Same addiction, different drug

July 10, 2010

Turn the page, game over. I went to Dre's to get a few suboxones to help me through the upcoming withdrawals. I was serious about wanting to quit heroin. He only made me pay for one but gave me 3 extra. Then I went to a friend I knew from high school and got a few xanaxs. She gave me a couple extras of those too. So I mixed some heroin with a half a strip of suboxne with a couple xanax pills and I slept from 3pm to almost midnight! She also sells adderall so maybe I'll get those to wake up and take the xanaxs to help me sleep. I think that I'll miss the most about quitting heroin is that I'll finally get to sleep at a normal time;heroin took away my sleep. It's also give me back my orgasms-oh how badly do I miss those. :) I don't like the fact that I'll start to gain that weight back that I lost because of the heroin. I'm not looking forward to that. Well supposedly Adderal helps with weight loss too.

Anyway, I really can't say I'll quit heroin for good, but I know the hellish road it put me on so fast and I don't want to continue that. I need a constant reminder and reassurance. It's more than just writing it down. I need to constantly play the negative reasons of what heroin did to me in my mind over and over. You know how in AA they say play the tape over and over? Don't just think about the good, fun times you had but also think of all the problems and negatives that happened because of your addiction........that's what I need to do now. So maybe some of that AA talk with help now. I'm not against it, I just know it's not for me because there are a lot of things about the program that I don't agree with.

 Well so there you go. It's my anniversary too. A year ago in late August I started heroin. Interesting, huh? Late August I started heroin and here we are in mid July and I'm quitting. I couldn't even make it a year. Was heroin worth it? In the end, no. Would I do it over again knowing what I know now? I don't know...I just wish so badly I could go back to the beginning when I used to get that great eurphoria feeling. I don't get that anymore. There really isn't any reason to stay in this because the only reason I'm doing it for is not to get sick. I'm not even doing it to get high anymore. That's the same thing Layne Staley said about his addiction,

" I'm not doing this to get high like people think. I'm doing it because I need it like a diabetic needs insulin. That's basically where I'm at and that's not a good place to be and if I can quit before it gets worse, and it will whether I want to believe it or not, it will.

I think if I quit heroin for a good while and go back, I could. But even with the Xanax it's the same story. I'm still losing money, I'll eventually end up stealing money or selling my belongings. Sure it's only 5$ a pill but you know I always end up getting several of them so that adds up. You know, I didn't quit anything really. I just changed my DOC-drug of choice. I went from alcohol to whatever pills I used to do-sleeping pills mainly, to valium, to vicodin, to coke-only did that a few times, to one night of xanax, to percocet, to heroin, back to xanax.....that's my story. Those are the things I've done. That was the progression of the devil, the addiction. All I know and all I remind myself and fell grateful for is that I know I'm lucky and in God's hands. They say that every time you do one of these things you are risking your life but I never though of it like that. Sure I have OD'd, went to the hospital, went to rehab, got really injured-but none of those things stopped me. Do I have a bottom? The that bottom death?

I publicly said to people such as my therapist that no, I don't have a bottom and I don't see myself ever quitting anything.  I've always been risky. Even when I was younger I would do dangerous things and think nothing of it. I would ride my bike all over town, on  busy roads or I'd hang around people I hardly knew, skip school. My mom knows how I am. She knows I was enjoyed doing dangerous things and I guess I think nothing will happen to me, even though things have happened. I remember the first time I used a needle for heroin and even that didn't scare or bother me. I have to have something in my system everyday to feel comfortable. There are way too many things going on in my life and my family to that stress me out or anger me that I don't think I could ever quit and be stone sober. No way.  God only knows what happened. but I He is exactly whom I started thinking about. You know you must feel guilty about your lifestyle when you star thinking more about God and your fate and your ending when you are doing these behaviors. Well, heroin was the only drug that dragged me down so fast that I had to start fearing my fate and feeling guilty. No other drug resorted me to stealing, lying, and doing all the things that go hand and hand with this way of life.The songs below, Alice in Chain's JUNKHEAD and Martika's TOY SOLDIERS. They sum up how I fell and basically an addict's life pretty damn well. I can relate to a lot of what Layne wrote in this song.  

  Junkhead-AIC

A good night, the best in a long time
A new friend turned me on to an old favorite
Nothing better than a dealer who's high
Be high, convince them to buy

What's my drug of choice?
Well, what have you got?
I don't go broke
And I do it a lot

Seems so sick to the hypocrite norm
Running their boring drills
But we are an elite race of our own
The stoners, junkies, and freaks

Are you happy? I am, man
Content and fully aware
Money, status, nothing to me
'Cause your life is empty and bare

What's my drug of choice?
Well, what have you got?
I don't go broke
And I do it a lot

You can't understand a user's mind
But try, with your books and degrees
If you let yourself go and opened your mind
I'll bet you'd be doing like me
And it ain't so bad

What's my drug of choice?
Well, what have you got?
I don't go broke
And I do it a lot
Say, I do it a lot!
Say, I do it a lot!
Say, I do it a lot!
Say, I do it a lot! 

 ~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~

Toy Soldiers-Martika 

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers

It wasn't my intention to mislead you
It never should have been this way
What can I say
It's true, I did extend the invitation
I never knew how long you'd stay

When you hear temptation call
It's your heart that takes, takes the fall
Won't you come out and play with me

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers

Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers

It's getting hard to wake up in the morning
My head is spinning constantly
How can it be?
How could I be so blind to this addiction?
If I don't stop, the next one's gonna be me

Only emptiness remains
It replaces all, all the pain
Won't you come out and play with me

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers

Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers

We never win

Only emptiness remains
It replaces all, all the pain
Won't you come out and play with me

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers

Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers

Step by step
Heart to heart
Left, right, left
We all fall down
Like toy soldiers

Bit by bit
Torn apart
We never win
But the battle wages on
For toy soldiers