July 10, 2012
The other day I thought about how many friends I had that stopped talking to me or wanting anything to do with me once they found out about my heroin use. I told them and honestly I feel they are being judgmental. Why did you stop talking to me? I don't even look like I do anything! Everyone says they are surprised that I do it because I don't have that look. What look? Well, maybe I have it more than I think. I lost over 20 lbs in only 2 or 3 months, and the other day my sister said I looked so thin even in my face. I don't think she suspects I'm using drugs but she constantly questions how I lost such a big amount of weight so fast. I tell her I just don't eat a lot and hell what am I supposed to say? How the hell do you lose this much weight in such a small amount of time and aren't even able to give a proper answer? I remember when I went to her house a few weeks ago and had done a large amount of heroin before I left home and I was nodding so hard in front of her and my mom. My sister was like, "wow, you must be tired!" I guess she does suspect something. I do want to tell them. I wish I could tell someone everything. All I have to tell all my secrets to is this blog and those reading it. The readers, some addicts themselves, truly understand. That's the only reason I liked AA-I was surrounded by those who understood the struggle. But I don't agree with the 12 steps or having a sponsor to answer. I don't need to answer to you. Well, honestly, I don't like the 12 steps because those are about fixing your issues and facing things and clearly I have denial issues and don't want to face anything. Obviously that's why I'm in this- not dealing with my issues and not wanting to go into withdrawal. I don't even do this for the euphoria. I do it to stay from getting dope sick. Isn't that sad? That's when you know it's the end, you do it to stay well.
How bad is this really? I mean, I wasn't even scared to stick that needle in my arm. I just do it. How bad is heroin that people really need to stop talking to me? How bad? Am I really asking that asinine question? Well let's see shall we-let's point out all the things this shit has left me with-friendless, health issues, money issues, deeper depression, guilt, etc.......It's denial-strong denial as to why I stay. The only thing I go back to thinking about is money-spending the amount of money on this that I do-between $40.00 and $200.00 a week[!] Yes I know that's bad but it's certainly not the only problem. The mental aspect, the obsession of this drug is the number one reason as to why it's hard for people to quit. I get confused, my mind goes back and forth. It's like I need a constant reminder as to what my reasons are for quitting. No wonder I hate those 12 Steps, I can't even stay on Step 1-"Stop denying and admit you have an issue". I acknowledge and admit it and then I fall right back and all those excuses and problems that this has caused just go right out the window when I'm craving. That's all I can think about. I don't care if I'm hurting or lying to anyone or inconveniencing anyone-when it's in my mind, my obsession, I'll do anything and push anything out of the way to get it-That's the definition of an out of control addiction.
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