February 2, 2012

February 2, 2012

I'm at the brink in the middle of this heroin hell. It's beyond wanting to get out, but I still act confused. Lord, it's so frustrating and angering. It's awful. I met some people from facebook that tried to help Mike Starr get out of his own addiction.  I actually also added Sean Kinney's sister. Sean is the drummer of Alice in Chains. His sister went through alcoholism but she quit. of the people he knew was a pastor. I even got him on the phone, the pastor, and prayed with him the other night. I think I can totally relate to Mike. He felt the same pull of the addiction-he is addicted to heroin, alcohol, coke. He has the same back and forth mentality-but then again I guess everyone in this does. I don't know how crazier I can get. At this point, I still feel the anger and guilt even when I'm high. Nothing is taking that away anymore. I bought three pills today. How do I quit?? I had to buy them because I was going through my second day of withdrawal and I couldn't handle it anymore. This is a really shitty trap. On the other hand, maybe not surprisingly, I'm doing very well at my salon job. All the stylists are being so nice and teaching me how to blow dry and helping me succeed. I am doing very good at shampooing and assisting the customer's so I don't have to concentrate as much on that.

The worst, well one of the worst, things about this is that I have to keep lying to Rob and pretending to like him just so I can keep getting access to heroin even though I know I loathe him and think he is so disgusting old pig loser. He's in his mid 40's and lives with his mother and because of his criminal record he can't get a regular job. 

I tried to kill myself a week or so ago. That is how bad it is. I have never had it this bad during my heavy drinking. I have been drinking for 13 years and it only started going down hill a month or so before I entered rehab. In this heroin addiction, it has only been 8 months and it already is totally unmanageable. That's a light word. A better word would be hell and disgust. There is not one single thing that is positive about this-except the high that I get, but that is quickly fading. At this point, I need to have more in my system to get the same feeling because my level of tolerance is starting to go up.

2 Mormon young guys came to my door the other day and invited me to a young people's group. I was  glad. I saw it as God knocking on my door and helping me. Our neighbors are Mormon's and they connected me to some young people my age so I accepted their invitation and am going next Monday night. It'll be a good distraction for me to go and be around "normal" people. I feel stuck, anger, pain, guilt, shame. To stay in it, I keep making excuses like "I already gave Rob money for the next time he goes and buys some so I can't quit and don't want to ask for the money back, so I'll stay. The one thing I hold so closely, this addiction, is the one thing tearing me up.