatever or even going to school and where am I really? At Dre's or doing something other than where I said I was. That's a part of the guilt; when I was in my heavy drinking and pill years, I never felt any guilt for lying to my parents or how I was acting but when I stared heroin was when I started feeling guilty-so much so that I began fearing my fate-actually began fearing God. I was reading The Purpose Drive Life by Rick Warren today and a lot of what's in that book is true. I actually starting thinking about that stuff recently; you better act true and right and moral in this life because you are judged at the end. You know you entered a world of mess with drugs when you seriously start questioning your future.That's why I said what I said earlier; I know I have archangels, God, sometimes I even think it's my grandmother, my mom's mother, or even my dad's birth mom, who looks over me. My dad's birth mom actually died in her sleep from mixing alcohol and barbiturates. She had a drinking problem and so does my aunt, my dad's sister. So, it's heretic, situational, etc as to why I do this. I know it's still a choice. I'm not trying to make any more excuses-I know I have to quit. I know my ride in heroin usage is done. I don't even get the euphoria feeling so what's the point? That's when you know you hit bottom. There's a story in the AA book about some alcoholic finding her bottom, an emotional bottom-the beer or anything wasn't working for her the same way anymore so one day she said "what's the point? why keep going if I need increasing amounts due to my high tolerance level, why bother continuing?" that's dead on exactly how I feel. so, ok, fine-I'm fine-hey, I have xanax. I know that's not the answer, sorry, but trust me, I just want this monkey off my damn back-I have to quit heroin because truly nothing is as strong or destructive as that.
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